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My ex left a few weeks ago after a very long relationship which in hindsight was always extremely controlling. Even after he left he admitted it was for effect. He was clearly shocked that i had let him go but i had been so miserable for so long but knew if i left he’d fight for the kids and i believed he’d fool everyone and i wouldn’t be there to protect them from him. After he left my eldest son refused to see him and was threatening to hurt himself if forced to but he was still seeing my youngest despite the fact that everyone was telling me i shouldnt let him because he’d been violent toward my first. I decided to report him to the police as i felt he might turn up at the house when i stopped access and responding to his every command.I was due to make a formal statement (detail removed by moderator) but the PO cancelled at the last minute due to being ill. Im lost today. Im losing confidence that im doing the right thing. I know hes going to fight for access and im so broken by the realisation that ive been a victim of sustained mental abuse and frankly brainwashed! Are there any success stories of women getting justice for coercive control? It wasnt extreme but it was relentless and ive lost myself. Im in horrible debt from him demanding the best of everything and sulking when he didn’t get it. My kids have been damaged in ways I’m only starting to understand and feel able to correct and heal. Im so humiliated that my work colleagues now know and will undoubtedly think im an idiot! I know i will get through it but that ive got to be so strong to stand up to him when he takes me (detail removed by moderator) and there is so little support available in my particular circumstances. I will have to represent myself and know he can beat me down. My eldest has chronic (detail removed by moderator) so im also so knackered! What a mess but i have to.keep reminding myself that at least hes gone now!
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Hi there,
It’s horrible when they cancel. It takes so much to build yourself up and take that step and tell the police what has been going on. And yes, then you fall right back down and start losing the confidence to report it. It happened to me. What I did was write it down. I wrote it down what I could remember, dates and notes I had made and kept hidden from my ex, and I handed it over to the police when they came a week later. I had lost confidence, but I had the notes. When they came to see me, we talked about the abuse in general rather than typing out a long statement. They know what this abuse is, even if it doesn’t result in injuries, the one who came to see me asked questions that resonated with me and made it clear to me that the police would know exactly what was going on, even if I myself couldn’t find the right words to describe it.
I can’t say yet it my story was one of success. What I can say is that I told my story by making notes about it. It was a very draining experience writing down incident after incident after incident, but if you can, write it down. Then you have it for when they can rescedule to come see you.I’m sorry if my advice is not the greatest comfort to you. I’m very new to this admitting to myself I was a victim, so I don’t want to give bad advice, but I wanted to tell you that you can ask to talk to someone who works with domestic abuse. They will know it’s abuse you’ve been subjected to and can help you tell your story.
Hang in there.
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These men never really ‘go’. Ring your local women’s aid and get their fabulous support. Speak to a solicitor, most offer free initial consultation, or ring Rights of Women for free advice (website too). I think he will come back, without a doubt he’s doing this to see how far he can go. Always knowing that he has a way back in when his plan to destroy you fails. Get to you GP and explain what’s going on and how it’s making you all feel (great evidence). Get an exclusion order in place asap and change then change the locks. Don’t let him know what you’re doing. You’re absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children. He is not your responsibility. Making this statement will absolutely help your case when and if it comes to him accessing the children. Sounds like you have some good outside support. When we have been abused we often can’t think straight, we minimise their behaviour but you must be seen to be protecting your children and that includes stopping contact with a violent person, and staying consistent all the way. Zero access until the court allows and even then only supervised. Keep going x
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Hello my lovely,
I am in a very similar situation to you so big hugs to you. I am very recently free after a incident which invoked him attacking me and smashing up our home. My eldest too hates him and has refused to every see or speak to him again, which he seems to be accepting but is pushing me hard for access to the younger three. To the point where he’s even offered for me to pay him for each child to leave us alone! It is most certainly the right decision my lovely, I too have felt how you’re feeling and probably do to some extent for a short while every day but stay strong hun. I am really trying to stay strong, this really is the best thing for the children. My husband also told me he would report me to social services for fabricated things and my children would be taken away from me and he would get 50/50 custody, he still says these things. They use it to control us for so long, he knew my biggest fear was losing them. So much of your story resonates with me: the debt from buying the best of everything for him and being berated/hit if I didn’t. Feeling terrible that my job now know because I work in a field where we deal with domestic abuse in families, I feel like a fraud to have hidden it for so long. I also feel like I’ve betrayed my lovely, supportive colleagues by not telling them sooner but I just couldn’t. You are absolutely doing the right thing my lovely, I am so sorry the police were unable to come as planned but I really hope they can get to you soon. Enjoy the peace, the freedom and getting stronger each day. You can do this xxxx -
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Who’sthatgirl, my oh has serious hit me twice, over a few decades, he no longer needs to as he just has to say things like you don’t know what I’m capable of, to which I’m like yes I do, I’ve had first hand experience remember, words to that effect. Threats of violence, of how they’re going to ‘have’ someone,or they’ll come in and say I ended up battering this guy because he was in my face and wouldn’t go when I asked him to, it’s all designed to control us. Typical bully methods. And we know we have to stand up to bullies, standing up isn’t always about going toe to toe, it’s also about walking away, depriving them of their ‘victim’ so to speak.
Keep posting, knowledge is power.
IWMB 💕🍀 -
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Thank you all so.much. no news really except (detail removed by moderator) turned up with eggs for the kids and saying that she wants to take them out. Shes never taken them out before but expects me to let her now! I suspect she might take them to him so theres no way! Still nothing from the police about rescheduling. Feeling very fragile tbh.
Cant get the online chat research pop up off the screen. Very annoying!
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