Lost

[ImFeelinglost]

Hi everyone I’m new and a but nervous, I have been with my now ex on and off for last (detail removed by moderator) years 3 kids together it’s never been a normal relationship he cheated before we had kids, I use to go out all the time had lots of friends had a social life but slowly he would make comments about friends make out they were using me and he was all I needed to the point I had one left he would disappear for weeks not contact me ignore me, tell girls we weren’t together and the kids weren’t his that I was a s**g pretty much anything bad I was. It got to the point I became house bound because I panicked constantly in crowds he would always message women get pictures but tell me it wasnt cheating it was just fun. But if I spoke to a man it was different and I was a s**g he couldn’t trust he didn’t like me going out so made it awkward instead of saying I couldn’t go. I literally had one friend left and told him to leave for good this was (detail removed by moderator) years ago he said he never cared about me for the first (detail removed by moderator) years but had made mistakes and was going to stop going out every weekend start paying money to the house and let me have a night a week I could see my friend and that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me so I took him back and we moved forward then I found him cheating again l(detail removed by moderator) getting photos receiving them with more then one women said it wasnt cheating as it wasnt physical he went to there houses but nothing happened and I was making it up all in my head and I was trying to control him and stop him having friends. I forgave him (detail removed by moderator) found another girl same again he said it wasnt like that my last friend I have left called him a bully so he called the police and banned her from my house. Took him back again as he did the I’ll change i love you then mothers day didn’t see him he was sleeping with someone else. Came home a few days after and said he wanted to move out to his mums to clear his head couple of weeks later found out he was doing same again but it got physical. Said I’m stopping him having friends and going out as I said I want him to change because I love him with all my heart and do want it to work but then I have no life he wont have the girls unless he is at my house he wont do over night he said he will just have them here if I want to go out but still wants to know all the details but if I message him when hes out I’m nagging and controlling him and spoiling his good time. I literally have no friends no support and I am doing everything while he lives the life he wants and turns it on me when I say anything and says he likes the way it is now I honestly dont know wht to do and I know he will just work his charm and it will just stay the same I know I need to leave but I dont think I will ever get a life back as he has dragged my name through the mud I have no one and he said he feels sorry for the next man I trap like I did him so I dont want to talk to anyone I dont know what to do or who to turn to for help

[freedomtochoose]

Hello I’m feeling lost.

We have all been to this place. I am sure. Some of us have kids. Some don’t.

We know how tough it is to start posting here.

It is the beginning of a journey. Not easy. But worth it in the end.

You didn’t trap a man. He trapped you.

Step by step, you (and us) and helpers can work it out.

Trust ladies on here. We can do this. You can do this.
Please also phone Women’s Aid to discuss as soon as you can

all best
ftc
x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, ijust wanted to welcome you to the forum. This is your first small step on a long road, but to you doing this is so huge, so well done. We will support you every step of the way, it’s a safe place to talk, though sometimes we do get paranoid that it’s not, but it truly is, those thoughts have been created because we’ve been living in fear for so long.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Hello IFL and welcome, smart move reaching out on here!

This man sounds utterly dreadful, highly manipulative and controlling. He will only have ‘his’ kids when at yours, yes, so he can control when you go out and how long you’ll be and know exactly where you will be, meaning when he is not doing this, he also knows exactly where you will be, at home with your children.

The ONLY mistake you made was taking him back. Not sure how many times I read you saying that, but it’s a lot hey – this is common, we give them the benefit of doubt, hope things wil get better – it doesnt hey, and in the process we learn to ignore out gut feelings. So, I think you are saying you are out, sort of, he is living elsewhere now; but he is still very much controlling your life – yes?

I would say that the very first thing that needs to happen here is that you set up an agreed time for him to have the children at the same time every week, e.g. Friday tea time until Saturday teatime – a time that will work for you. It sounds like you feel ok to leave the children with him, as you do already in your own home, so I will assume there are no child protection concerns here, that he is a s**t partner but an ok-ish dad when with the children yes?

If he says he will only see the children at your house, then you say, no, you either take them and spend time with your children at the same time every week, or you don’t see them at all – up to you.

You think you need him because he’s your only support, only he is no support at all really is he, he comes with stress and unreliablity, you’d be better off without this kind of support from him, as you would know where you stand and you’d make other arrangements. He is not supporting you at all, he is only adding to the weight of the load, the little break you do get turns out to be no break at all really once you’ve dealt with him.

If he says he wont take them, then you have saved yourself an enormous amount of stress, as it means that you can wipe him out of your lives, then, if he wants this to change, he will either need to accept your terms, which are not unreasonable in the slightest btw! Or apply for an arrangements order to see the children; in which case the Judge will set out the terms, and no Judge in the land is going to make an order that says he can see his children at yours.

Then you are free to have the well earned break you need, knowing they will be with dad at the same time every week, you can start to plan your life a little, or simply get a break from parenting – you choose, answering to no one. The children are happy as they know what they are doing and when they will see their dad.

You say you have no support – so this is what you need to start to build. You mention his mum, is she likely to want to see her grand children? Could she help in any way? Could you go straight to her and by pass him? Make her your support? Most grand parents love to be involved, not all, I get that, but most – what is the situation here?

Contact WA, and get yourself a local domestic abuse support worker, she will help you with all sorts, mine has been a rock, amazing, I couldnt have done it without her, she will have sound advice and will sign post you to all the services you need – become a valued support to you.

Once you have made some strides here, you call the friends you want back, you apolgise profusely, you say you can see how controlling he was and how it was easier for you not to see them – and how much of a mistake that was – how you miss them being around – you go for coffee or invite them round for one.

Keep posting IFL, there’s some work to do but it’s all perfectly doable. You can do this but you need to start taking control of your life, for you and the children. FL.x

[ImFeelinglost]

He has been seeing another women again. He said he doesnt want her but doesnt know what he wants he put it on fb they were in a relationship but said it was a joke he has still been seeing her even after I found out and still been sleeping with me he said he will just come see the kids an hour a week. He then says he wants me and wants our family he is just messing with my head and its causing me to become ill I have called the local women aid but not had a reply I’m just a mess and really struggling to the point I dont want to be here,

[Iwantmeback]

Hi IFL, have you tried to get through to your local WA instead? I found mine a few lines down on the search engine from the main women’s aid information, it might come up with a map of various groups in your area.
Oh he’s so generous giving the children an hour of his time, whoop de do!!
What he’s doing is playing mind games, I believe it’s called triangulation, or even keeping your options open, what a charmer. I stopped falling for my oh’s threats of finding someone else a long time ago, it no longer hurts me, as I know it’s just another tactic he used/uses to get his own way. Once we see through them, their behaviour is so transparent, it’s actually laughable. So he puts out for all the world to see that he’s in a new relationship, then had the audacity to say it’s a joke. Jokes on him. Have you listened to the Beautiful South’s song, ‘I’ve had a little time’, it’s perfect in these type of scenarios, absolutely perfect💪💜💛💚(strength in the sisterhood)
Once you start to get advice from those who know his game, you’ll gain in strength and resolve. I always thought the saying, ‘a woman scorned’ only applied to women who’d been cheated on, boy was I wrong there. These men have no idea how strong we are, when it really counts. Keep posting, keep learning, play the long game, don’t get into any spats, it just feeds his addictions, which are power and control. Learn about trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt in an abusive relationship. We are here behind and beside you every step of the way.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Hi IFL, sadly what happens is when we finally pick up the phone and ask for support, what we learn is that we might need to do it a few times, dont give up, you wont regret it; there are so many women seeking support for DA, it is a very sad fact. However, once you’re on the books so to say, it’s a real lifeline. In reality, finding the right support can take a bit of time, somethings are helpful and other things not so, some professionals get it, others dont, so try to bare this in mind; and just chip away at whatever it is you need at the time until you find what and who you’re looking for. Yes agree with IWMB, could you google the local WA service and gve them a call? The number may be on the councils website. It’s Refuge in my area, you need to find out which charity it is for yours.

You sound so low and that you’ve lost your self worth; I know you dont really want to be sharing the same sexual partner do you, nor be someone that traets this woman and you this way. He clearly has no respect for women does he, thinks he can do what he likes. Please hun, take a stand, draw a line and go no contact with him, get him out of your life x

[fizzylem]

You and the children are better off not seeing him at all if it is just one hour a week with him calling the shots, tell him to sling his hook! He’s cheated, you know he will always do this, you’re right, he is just feeding you a line that he wants to be with his family, 1 hour a week is not him wanting to be with his family is it. He says this because it leaves the door open for his return, as and when he feels like it. Take back your power. Shut the door on him x

[diymum@1]

this is a man that will ‘feed’ his own desires and will at any cost id say even with regards to the children. they think its great they have a ready made family (who he has actually broken down) feeling vulnerable so through this he feels very much in power. he has someone else on the side lines too. he can do exactly what he wants hes getting his fill from all angles. the problem is youve said he likes to keep control of you still and what you do. be sure he will use child custody to continue to do this. if i were you id go to see a solicitor with an advocate from womens aid – im sure there are drop ins you can go to at wa. id get vey limited access for him and if he stlll feels like 1 hour a week great- that wont look good in court. id ask for that one hour to be in a contact centre you dont have to see him now. this is the hard part because when you take his control away he wont take that well. but he has too thats why you need official people on your side now – give them the heads up and make plans to get him as far away from you as you can. once you do this im sure your good friends/family will come back xx love diymum

[fizzylem]

Flower, you can not change him, the only person who has any power here to change things is you, you do this by putting a stop to it.

You think you need him, want him, love him, are a family – until you acknowledge there can be no ‘we’ anymore you will continue to go round and round, and he will continue to hurt you. Come on, it pains me to read your post, you are broken, but you can mend this if you reach out and draw that line.

You are like a little defenseless rabbit that this abusive bully keeps hitting with a stick – of course youre lost, worn out and in emotional pain x

[ImFeelinglost]

I call my local one a week ago and they said I would get a support worker but haven’t heard anything yet. He said at the weekend he had deleted her after I messaged her to see what had been said I think he has gone back to her now as he hasn’t come here. I wrote a list of things about the girls times etc but he just comes in and says he is really trying to change and he has made his choice but I know he is still seeing her as he wont prove it or show me his phone if he had nothing to hide he would think if I google I could find a number to get me in touch with my support worker I’m really needing help. As I’m stuck cutting that last string

[fizzylem]

Yes! Keep going. The first BIG step forwards is acknowledging you can not do this alone, reading your post you seem to have realised this – great! Doing cartwheels for you!

OK, if it helps, explain to me what it is that is stopping you from cutting the string. Or maybe write a list of reasons to stay and go?

In my mind he has cheated – numerous times – this is not ok for you. This is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

The lies – how can you have a trusting relationship? You cant can you? How can you have any kind of relationship without this? Not possible is it.

You have to decide it’s over for you, like doing the list of girls – this sort of stuff – really helps hey. I wrote loads of lists and process notes; I’m angry because..all the the hurtful things..what I’d really like to say..

If you can decide in your head ‘I’m done’ then the heart will follow, the heart kind of needs a bit more time, it needs time to be with the pain of the loss before it gets completely onboard with the head.

We need to get you out of this; it is no place to be x*x

[ImFeelinglost]

So he has deleted the other women from his life wether he dis or she did im not sure but he been coming down every night foing to pub then coming back. He said he didnt know where his head was at or why he did what he dis i cant get a straight answer. I walked (detail removed by moderator) we broke up and i kissed another man in that time and thats what he uses against me he says ive sone wrong and he forgave me, i said i have plans tomorrow night as a friend invited me out but now he wants a sitter so we can go together i donr know if he is genuinly trying or if he has some kind of plan, i said i would stay friends with him as i dont trust him to get back together. But then he just does as he wants goes out every night while i have the gurls so i think thats why he says that he likes how we are doing because now we arent together i have no life while he does whatever

[fizzylem]

Spot on, yes he likes knowing you are at home while he’s out enjoying himself. It would not suprise me in the slightest if this other woman told him to sling his hook hence his return and all the BS he’s splurting, poor him not knowing where his head is at or why he did this – BS BS BS! He’s just trying to win you back, get you to feel sorry for him, only being back with you to him is doing what he’s always done, coming round whenever he wants for sex and whatever else he wants – and nothing more, no committment, no respect, no responsibilties.

He will have hated you saying you just want to be friends now and youre going out – 100% – go you! Soooo good to read.

Keep going now; promise yourself ‘I’m done – no going back’. You really do deserve better flower and can have a much better life without him x

[Flowerchild]

It sounds as if you are very much still in a relationship with him, darling.

He’s playing the field while you have all the pain of being cheated and and none of the benefits of a partner.

Talk to us and think through what YOU want, for a change. You don’t need his permission or approval.

Flower x

[ImFeelinglost]

I had been invited out on a night out but i dont drink but said i will go along anyway and all he been saying today is that will be my test for when tou fo out as he is scared i will find someone better but then he says that we are single anyway so i can find aomeone and he qill tell people he is single but then says hes not looking for anyone and i shouldnt be but asks what would i do if someone asked me on p**s or try to force themaelves on me as he said thats what some men do and he is worried as he doeant think i can handle my self and he wont be there to help, it feels like im juat rhe fill in gap. And if i try to talk to him any more i dont get straight answers its just a huge mess and its messing with my head. I do want to stay friends but then he acts like he wanta to make a go and then the next he just qanta me around until aomething better xomes back. I still havent heard from my support worker and im really struggle to say no to him as i love him and he knows i will always just take him back i need to be stronger but dont know jow to be

[fizzylem]

Jeese! All that just from you arranging to go out – he is seriously trying to mess with your head isnt he flower.

Call the support worker again, it doesnt hurt to follow up, especially when you feel the way you do, perhaps you could ask for an update and if there is anyone you could talk to on the phone today as you’re feeling desperate?

Such good points Flowerchild has raised.

You want to be friends but friends dont treat one another this way do they? If he wants to be friends then he needs to act like one – you cant do anything about his behaviour, you can only draw the line and state what your boundaries are e.g what is ok for you and what is NOT ok. TBH most people just get it, they get how to treat friends and others, with kindness and respect, they dont need it spelling out.

Put him out chick, tell him not to come round at all, email only for arrangements to see the children and it is for these arrangements only and for no other purpose. Really think you need some space apart, some head space, with a regular time he sees the children, in his own place, you need a consistant routine for the child arrangement. He does not have the right to talk to you this way. You are single, you can do whatever you like, it’s completely up to you. He has no business even asking, it’s control control control. He doesn’t really want you but he doesnt want anyone else to have you either – he wants you waiting around for him, to be there for him to decide how to use. Come on hun, you can do this. Get yourself some space x

[ImFeelinglost]

I realised (detail removed by moderator) when a girl messaged him and he lied to make it sound like im the crazy liar. A lady i work with said some things some true some false and he made it out to all be lies. I dont see why there is a need to lie. He may not be talking to the new women but he still added a previous one back, i cant sense of any of this in my head im going to call them today and see where the referral is. I said i waa going to talk to the women from work (detail removed by moderator) and he was like no just say this … then walk away if you listen to what she says they will win. I dont know what to do. As if i listen i will get the truth about how he met this other women and what was said

[fizzylem]

This is great, you are starting to see through him and the lies; they ALL say this, really they do, you’re crazy. Trying to turn it round and put it back onto you – have you noticed how you get the blame for EVERYTHING – it’s never him is it. It’s like you should not be questioning him or how he behaves isnt it. They tells lies because they know that if we had the truth we’d be gone and the game is up. I know this sounds awful to say, but these men are only concerned with meeting their own needs, they are selfish, I would even go as far to say parasites. Have you read anything on nar ciss istic abuse on-line? Might help you to see him and the tactics he uses for power and control with you.

So glad you are speaking to others about all this now – it’s being isolated with your thoughts that keep it going. You are taking steps in the right for direction for sure x

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