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    • #98178
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      So after a disastrous court case over access I find myself handing one of my children to him for the weekend whilst the other ones mental health has nose dived as a result of the access they granted to his sibling. My baby now probably needs medication because he feels no one cares he was abused. I feel we’ve been gaslighted by the system itself and that it’s my children suffering. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to deal with it all. Everyone told me we would be believed and helped and we were except for when it mattered most. Now there’s nothing I can do except accept the abuse will continue from afar whilst he swans around like he’s done nothing wrong. I didn’t really ever expect the system to protect me but the fact they’ve allowed a child to experience this injustice is unfathomable. I feel paralysed again as there’s nothing i can say to take his pain away and nothing i can do to protect my youngest from that man and I know I need to accept it but I just can’t.

    • #98209
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      And I’ve not heard from my son again. he stops him using his phone when he’s there. I feel sick

    • #98210
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Whosthatgirl,

      I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time around contact and the family courts. We know that many women feel experience ongoing abuse through the courts and child contact. It’s incredibly upsetting and traumatic and can feel like it will never end.

      Have you been in touch with your local domestic abuse service at all? Many of them have dedicated services for children and young people, and also offer emotional support and counselling to women who have left abusive relationships. If you think that might be helpful, you can find your local service here.

      I hope you’re feeling better today.

      Take care,
      Lisa

    • #98211
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Teach your son what it ok and not ok, what is accpetable and unacceptable behaviour; help him find his voice. As soon as he doesnt want to go this can either be used back in court or he will be seen to be old enough to decide; inform cafcass when he says he doesn’t want to go – be mindful not to come across as neurotic, anxious or alienating.

      Get him some counselling; so that he can talk to the counsellor about what is occuring and this can be recorded – call the NSPCC for this.

      I’m so sorry to hear this; I feel I am two steps behind you; feel so very fearful this is what will be our outcome too. I can see I am believed by my team, but in reality there is very little the court can do. I’m trying all the same because I don’t have any other choice. Hugs xx

    • #98239
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      Thanks. Oh fizzylem I really hope you get a better result. The court experience was a nightmare for me. My only advice is stick to your guns and don’t be forced into compromises too early in the case x*x

    • #98247
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Thanks hun, know exactly what you mean. Take some time to de stress from this, its so b****y stressful isn’t it. Youve worked hard on this for a long time; chill now, disengage.

      It’s so easy to fall into feeling hopeless, squashed and disempowered. Saying you are saddened and disppointed just doesnt cut it here does it, but be with these emotions however you feel for as long as you need. Before you feel ready to pick it up again. These are our children and nothing is more important to us than their safety and well being hey.

      So, a good rule of thumb I use is, work on what I can do and let go of the rest. Longing for things to be different, getting angry that the system needs to change – we cant do a thing about this can we so we have to let it go. Its rubbish and not right but this is what we’ve got. We have little energy, so invest this wisely – invest it in what you can do only.

      What we can do is draw from the power in the relationships we have with our children; dont under estimate the influence you have here. Your children love you very much, and when you meet their needs and he doesnt, eventually they come to know and feel which parent can be relied upon here, which parent they can trust.

      Try not to fall into telling him what he needs to think here; rather use the difficulties he faces with dad as problems to resolve and overcome. Talk in general terms or say well I once had a friend that did this and I thought that was a great idea etc; and when he says things that leave you feeling heartbroken, empathise with his feelings only, e.g sounds like you dont feel respected, yes I can imagine that was frightening, that sounds disappointing. Try to create an environment where he feels ok to talk about dad and what happens there, try to empower him – help him work out a positive solution.

      Get him doing lots of emotional health worksheets – loads of these on pinterest, will help to build him up, build self esteem – and question what is right and wrong. Also activities that build his esteem; a sport can be very helpful here if he’s not engaged in one already – find what he likes and wants to do – what he enjoys.

      Anything he can take from home to help him feel the comfort of home if he needs it? My daughter asked for something of mine and she wears this, helps her to feel I am with her when she feels frightened and alone.

      I would call cafcass and say is there a way we can keep intouch, so I can let you know what is happening and get advice?

      Such a sh!t card you’ve been given – we have one arm tied behind the back and fingers crossed at all times trying to protect our children when it is not clear what exactly is going on hey – fathers rights trump everything else; this may have come to be but you will continue to support your son however he needs you to in any situation.

      NSPCC aim to stop abuse for every child – so they are the ones to call; get prof support flower for him; get these people to work for him and you, take his father on for you.

      You are not powerless here, but sadly you have a fight to continue for now. You can still remove him if you feel this is needed but reach out and get legal advice and speak to childrens services if you feel you need to do this so you have their support. Big hugs to you x*x

    • #98459
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      Thanks Fizzylem. Such brilliant advice. I will definitely keep this for guidance as we move forward. My problem is my son really only opens up to me and the court don’t believe me but your ideas are great and give me a way through it all x

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