20th May 2020 at 10:38 am #103877Benjicat15Participant
This is my first time on forum. I left my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago.
I left under difficult circumstance. I dont even know where to start to explain.
He was extremely controlling through out time together. I was with him for (detail removed by moderator).
I was a shell of a person when i left.
I took my 3 children & we moved out of family home.
(Detail removed by moderator) down the line & I am still at his mercy.
He dictates days he has kids – he no longer speaks tto oldest (detail removed by moderator) but blames me.
He talks through kids- he changes plans at last min.
He is clear about is hatred for me with the kids & regularly makes awful comments in front of them.
Over time the kids have been conditioned to accept the situation as it is. In the early days i tried my best to set out things on mine & the childrens terms – but got so worn down over time.
If i didnt go along with him with anything he would take it out on kids by not seeing them & blaming me. Stupidly i carried on and on realising now nothing i do makes a difference to his hatred oof me. When the kids have ever spoken up for me – or asked him to stop how he treats me – he ends up making them feel bad.
I always thought i was keeping peace for the best for the kids. Im now realising that nothing i do or dont do makes him stop how he treats me.
Its all subtle things – like ignoring me in front of kids – subtle put downs about my life.
To anyone else he is the most charming person with a very responsible job.
He tells lies to anyone that will listen about me – tp our children- & has random outbursts at me – when noone else is there.
I was very poorly (detail removed by moderator) & he added to stress telling the kids i wasnt sick & making it up.
I left with nothing – no possessions- no house – he was left with everything.
Even the divorce i cannot afford so he has a solicitor dealing with it.
I feel like every day is a silent torture & i do not know how to change anything.
Because of his job – his behaviour its like he still has control. His behaviour causes so much distress. If i were to stop the children going – they would be devastated which i dont want. My oldest has not been going since I was poorly – this is because of how he treated my son when i was ill. My second son no longer wants to go as much but my youngest knows everything going on & just says everyone thinks my daddy is nice but underneath he is mean.
20th May 2020 at 11:26 am #103881KIP.Participant
You need a court ordered access agreement and you need to have zero contact with this man. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Use a third party for hand overs and text messages regarding child issues. Can a friend or family member handle this for you, and if he refuses to see his kids then that’s great for them. You now know it’s all about his continued control of you. He doesn’t care about the kids or he wouldn’t use them this way. Make a scheduled access agreement meantime and stick to it x the kids will then also have continuity
20th May 2020 at 12:05 pm #103886iliketeaParticipant
I dont have any specific advice but I wanted to say I totally understand this behaviour. I’m at the start of this and am so frightened of what will happen when I do leave. This is happening to me at the moment. Parental alienation is recognised as a form of abuse to you, and also the children. I was looking it up yesterday. Have a google and read up. The courts take it very seriously now. I think it was on the NSPCC site. Could you get legal aid for advice? Or ask a solicitor for their free consultations, I spoke to 4 solicitors, all for free, some went well over an hour and were more than happy to help and discuss. There are also Mackenzie Friends who can help when/if you have to go to court and don’t want to face that charming-everybody-likes character. I know exactly what you mean. I have one here. It is a true mind F* excuse my language. Sending a hug and strength. As horrible as it feels, in the long run it will help you all to do something about his behaviour. Its abuse. xx
21st May 2020 at 12:50 pm #104007Benjicat15Participant
Thank you so much for the replies – i really appreciate.
I am still in recovery for illness but i need to find strength for the kids.
I feel so alone. My family are aware of the situation but are baffled as to what we can do.
Family have tried before now to help but they also know any words with him – anything they say will come back to make it worse for me.
The things he has done to me over time and up to now im aware would impact his job & life if he were found out.
Im scared to report anything or take anything further.
Im going to try looking for free legal aid. X
21st May 2020 at 6:38 pm #104023KIP.Participant
If you don’t hold him accountable and set and stick to boundaries then because you have kids, you will have a lifetime of abuse. You do not have to put up with this. There’s nothing you can do to appease him because he doesn’t want to be appeased. He simply wants to continue his abuse and that comes with contact. You need to have zero contact and report the abuse to the police. He’s not your responsibility and abuse will always get worse. Ending a relationship And soon afterward is the most dangerous time. He has no intention of stopping the abuse. Someone needs to stand up to him. He’s a bully. My advice is to report the abuse and ask the police to protect you too x there’s lots of help out there. Women’s aid. Victim Support. The police. Allowing your kids to be exposed to this kind of controlling dysfunctional behaviour will affect them badly. The kids don’t know about abusive behaviour but you do and you need to protect them from it. A man who abuses the mother abuses the children. You can’t be the mum you should be for them when you’re being abused.
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