Lost in a fog of self doubt

[Byzantium]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I posted.

I posted a while back about my relationship with my partner. We’d Ben together for several years and things had initially been really good. After around (detail removed by moderator)he started to show some different behaviours. He would become distant, be in a bad mood for no obvious reason (he never likes to talk about what may be on his mind or allow others to help). He would stonewall me for days to a fortnight at a time then act like nothing had happened and tell me nice things. His unpredictable mood swings were difficult to deal with at times and I found myself questioning what I had done wrong and why he was cold and sometimes verbally horrible to me.

We got engaged eventually and we planned to buy a house (his idea). We hadn’t lived together full time at this point but he didn’t want to rent first because he saw it as a waste of money and he wanted to be a home owner. He pushed for us to buy a new and larger house than we needed. I suggested is buying a cheaper house that we could do up over time and have some money left over but he sulked, became annoyed and made it clear that he would only move in with me if we went for the house type he wanted. He assured me that we would be able to afford it and
we would be splitting the expenses.

(detail removed)after we had exchanged contracts and accepted a mortgage offer, he quit his job claiming he couldn’t bear to work there anymore. He took a few months out before the move to unwind before the stress of the move. He hasn’t worked since. He has applied for jobs and I think he underestimated how difficult it would be to get another job.
As a partner I have tried to support him but he has been very snappy and secretive about looking for work. He decided that it would be best to put the house in a joint tenancy. Because I put more money into the house he has essentially gained money from the start. At the time I was in love and we were engaged so it didn’t seem to matter.

(detail removed) I dealt with the house purchase beforehand so he wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of it all. He would go out with family and friends while I was trying to sort out flooring and utilities for the house.

He eventually got involved with choosing furniture for the house. He wanted ‘nice’ furniture for the house. I tried to suggest that we could start with some more affordable furnishings (I was wary that he was still not working or to my knowledge had even looked for work at the time). He went and ordered the furniture anyway. We had agreed a budget and how much each of us would contribute to furnishings. (detail removed)

After (detail removed) of living together his behaviour got a lot worse. I work full time and have a long commute but I start early so would always be home by dinner time. He spent a lot of time watching box sets during the day but would make dinner (we split it) most weekday nights.
I never knew what I would come home to. He was usually horrible to me when I got home. If I asked him how he was or how is day was (out of genuine care and interest) he would refuse to talk about it, call me names, criticise everything I used to do. If I did something it was the ‘wrong’ way, ‘what idiot does it that way’, ‘you’re such a re&£@d’, you’re completely useless’ etc. He would swear t me, tell me he hoped I would chick on my food and die, stand in the other room and scream repeatedly that he hates me, threaten to leave, disappear to his family or friends and go out for the weekend or away without me.
(detail removed) made me sleep on the concrete floor downstairs (flooring was going down the following week). I slept on the floor and eventually broken spare bed for over 4 months. When I cooked he would throw the plate in front of me and say it was disgusting or inedible- sometimes he would criticise how it was cooked then eat it. Sometimes he would be upset and if I tried to hug him he would physically push me away or slap my hands away. I thought he may have been depressed but when I tried to talk to him about it he would say that he was not depressed and didn’t need any help because there was nothing wrong with him.

Any seasonal holidays had to be spent with his family otherwise he would become angry because I was selfish if I wanted to spend even some time with my family. I haven’t had a Christmas or Easter with my family in years. I was always really close to my family (who don’t like him but say nothing because they don’t want to cause any issues for me.

He finally got a temporary job over Christmas. He got really angry on (detail removed) because his working meant that he couldn’t stay with his family until the new year. I think I had put a cup back in the wrong place in the cupboard again. He got angry and kicked the door which damaged it.

He would often say that I don’t love him and if I did then I would do things like putting the mug away’properly’. Sometimes he would joke that if I did something again he would smash my face in. It was said in a joking way but I wasn’t comfortable with it. He said if that bothered me then I should stop being a pansy and there was something wrong with me.

I eventually left and went home for a while.
I have since gone back to him. He made it clear he didn’t want to spend Valentines Day with me because that’s for couples who love each other and he wanted to spend it with his family who had time off work instead.

Shortly after that his behaviour changed. He became very caring and respectful towards me.
He then sprang on me that he had decided that he wants to have a baby before he gets too old to play with his children. He also started talking about marriage again and he wanted it all very soon. He then mentioned that I am due to receive some money from my family and I could use all of that for baby stuff and a wedding. He has been completely different over the last month apart from the odd comment. The past experience has made me wary though and I’m struggling to feel the same as I did before. I’m worried that he does not love me unless his wants are met and he just wants the house and a baby rather than wanting those with me. I’m not sure if it’s fair that I pay for all the baby stuff and a wedding.

He also gripes me out of the blue. I’m not keen on being intimate with him but I give in at times just to avoid him going back to how he was.

I come from a very modest background. My family were never well off when I was growing up. My mum worked two part time jobs which were poorly paid, my clothes were second hand but I had a happy childhood and I was always loved. I’m happy without a big house and nice things. Financial security is important to me and I was thought to save for things.

I was a carer for years while I worked full time in a stressful job. Family and people are always more important to me.

He is from a better off background. His family are successful and he has certain expectations which I feel I am being made responsible for achieving.

I always felt I deserved no better than the way he treated me but I think I’m starting to resent him for me having to cover our joint expenses and now being asked to pay for a baby and wedding he wants.

I have doubts about having a baby. He used to say that if he ever left he would take our child with him. I struggle to cover the expenses and can only do so by putting myself into financial difficulties. I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I have been taken advantage of financially and he doesn’t care. If he did he would try and do something to contribute to the expenses and the dreams he wants.

He acknowledges that we can’t afford the upkeep of a baby right now but he says he doesn’t care and we ‘need’ to do it before it’s ‘too late’ to have a baby.

I’m afraid that if I put my foot down he will go back to how he was. I don’t want to go back to the name calling, things being thrown and sleeping on a broken bed again. If I leave I will lose a lot of money on the house. Part of me wishes I could feel about him how I used to but I know emotionally I am holding back. I’m afraid to be vulnerable again. I have also been diagnosed with a disability recently and I’m struggling to get my head around it. It doesn’t stop me from doing what I need to but it plays on my mind how the future might be. What should I do?

[KIP.]

This man is a parasite and an abuser. He wants a wedding and a baby because his meal ticket will be much harder to leave him then. It’s a difficult time for everyone but these changes in him are temporary and even if he’s being nice to you, he doesn’t get any brownie points for doing what a man should do in a loving relationship anyway. You need legal advice. Can you prove that you put more money into the purchase of the property? If you’re not married you may have more rights than you think. He’s upto something. Google the cycle of abuse. These men know exactly what they’re doing. He’s trying to trap you further. The abuse always gets worse and it’s well known that pregnancy, when we are vulnerable is an dangerous time for it to escalate. Work on an exit plan behind his back. Keep gathering evidence of his abuse and ask about a non molestation order or an occupation order via solicitor. Also, if you ever feel threatened then ring the police. Don’t stay a minute longer. Mr nice won’t last and Mr Angry will always be there because that’s who he really is. The nice part is just a mask he wears. They’re very often cheating too and I bet those times he disappeared was with other women. He’s not your responsibility and you deserve better. Trauma also affects our physical health, i has overactive thyroid and heart palpitations due to his abuse so now more than ever you need to put your health first x

[HopeLifeJoy]

He is exploiting and abusing you financially. He is treating you appallingly by making you sleep on the concrete floor. Who does that? These are not the actions of someone who cares and loves you for the rest of his life.
And now he wants to marry you and have a baby? Absolutely not!
Get out of this relationship now before you’re trapped further with a baby and marriage.
Seek legal advice indeed, see if you can keep the house and eventually sell it.
You deserve a healthy equal relationship, where you’re not coerced into buying a bigger house than necessary with the threat that otherwise he’s leaving you.
He’s terribly calculating, cold and manipulative.
Read up on financial abuse, domestic abuse. This is what is happening here.
Stay safe. Don’t let him know anything of your research and doubts about the relationship. You can’t trust him at all.
Contact Women’s Aid. Keep posting

[Byzantium]

I’m so confused today. I’m totally lost. Is it financial abuse if one partner is having to cover all the joint obligations while the other is out of work? He talking about things we need to buy but covering the joint expenses has eroded all of my savings to the point I have to use my overdraft for fuel and car insurance every month. I can’t afford to buy clothes for myself or cut my hair. I shouldn’t moan really. I know I should put the mortgage, food etc first. I must sound really selfish.

I had a promotion in work and he asked me how much the pay rise was. It was small and just shrugged my news off and said ‘Is that all’.

He wants to stay at home to look after the baby if we have one.

I should be excited about the idea of having my first child but I can’t escape the fear that he doesn’t really love me since he took the ring back and I’m worried I’ll have to cope with the stress of working, being permanently worried over money and afraid to not live up to his expectations.

Wanting marriage and a baby is normal for a couple and sometimes I feel I SHOULD provide these things. Sometimes I feel that he should contribute to the cost of what he wants then I feel guilty and selfish and think I should support him if I love him.

He had a go at my cooking and refused to eat lunch today. He was in a bad mood then he was loaned money from family and is now in a good mood.

I think he does love me but I’m worried about whether he is mature enough to have realistic expectations of things.

I keep replaying everything that’s happened and I’m as confused as ever. I don’t trust my own judgment. I think he loves me and I worry I’d regret it if I left him.

[hop]

The money you lose just walking away from the lot will pale I to comparison if this leech makes you have a baby and a wedding. He’s already saud he’ll take a child from you before any conception. Trust your instincts you’re not selfish for wanting nice things. You work hard for your money and he feels like he’s got a right to your stuff. He sounds f*****g awful. My ex used to say I never did anything round the house but he’d throw food I made away and if I ever went shopping all the food would go off because he wouldn’t eat what I’d bought (exactly same stuff he bought). Please, he’s an animal denying you if basic needs and making you sleep on the floor, using your money…….it’s not you. He should feel the guilt of taking rinsing you. If it was the other way round would you be so quick to commendere his finances…..ni? I didn’t think so. You’re life is worth more than money and starting again now will be easier than fighting for a child through a messy divorce. He’ll drive you to insanity and then take everything from you because that’s what these mongrels do!! Trust your feelings, you’re right about him. Walk away before you waste decades and 10s of thousands on him 💖 stay safe honey….he wants all this doubt. Veiled threats, he sounds like a 5 year old x*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes you should be exited to have your first baby and marriage. But with someone who’s acting in the best interest for you. Someone who’s sharing the same values and principles of life as you. Someone who’s cherishing you. Who’s respecting you. Who’s calling you nothing but sweet loving names.
A healthy relationship is based on respect, love, equality, trust, kindness, tenderness, freedom to stay and be who you are, brainstorming and thoughtfully planning together when taking important life decisions such as buying a house, marriage, creating a family, changing/ quitting a job. Thinking and sharing your concerns together about the consequences of each actions before taking them.
A healthy relationship is build on these strong foundations.
You deserve someone who’s respecting the values you’ve been thought in your childhood.
What is your father thinking of all this treatment? Of your current financial situation? And your mother? Other family members and your friends? What are their opinions and feedbacks?

On a purely material level – since this relationship started – your savings are already depleted, you’re on overdraft, you own a large house with an even larger mortgage, you work a full time job yet can’t afford even basic needs such as a haircut and clothes?? Can you see how very wrong this is? He is massively financially abusing and exploiting you. Massively!

Freedomfries is completely right; any financial loss now pales in comparison to what you get yourself into if you move forward with this relationship. You’ve already lost financially anyways. You will not only loose enormously financially, you will also loose mental and physical heath, you most probably will loose your job. As soon as you’re pregnant he will change the goal post again. He will say it’s a mothers job to look after the baby not the father. He will make you quit your job and he will find a new one out of the blue for himself. Meanwhile he will already have another woman lined up. You will be truly trapped, poor, in debts, without savings, unemployed, with a baby in your arms at his complete mercy. He will cut the heat in the house, food supply and start locking you in. By now he will have you isolated from your friends and family too, telling them you are crazy, mentally unstable and will need to be removed from your parental duties.

Please educate yourself about domestic abuse. Search for abusive power and control. Cycle of abuse.
Contact Women’s Aid.
Also why don’t you make a back ground check on him, ask the police for Clare’s law, to see if he’s abused and assaulted women before you.
Please protect yourself contraception wise.
Take good care of yourself and stay safe. Keep posting honey.

[Byzantium]

He’s allowing me to sleep in bed in the master bedroom now but if he gets upset he will ask me to move to the sofa or spare room. He isn’t keen on going back to work. The trouble is he has personal debts he is paying through money he stashed away and now money borrowed through family and friends. I don’t have the capacity financially to cover his debts (I helped out a couple of times but don’t have the means going forward). I’m worried we’ll struggle to cope financially without a child if he can’t pay his own loans. He doesn’t seem concerned about the finances and how we would pay for a baby. He wants one and he’s really excited. He just says we’ll make it work and other people manage financially.

He does have a good side to him and he can be very caring. If he didn’t have a good side it would be easier to leave. I do feel stuck emotionally in that I’m finding it so hard to forget what he did over the last year. I find it hard to trust that it won’t go back to that. I do feel a bit resentful about being treated badly and used at the same time.

My family are not happy at all about how I’ve been treated and have urged me to leave. They don’t say anything to him because they don’t want to cause issues at home for me when I have so many other pressures. They would freak out if they thought I was going to have a child. He wants a quick wedding ASAP which makes me nervous. The sudden turn around from being horrible to me and saying he doesn’t love me to wanting a baby and wedding feels strange and not normal.

He isn’t a complete monster but I don’t feel part of a team in terms of adult responsibilities. I don’t know if it’s fair that I should automatically be expected to find money for bills, baby and wedding on my own. When he did briefly have a job for a few weeks he kept the money he earned for himself and to cover his loans.

He says the way he was towards me was my fault because I didn’t listen to what he says, do things the right way and show him more affection. When I did try and hug him or be affectionate he used to push me away.

[KIP.]

He’s a liar and will just make stuff up to blame you and take the spotlight off his terrible abuse of you. He wants a quick wedding because he senses you’re pulling away. Once you’re legally married he gets much more rights over your income and property. Once you have a child you’re tied to him for 18 years. Abusers often want these things as a means of control, it’s not love. Listen to your family and friend who treat you well and have your best interests at heart. How dare he treat you this way x if he abuses you, he will abuse your child.

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