Lost in all the lies

[Tinyacorns]

Hi, I’m new & just wanting to share a little of my life story & how to move on.
My husband & I married(detail removed by moderator) both having survived a previous difficult relationship, we both had children from our previous relationships.
I should have seen what was to come in the early stages of our relationship, he had many issues from his childhood & from a deeply controlling religion. Our early days were very on & off, leaving a note under my pillow or a goodbye text, ignoring my calls & messages as to why! But he would be back with declarations of love & apologies & I would believe it all & take him back.
He promised me the world, he was always making plans, taking over conversations about his bigger & better experiences, he had done everything & more. He would charm my friends & family & make out I was the love of his life. But he had something dark about him that troubled me, he would smile but his eyes were dead.
I covered up his troubling behaviours, his way of tracking my movements, watching & commenting on my body language with others, his dislike of many of my friends, his constant reading of my phone, my emails. He would phone if I was out with friends to talk, he would turn up early if I had a night out.
Every week there was a trauma with business, his ex his kids, nothing was ever constant, life was a roller coaster of stress & anxiety.
I was/I am depressed, I never woke without a headache or feeling unwell, I never felt relaxed with him, I was always feeling I had done wrong or disappointed him, I watched what my children did & were doing because I knew he would comment, I would feel his stare of disapproval if they didn’t eat something or forgot to say hi in the morning.
I stopped inviting my friends, it was uncomfortable, & I knew that some didn’t like his ways, I became isolated & sad.but he would tell me I was beautiful, wonderful & his love forever, he would cuddle & kiss but this was always for him a pre cursor for sex, I wasn’t always in the mood but went along, I sometimes said no but to no avail, & it was easy to just let it be.
He asked me to trust & believe in him on numerous occasions which usually ended up been followed by some strange event that he would deny any involvement in!
He changed his jobs & friends constantly, he pushed to borrow money but all in my name, (he had poor credit) he never listened when I asked him to reign in financial risks, He exaggerated everything & blatantly lied with me present & aware of the real truth, just to look good, to be admired! He was critical of others, paranoid & deceitful. But he was a good salesman & could always charm people when required.
I was struggling, deep in debt, trying hard to stay strong for my children but dying inside from the chaos & emotional trauma but a deep need to be loved & to love him was over- riding. life was so hard, there was no happiness,no unity or consideration, just stress & he couldn’t stop piling on more emotional demands, more troubled business, more finance .. we were drowning & his answer to everything was I love you.. just trust me a little longer.
But the struggles got bigger along with the lies & fabrication, I never knew what was true or what to believe. A life threatening diagnosis with no actual evidence that went on for months, failure of his business & issues with creditors, bailiffs , taxmen trades people all banging on the door. But he leaves to stay with relatives & I am left to deal with it all alone. Court hearings, humiliation, repossession of our home, our cars, & then because everything was borrowed in my name I am made bankrupt.
More humiliation arrests & (detail removed by moderator) with me being pulled down with him.
It is a this point that I say no more, that I can’t live in his world & I have to put my children & my sanity first, he doesn’t understand that his actions, his manipulation & bullying has brought everyone to their knees & for me financial ruin. But I have not stuck to our marriage vows, I have abandoned him it is I that is the abuser & he a victim.
So left with nothing, living in a rented run down property with no heating on basic benefits we are left to cope. He has (detail removed) properties in his name, a supposedly lucrative income but as I have chosen not to be with him then I get no help.
I am watched, followed, accused, potentially phone hacked & intimidated by him, told he loves me & cant go on, that he needs me will put things right, more plans, more unrealistic goals, more fantasy this goes on for months & months, we meet up & talk, he wants to stay, he wants to give me the world, he wants sex, he has needs & then out of nowhere he is living with someone new!
My story is long, with many twists & turns that I have not included but I know I have been played & coerced. I have given this man my heart, my life, my money, he has filled my head with lies & deceit, he has ruined my life & my ability to be the parent I had wanted to be. He has pulled me down into his underworld, threatening my liberty, he hasn’t taken any burden of blame or accepted his part in where he has left my children & I.
But I still want his love, I still want him & I have to force myself to stay strong & not give him anymore of me… he has not thought of us in all of this & has tossed us to the side, as I am of no use anymore…
So how do I break my insanity & see him for what he is… how do I get him out of my head? How do I know what is real & what is the truth?

[Lisa]

Hi Tinyacorns, welcome to the forum.

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through, it sounds incredibly traumatic for yourself and your children. You’ve been so strong to leave and it sounds like you’ve made the right choice.

Your husbands behavior sounds very financially and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Have you had any support so far with the situation? It might feel helpful to get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. You can find you nearest service here.

I’m glad you’ve found us and hope you can find some comfort in the forum.

Keep posting.

Best wishes,
Lisa

[Tinyacorns]

Hi and thank you for your response. My stomach is in knots & I feel anxious & frightened, I want to talk to him, find out why, why all the lies, why me, why did he destroy me, why has he replaced me so easily. I want to look into eyes & see the truth. I know I shouldn’t, I know I should stay away & be strong but it’s just so hard & the pain so real, I just need to know why, I need closure to be able to move forward & heal. I know I need counselling & help but as a bankrupt on minimal finance I cannot afford to choose a private counsellor & I have had nhs Cbt & counselling before but it didn’t touch or identify the real issues.
Messed up, tormented, & feel like nothing, like my life is a joke, that I am a failure & unloveable.
But I will keep strong, he will not win…

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi and welcome here Tinyacorns

Well done for leaving him, that’s so brave.
Of course now you wish closure and wonder why a person would deliberately want to destroy you and your life. That’s completely natural. Your anxiety too is normal, it takes time to recalibrate your entire nervous system. Leaving an abuser takes enormous courage, you are coming down from a high adrenaline rush, going through anxiety, perhaps nightmares at some point too, all very normal. Visit your GP and tell them what you are going through, they can definately help.

Try to keep steady and absolutely do not seek answers to your questions from the very person who created all this hurt for you. You’d be knocking on the wrong door. He will only continue to hurt you. He will never give you closure, to him that means giving up his control over you. It’s never going to happen.

To find answers to your questions as to why? there are excellent books on the subject Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

You will go through a grieving period, best to look up the term ‘five stages of grief’ and also ‘trauma bonding’ this is the bond explaining why we love our abusers even though they are so cruel to us.

It would be very good for you to contact a Women’s Aid support worker to gain some clarity on how to move forward with your life, to hear about your options, to receive much needed validation and support.

You need to stay away and safe first and foremost. This is the most important action right now. And taking care of yourself by getting enough sleep and keeping hydrated by drinking plenty of water.

Sending you hugs, keep on staying strong & Keep posting

[HopeLifeJoy]

And also; I’m very sorry you went through all that abuse. You’re not alone.

[Author]

Posts