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    • #124097
      Scapegoat
      Participant

      So things have come to a point where I can’t stand to be here anymore. I took the plunge in asking my employer for help and support and also have been assigned an IDVA by women’s aid who consider me high risk. But I’ve been bombarded with that much information and things I have to do -I can’t cope. My job is stressful enough as it is and I feel ready to explode into a million pieces. My body has shut down and I can’t stop crying.I’m not sleeping and haven’t eaten for (detail removed by moderator) days. I just can’t do it but I can’t stay either and now feel like I’m under attack from everyone and just want to run.
      I told him (detail removed by moderator) I don’t want to be here as I just can’t do this anymore. I know I’m not supposed to do this but I have to. I suppose I want his acceptance. Which obviously I won’t get. He’s started pleading already but I know it’s just b******t but I really can’t hurt him despite what he’s done me.
      Now I could stand to lose my job if I don’t go through with it. I’ve told them I need things to slow down a,d they see I’m losing it. I feel so useless and pathetic. I’m just hopeless. Why can’t I put me first? Or act like a grown up. I’m just attacking ( not physically but verbally ) anyone who’s telling me what to do. They’re all going to think I’m mad ☹️

    • #124100
      Catjam
      Participant

      You have taken a huge step. I know when I finally told my gp I felt so bad. Like I betrayed him. I also told him what I had done. I was hoping he would acknowledge his behaviour and rush out to get help. He promised he would do anything to make things right. I asked him to leave but he refused. Anytime I try and talk to him I just get a list of all the things he has done to change.

      It’s terrifying and completely overwhelming. By opening up and telling someone you have also said admitted to yourself that you can’t go on like this. I leave in a few days and I feel so guilty for the pain I am going to cause him.
      Please try to do small things to take care of yourself.
      I think the panic you are in is quite normal. It’s taken me a year from asking for help to being on the verge of leaving.
      I was advised to have an emergency escape bag elsewhere with money and a phone with important numbers in. I’m not classed as high risk but I was still advised to do this as these men are so unpredictable.
      You have taken the first step towards a safer future. You are stronger than you realise. Take care, big hugs x*x

      • #124297
        Camel
        Participant

        Hi Scapegoat,

        I hope you’re OK. What’s happened to make you think you could lose your job? (detail removed by Moderator) You’re living with a crazy-maker. You went to them for help and I’d be very surprised if they hold it against you. I don’t think they’d get away with it legally either, so try not worry.

        Sending a hug. x

    • #124139
      gettingtired
      Participant

      🙁 I understand what you’re saying. The other day someone who I tried (and failed) to open up to a while ago about the abuse asked me if things were ok now and I immediately got defensive, cagey and didn’t want to talk about it. I changed the subject. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. 
      I feel the same about not understanding why I can’t put myself first or act like an adult as you said. I feel like a small child just wanting to run way from all my problems or wishing someone else could deal with it all for me because I feel so weak and pathetic. 
      It’s understandable why you’re feeling like you want everything to slow down. You’ve been living with the abuse for so long and now suddenly everything’s happening and it feels like you’re being bombarded and backed into a corner. I wish I had some decent advice but I’m feeling a similar way and don’t know what to do. I’m running out of time now with the chance of me leaving behind his back being just a matter of weeks away. I don’t think I can do it. 
      I really hope the IDVA can help you. 
      It’s all such a huge emotional rollercoaster, the only thing I try to do is drink enough water and do something small that might relax me; even just massaging any tension in my face or having a bath. I try to tell myself tomorrow is a new day or something to ease the despair. Sorry I know that seems obvious but it’s the only thing I can manage to do for myself. 
      I wish I could give you some constructive, useful advice. You’re so strong to be holding down a responsible job alongside the abuse. I know you probably don’t feel it but you really are. Sending a virtual hug x*x

    • #124301
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Scapegoat,

      So sorry to hear you’re struggling. How would you feel about visiting your GP to get signed off work for a couple of weeks? Do you have family or friends you could stay with whilst you gather yourself? Sometimes you just need to duck out and reboot.

    • #124328
      Scapegoat
      Participant

      Thank you for the advice ladies. Mentally, I’ve lost it. I went against all the advice and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. I expected him to go mad, smash things up etc…none of this which makes me feel like an idiot. He ended up begging me to stay and give it another chance. I said I couldn’t as my head is all over the place but would stay for now so he can get help, sort himself out with a job not for me but for him.
      He’s been lovebombing me with all different promises, cookng for me, telling me how beautiful I am, how he can’t live without me, how hell never accuse me again, how hell support me in my job. How I need to go out with my friends etc. I asked him why now and never before . He says he realises what a d**k he’s been.
      But now I’m anxious about everything. Firstly I don’t trust him. 2 I’ve got a really s**t, worthless opinion about myself. 3. I’ve got terrible mood swings going from sitting with him talking to screaming and crying and saying I can’t do it. Now I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job as I haven’t left him I’ve backtracked. I really have gone mad. I feel permanently sick. I feel trapped. I feel like a baby who’s not capable of running their own life. I feel like I’ve let everyone down who I asked for advice or disclosed to. I just need space. I go from one being feeling okay to the next feeling like I want to take my own life.my only conclusion for this is that deep down I know it’s wrong.
      I can’t do it their way, with all this cloak and dagger stuff. I want to be open and honest and grow a backbone. But I can’t . What the hell is wrong with me?

      • #124333
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hey, sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. It’s understandable how you’re feeling and makes sense from an outsider’s point of view. I understand why you don’t want to go behind his back, that makes you feel devious and guilty. I get it. You feel like you need to be fair, be honest and open with him and tell him what’s going on in your head. It’s not about you growing a backbone to be honest and open though.
        His response is textbook; false promises and future faking. He probably realises you’re serious now so wants to hoover you back in. It’d be too risky for him to react with rage as you may just run. None of it is genuine. 

        Could you speak to your GP about medication? I have no experience of meds (yet) but it may help you with your emotions. I feel like I’m trying to hold it together at the moment, lurching from one feeling to the next. I’m considering calling the GP with the hope of stabilising my mood a bit but not sure I’m brave enough. Also, could you speak to them about being signed off, even just for a week? 
        I’m sorry I don’t feel like I’m the right person to give great advice as I’m feeling similar to you. Feeling like a baby who’s not capable of running their own life is exactly how I feel. Although you believe that about yourself, it really isn’t true. You haven’t let anyone down, it’s not as simple as just taking advice on board immediately and leaving. 
        Is there a family member or a friend/work colleague you could stay with just to get some space even for a few days/a week? xxxx

      • #124337
        Hawthorn
        Participant

        Nothing is wrong with you. Your whole message sounds completely rational and a totally normal response to being abused and gaslit. I also thought I was going crazy and needed so much reassurance that I was, in fact, completely sane. I’m going to give you that same reassurance; you are NOT crazy. You are completely sane. You are reacting completely normally to a horrific situation.

        As you say you need space, and you do. To clear your head and clarify your thoughts. If your relationship was normal you partner would accept and allow this. That he won’t is further proof of his abuse and need to control you. Try to get away anywhere; a friends house, stay with family, a hotel, a safe house, anything for some space. Your GP will sign you off work. This situation is making you ill. Good luck and keep reaching out x*x

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