Love addiction

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’ve not been on here for a while, I left my abusive ex a few years ago. I’ve been told I have complex PTSD from childhood and domestic abuse by a few therapists and the symptoms were really bad this week, made worse by PMT and some other conditions I have. I was feeling crazy and like I was losing it until I remembered PMT and also remembered about love addiction and started reading about it again.

Does anyone else suffer from love addiction? It’s where you are attracted to and attract emotionally unavailable (often good looking, charming, bad boy types) men who are also known as ‘love avoidants.’

– The Love addict has a conscious fear of abandonment and a subconscious fear of intimacy
– The Love avoidant has a conscious fear of intimacy and a subconscious fear of abandonment

When you first get together with them you get an absolute euphoric high, it feels like this super intense amazing chemistry, you feel like this person is going to solve all of your problems, that you can finally relax and give him all your pain and that ‘everything is now going to be ok.’ Typically the relationship starts to go wrong quickly since it’s based on a fantasy (plus these men don’t usually have the traits needed for healthy relationships such as maturity, honesty, ability to take responsibility for own actions, faithfulness etc), you try to save the relationship but it is doomed from the start. You end up in a pit of pain, despair, devastation, confusion and loneliness only for the cycle to start up again months or years later with a new very similar man.

I repeated this cycle multiple times since I started dating years and years ago. None of my relationships have ever made it past 1.5 years and even that included me crying every week wondering whether to split up with him. I’ve always been envious and fascinated by people who had these calm, stable, healthy, loving relationships where they are not constantly crying and feeling sick. My problem has been that I don’t seem to feel attracted to good/kind/normal/healthy men but as soon as I meet a n**********c/psychopathic type I seem to feel mesmerised by and addicted to them. I finally have realised it’s all because I didn’t get the love, validation, respect and attention from my parents as a child so it creates this inner void of pain and loneliness and sadness that the subconscious seeks to heal by choosing an emotionally unavailable partner similar to the parents.

I’m glad I’m aware of this now but I still feel like I haven’t really ‘healed’ that inner wound. I don’t really know exactly how to heal it? The experts are always explaining this dynamic and they say ‘when you’ve done the inner work and healed the wound’ but I keep thinking how? How exactly do I heal this so I can move on with my life and stop feeling in pain repeating the same hellish patterns?

I was triggered really badly this weekend by this song and the accompanying music video. In it the singer sings about a man she met the night before, they spent the night together and she wakes up feeling ‘in love’ and she can’t stop thinking about him and is distracted all day at work daydreaming about their time together. In the video her and her new man retrace their steps back to the location where they parted that morning at sunrise by a river. It reminds me SO BADLY of several of my past romances. I once met a man in a club when I lived in a foreign country and we stayed up all night kissing in a park until 7am. It felt absolutely magical. I dated him after that, he was absolutely gorgeous but unfortunately he was also extremely immature, selfish, unreliable, an alcoholic, would disappear for days on end then suddenly reappear. The ‘relationship’ was basically just sex but I convinced myself that it was more than that because I was infatuated by him and nobody else compared. Despite it being a rubbish relationship I was miserable for months after it ended and craved that high that I got at the start of the relationship.

This has happened several times with me and the song/video is so painful to hear and watch but I also just am fascinated by it because I can relate to it so much.

The thing is, I’ve only ever wanted one man. I’m not promiscuous and I am also fussy. I go for years without liking anyone. I always thought and hoped each man would be ‘the one’ and was devastated when each relationship crashed and burned. It might seem fun having these romances when you’re young but it’s depressing when you are a long way past your teenage years and this pattern is still happening in your life which for the most part results in being single and feeling depressed and jaded. I’d like a normal relationship and have no idea how to meet and attract healthy men, maintain a healthy relationship and not have all of my anxieties triggered (my fears of abandonment and intimacy)

I know there are 12 step groups but unfortunately I’ve already tried these and they made me feel worse, plus my brother attends them and he was abusive to me growing up and is partly the reason for my issues. I’ve started application for therapy today, I really need to start talking to someone who understands all of this stuff. I’ve felt so bad for so long and want to heal and start rebuilding my life.

I also feel like an in person (non-12 step) support group for female only love addicts/survivors of abuse would be really helpful but I don’t think this exists where I am at least.

[fizzylem]

Hi SRF, nice to hear from you again. Have you tried the meetups website? Lots of empowerment groups on their, women only stuff, but guess it depends where you live, obs there’s a lot more the nearer you are to the cities.

I would say that the key to healing is self awareness and to rid yourself of any demons, the things we do that trip us up, like you’ve talked about. Living in the moment and being true to yourself is key; knowing yourself, being emotionally well and resiliant; knowing and feeling you could be vulnerble at any time and that’s ok, because it will either kill you or make you stronger, whatever it is that life throws at you – so you’ll deal with it if and when it happens.

Yeah I was always attracted to these kind of boys, didnt see it at the time, I chased the magic moments too, been single for a years now and kinda like it that way, I’m in the fear of intimacy camp for sure; but I’ve lived this way for so long it really doesnt bother me. I like being on my own; much less hassle. The lasy man in my life caused me so many problems for such a long time I dont ever want to get caught up anything like this again and I dont want to take the risk, it really doesnt seem worth it to me – why rock the flow when things are good. If I met someone I feel I’ve developed enough now to be able to recognise an idiot, I like my life so to let someone into this they’d have to be respectful – or they ain’t coming in. I’d never let my house go again now, move in with someone or move someone in either, I’d be happy to hop from one pad to the next. I cant go back to that agin, being homeless and stuck x

[Lavenderrose]

I too have always gone for these types. I’ve been desperate to feel loved and be loved but it’s never worked out. I’ve only had a couple of long term relationships and both haven’t been good at all, the latter being the worst! I’ve seen people in between but they’ve never wanted anything serious which left me constantly feeling worthless and what’s wrong with me. My last relationship I thought I’d broken the mold and gone for someone who really was my typical type but he turned out to be the worst yet and there’s no escaping as we have a child together.
I am fortunate in that I never had any problems growing up in the way I was treated but I just crave love. They say you need to love yourself before someone will love you but if you’ve been bullied and then had years of disappointment with relationships where you feel constantly rejected and not good enough how the hell do you heal??
I am happy to be out but I don’t want to be on my own and I feel like damaged goods. I just want happiness like everyone else seems to be capable of.
I’ve never heard of love addiction but I’d say like you I’ve probably rushed in due to how wonderful it feels and that is addictive for sure. How to stop the cycle though? Xx
Hope you’re ok 💗

[Popilol]

Hi sunshine,
Thank you for that, I will read up on it now. I can really relate to what you have written. I’m always attracted to the same type of guys too. Nice guys make great friends, but there’s no spark or excitement. 3 times in an abusive relationship. Iv never really had a normal one to be fair

[HopeLifeJoy]

This is an interesting topic SunshineRainFlower.

How about healing this inner wound by filling it with love coming from friendships instead of relationships?
This way you are safe and filling your heart with love coming from many different people instead of just from one person.
It’ll heal your childhood wound because you’ll feel loved and cherished. You’ll be at peace and content because your heart is already full with love therefore you will be at ease when you’ll meet the stable kind man. You’ll see him as a luxurious addition to your life but not a necessity because there isn’t any void anymore needing to be filled.
You’ll get repelled a mile away by those casanovas types who offer sex only. Keep those types for one-night stands. Then let them go free; they are not marriage/ relationship material.
What do you think of it? Friendships instead of relationships in order to break the pattern?
Sending you hugs 💕

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies. Fizzylem you might like a youtuber called ‘Nu Mindframe,’ I’ve just discovered her videos and have been finding them really helpful and she talks about love addiction and attachment styles. I know how you feel, I’ve not dated in a few years. I haven’t even really made any new friends, I just spend most of my life alone because I went no contact with my ex as well as a lot of friends and some family members, once I saw the patterns of emotional abuse that had been playing out. It’s a lot more peaceful this way and so good to be mostly free of gaslighting, but last weekend the love addict in me reappeared and I found myself thinking back wistfully about the early days of several past romances, including my abusive ex, and I’m embarrassed to admit I felt like I was ‘missing’ those early days, despite knowing he’s a psychopath and he treated me with utter contempt. Ugh. He really fooled me into thinking he was this good person.

I was able to move on from the crying about that song to having some helpful realisations. All of the men I got fixated on are basically ‘toads’ (and that’s being mean to toads since they are actually cute and nice animals) who were vain, arrogant, shallow, immature, selfish, cruel, n**********c, abusive, insensitive, unfaithful and boring. So I was just protecting my fantasy of some ideal man onto them because in reality they weren’t good men at all. The chemistry was there because it triggered my childhood trauma – they reminded me of my family and my subconscious was attracted to them due to trauma re-enactment to ‘heal the trauma’ which of course doesn’t work. Then eventually after they became too awful to ignore I had to face up to the fact that they were a toad, leave them then the cycle continued with the next toad.

Interestingly, it wasn’t about love at all, which makes sense because I always felt guilty knowing that I didn’t love them/wasn’t in love with them, I was more in lust with them, addicted and infatuated despite wanting it to be deeper than that. It was about trauma re-enactment. Kind of like my subconscious and inner child were working together to find men similar to my family members to replay the trauma to ‘finally get the love I didn’t get’ in childhood. I was effectively being hijacked because rational adult woman me knew these men were unsuitable logically. I even used to feel embarrassed introducing some of them to friends and family.

I knew there was something ‘different’ about the way I was meeting and falling for men compared to my friends who would start dating some nice guy they had known firstly as a friend after meeting at a mutual hobby. My romances were never sensible like that, I’d meet them on nights out usually, there would be instant chemistry, instant attraction, the relationship would move very fast, be very intense before we even knew each other and by month three I’d be miserable because by that time his true colours would be showing. I always wished I could be more ‘normal’ but normal healthy men I met during my education or hobbies never seemed interested in me so it always felt like it was either these charming badboy casanova n*********s or nobody.

I’m just not sure when/if the pattern goes, if awareness is enough or if more is needed. I have avoided dating in case, because I know how infatuated I get about men like this and it it’s I imagine like being high on a drug. It’s not good being hijacked like that.

Thank you HopeLifeJoy, I haven’t managed to make any new friendships since leaving my ex, it’s another area of my life I struggle with. I have had a lot of past friends treat me with contempt/boss me around/blame me for things/mock me so I am very wary about new people. I have also found people didn’t seem to want to be friends when I’ve tried in the past. I think my trauma is connected to and has affected all of my life relationships. I think being on my own healing seems to be working for the most part for now but it would be nice to make some good friends eventually, people who actually like me, respect me and treat me with kindness, consideration and respect.

[SunshineRainflower]

Also just to clarify for anyone interested in finding out more about this topic, the love addict and the love avoidant can be either male or female. The love avoidant typically grew up with an engulfing mother so fears feeling ‘suffocated’ in a relationship but likes to feel needed. The love addict typically grew up with a cold, critical, emotionally unavailable mother (or father) so was emotionally abandoned as a child. This person craves being ‘rescued’ by someone who will love them since their inner child is still wounded by the love they didn’t get in childhood.

These two people are often unfortunately attracted since initially they seem to provide the solution that the other one seeks. It tends to create intense chemistry then a toxic, unhealthy bond due to both people having unhealed attachment trauma and it plays out in a push-pull dynamic often with abuse involved.

The best bet for both people from what I understand from my reading so far seems to be to work on your own trauma with a therapist, self care, reading etc so it doesn’t keep hijacking you in every relationship and so you are dealing with your attachment trauma head on, and also to seek out people who do not have attachment trauma, ie. they are securely attached and grew up in a loving household so that you are not in a relationship with someone who can badly trigger you and vice versa.

[Escapee]

Sunshinerainflower

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I could give you such a big hug right now!

Talk about a Eureka moment! That all makes so much sense to me.

X*x

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m so glad it helped someone else Escapee! That is really good to hear, thanks for sharing.

I too had that eureka moment. I found out about sex and love addiction a few years ago and knew I could relate to aspects of it but the love addiction never made much sense to me until I realised it wasn’t really ‘love’ addiction, it’s more lust addiction/infatuation addiction and using romance, sex and chemistry as a fantasy escape for the pain, sadness and loneliness within.

Nu Mind frame’s video on love addiction helped it all click for me alongside Rita Ora’s song and music video called ‘Your song.’ I think that video shows love addiction so clearly. She meets a man, has sex with him v early on, is high and infatuated, can’t concentrate at work, acts inappropriately at work, leaves early then drives dangerously to meet her new lover again. It’s so symbolic of the chaos and destruction love addiction causes and how it’s based on fantasy rather than an actual true, stable, loving bond.

I relate so much to the girl at the Riverside at dawn with her new man. It’s so painful but also I feel like I’ve turned a corner in understanding it.

There is a 12 step group for sex and love addiction called SLAA which helps some people. I I didn’t find it helped me partly because it felt too shaming (Detail edited by moderator) but it def helps some people. They have online Skype meetings as well as in person meetings in cities.

 

 

 

[Escapee]

I’ve been doing some research on it this afternoon and I’ve decided, whilst simplistic on the surface, it is way too complicated for my poor brain to cope with at the moment. I’ll have a chat with my therapist about it and see if she thinks it’ll help or hinder.

Thank you so much though for bringing this topic to light. X*x

[fizzylem]

Ahh, yes I would be the love addict then, thats my mother to a t, he was the avoidant, was scared of intimacy, did everything he could to avoid it; coverting the truth, the lies, because of a heightened fear of intimacy yes, me, I was in love with the idea of being loved and yes craved this, felt like I was normal, loved and in love in a couple with the man for me when together – this was probably one part that kept me in it. As I didnt know what being in love was I projected we’re in love onto him when he was not; he never really engaged, connected, as that’s just who he is, emotionally stunted and devoid, psyhcopathic tendancies. It’s interesting isnt it. I can see how I always wanted rescuing, a knight, someone to take care of me, only I became the rescuer, can remember getting peed off alot with being the only one doing the care giving, think I probably thought if I deposit enough care it will come back to me lol, on a sub concious level – only it never did, he was happy to take and never give back, didnt enter his head this is what you do, step in and step back again, was just me stepping in. He never lightened my load he only ever added to it. I ended it in the end because I finally realised I was getting nothing from the relationship except abuse.

I’m more fearful of intimacy today after the abuse. I think I have healed in the way you describe, meaning I no longer want rescuing nor do I crave this romantic love, I’m content on my own and dont need anyones approval these days, I often go against the flow and that’s fine, I know I wouldnt win a popularity contest and I’m happy with that because I’m living my life how I want now – not for others anymore – I will always say no if I need or want to where as before I would always say yes ok. I like my independence and knowing where I am, knowing that I can and will look after me, that I dont need anyone else to do this.

I’ve not met anyone even remotely interesting since though, but then I’ve had blinkers on. For me it’s about appreciating life now and if I did meet someone, which is unlikely at my age now, but if I did I wouldn’t rush in – can see so clearly how I did before and have def learnt the hard way for sure – I know I wont ever do that again now x

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