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    • #72284
      Doris
      Participant

      I am in the ‘love-bombing’ period. And it’s bloomin’ text book. I only recognise this persona because of you ladies out there and I am contemptuous of his behaviour but very scared. I jump when he walks into the room because the honeymoon will not work this time and I have no idea how he will react when he figures this out ie. I don’t respond to the romantic valentine texts or the ‘why don’t we plan a holiday together’ questions. In past cycles I would have just been relieved that he was being nice and get drawn back in until next time. I just keep wondering why he does it. Why does he want to manipulate, control and hurt me? I have told him we need to separate and he agreed because ‘you are bad for me’. Now its the ‘love-bomb’ almost like we never talked about separating. Saying one thing and doing another … totally confusing. I keep returning to … why? I need advice, ladies, how do I deal with the ‘love-bombing’? No contact is not an option at this stage. X

    • #72292
      diymum@1
      Participant

      have you read why does he do that by lundy bancroft? hes hooking/hoovering you back in to maintain control over you. if there was no hope at all left to salvage the relationship he knows youd be off. So he gives you a small ounce of hope, he uses conditioning so he issues rewards and punishment, its natural to react to this. you end up craving their love because the reward feels better than the punishment. i certainly felt like that and just didnt understand in my own head why. i would be thinking why do i want someone who is scaring me to half to death? it is a head wreck but according to the experts the above is the reason why they use love bombing x*x diy

    • #72293
      diymum@1
      Participant

      he wants to control and hurt you because he feels that he owns you, hes justified and entitled to do this to you(he wrongly thinks this) its horrible but they enjoy putting you down so that they can feel bigger. these men have a low sense of self so in destroying your sense of self they gain power. If they dont posess this power they feel like nothing. if you rebel against them to maintain the power they up the anti. its crazy behaviour but the tactics they use are many and they stoop to all levels xx

    • #72296
      Doris
      Participant

      Thanks diymum, I really appreciate contact with people who ‘get’ what I am talking about. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to maintain power and control. Let’s face it, we’d all be happier and more secure in our relationships without this insidious head-wrecking and consequently more likely to stay rather than look for a way out. It’s crazy logic to think that a relationship is more secure if it’s based on emotional torture. But there again, he does not think he is behaving badly at all. And there will be the inevitable outrage and upset when he criticises me for not responding to the love-bombing – I usually do eventually for the peaceful life. He’ll say he is trying but we know he’s not really as there is no apology for his past behaviour or responsibility. Of course if he knew I came onto this website he would blame WA for filling my head with ‘anti-man talk’. I get what you mean when you say they emotionally harm us to ‘feel bigger’ – it’s almost a case of the smaller we are, the bigger they look. Watch this space for the firework display. X

    • #72299
      diymum@1
      Participant

      exactly and when you can pre-empt it (even if you cant leave right now) you can say to yourself this isnt me this is him, his issues. ive been reading alot so i dont want to sound like a psychbabble bore but…. lol if you look at this abit like the matrix you are both in parallel universes. In that you think rationally and he dosent. so your not going to come together and make decisions together, smooth over your problems and move on. like you would do in a non abusive relationship. it was when i realised pressing on was futile i completely gave up on the relationship, i even self sabotaged it i got really fat! he always said he would leave if i gained weight and he did 🙂 i know its not easy doris- with finances and circumstances xx its a massive step seeing this for what it is it actaully took me 2 decades!

      luv diy xx

    • #72303
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Anyone who says “Who gave you that idea?” is implying that your head is empty of ideas of your own. And that is what they think and why they believe they can fill our ’empty’ heads with their nonsense.

      If he does get annoyed at why you’re failing to respond and asks why, you can simply say you’ve recognised a pattern in his behaviour and it has made you think about how your own response feeds into that pattern. What is the point of going round in circles endlessly – unless you’re ballroom dancers, of course. They expect to end up right back where they started, dizzy and exhausted, but that’s not what you signed up for, is it?!

      Stay safe and say nothing if it might provoke him, though, darling. You can always think it!

      Flower x

    • #72306
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It is weird really. As I’ve said on here before, if my ex had been nice to me, I would pretty much given him as much of my company, sex, money etc as he wanted, so being abusive got him the exact opposite of that.

    • #72321
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      That’s it right there @Landy. We’d have done anything for them, but they have to be the big I am.
      Doris, my oh too would say my head was being filled with nonsense as if I can’t think for myself or see him for what he is, without being “brainwashed” by this forum.
      You’re doing so well Doris, you’re gaining knowledge, you see him for what he is and that’s the hardest thing to accept. Whatever happens, however long it takes, we’ll all get through this.
      Love to all
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #72368
      diymum@1
      Participant

      They will blame everyone else and never take any responsibility for their actions. they also feel nothing with regards to the pain they cause to us or even their own kids. That because its all about them, their needs, you have to play along with their game and if you dont theres a consequence. thats why the only way with these men is to hold them responsible legally. Why should we be treated like this just because of our sex? im so glad i wasnt born a man though lol 🙂 love diy xx

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