Low point

[Anonymous]

After my unsuccessful leave attempt today (I rang my dad crying and asked if he could get me from the station) my dad has told me: I am stressing him out, I cannot treat him like this, stop behaving stupid, picking a stranger who abuses me over my own dad, if I don’t come home soon he will come and “save me”. It has made me question whether I am just being stupid? Is it even as bad as I am making out or am I being dramatic? But then he said he will come and “save me”? I feel unbelievably guilty that I can’t just shake this all off. OH is being overly nice and affectionate I can’t make sense of anything. I wish I could just cease to exist it’s all too much.

[Hetty]

You’re not being dramatic. It sounds like your dad is trying to be supportive and is worried about you but also doesn’t understand the complexities of living in and leaving an abusive relationship. My mother is from an older generation at times she’d tell me just to stay and ignore my ex, in other words put up and shut up. Perhaps if you sought advice from your local domestic abuse service they can help you think things through. It’s an incredibly exhausting and distressing place to be when you’re questioning what’s real and what’s not. In time you will trust your judgment but right now this is too hard because of the abuse. We have been programmed this way through the abuse. You know things aren’t right deep down otherwise you wouldn’t be on here.
I know it feels difficult to cope but you can do this. You could also reach out for mental health support. There’s no shame. There are people who can help.
Keep posting. You’re not alone xx

[Hetty]

Also be kind to yourself. What you did making steps to leave is very brave and you’ll probably still be running on adrenaline – the fight, flight, freeze response. When I left my ex I was running on adrenaline for days and could barely thing straight. Make some small goals today to ground you – even things like take a shower, go for a walk if you can, eat something. Stay safe. If your partner knows you were going to leave he might escalate so please be careful xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much this is very helpful. I have slept most of the day since I got back as it completely took it out of me. OH just told me he read my journal (I left it in (detail removed by Moderator) and forgot to hide it again after coming back). I didn’t even know what to say I’m angry and embarrassed he knows what I’ve been writing and logging down. I feel like things are just pushing me to go and I’m resisting as much as I can. I will try and speak to my dad again tomorrow and reach out for help. Thank you again x*x

[KIP.]

Hi Btf, I just wanted to warn you that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a woman, especially now he’s read your journal. Please talk to the police. They have a domestic abuse unit. You can ask then using Claire’s Law if he has any previous convictions. There’s also the national domestic abuse helpline and your local women’s aid. Keep your mobile on you at all times, fully charged. Try to plan a panic room, somewhere you can block the door or escape through a window. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It takes in average 7 times of leaving before a victim escapes for good. Google trauma bonding. It’s a scary thing to do. You’ve been programmed to feel fear, obligation and guilt. The FOG of abuse. The abuse creeps up on us and almost begins to feel normal. There is a scheme running for free train travel for victims fleeing domestic abuse if you’re ever stuck and have no money. Your dad cares about you whereas your partner simply wants to hurt and control you. Keep your journal by sending emails to a secret email address. Photos of any injuries too. Abuse thrives on secrecy so reach out x talk to people. Shine a light on it. Stay safe x

[Hetty]

Please be careful. Something similar happened to me several years ago. My ex got sight of texts. I had to appease him by saying I was having a breakdown with stress from work and that my mind was running away with its self. He calmed down after a period of sulking.
Trying to leave is dangerous and he may escalate. Kip’s offered some great advice above xx

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