Made (detail removed by moderator).. now feel awful.

[Escapee123]

I finally took the plunge and (detail removed by moderator) asked lots of really personal questions about the abuse, including the sexual side of things and my IDVA pushed me to be honest and put everything in there and lay it all on the table to protect myself in the future.

I just have had this knot in my stomach ever since.. I have spent so many years worrying about his reaction to every decision or action I take. Knowing he is going to see what I wrote about the abuse is making me feel quite sick actually, especially the sexual stuff; he always spoke about that as if he had done me a great service but it made me feel sick, I did say that to him once but went back on it as I felt guilty.

I told him he was abusive quite a few times in the past few years and he always turned it back on me, telling me I was being dramatic and acting as if it were the most obsurd thing he had ever heard, he would then switch it and tell me I was being abusive and controlling him and that I was a n********t. He used to tell me I was controlling him because I didn’t want him spending my wages on stuff without my consent as he didn’t work.. that I was controlling him for (detail removed by moderator) (I did it because of kids) and turns out each time he accused me of that he was recording it secretly.

So I am really worried about (detail removed by moderator). It’s my word against his after all isn’t it? Maybe I’ll (detail removed by moderator) and I won’t see my kids as much and God knows what things he is going to say in response to seeing what I wrote about the abuse 🙁

I am also feeling intensely guilty for speaking out, like the thought of upsetting him makes me anxious. Like I have done something wrong or naughty.

Can’t wait until it’s all over and done with.

[longjourneylife]

Totally relate. Been in the same position as you and understand how difficult it is. It truly is a process and I promise you, that as you go through it, you will become more sure of why you’ve finally told your story. The guilt will lessen, it took me a few months and now I’m more than positive I did the right thing, and I can talk about it far more clearly. I know I’m not a bad person, and I know I’ve done the right thing, it doesn’t feel good, but it is right. And having children in a way has made it easier, because through protecting them, it’s saved me too! Well done for being open and honest, your actions confirm your words. Be proud of yourself because it’s a huge thing to go through and not easy at all. Hugs x

[Escapee123]

Thank you so much. I realise the moderator had to limit what I could say there for my own protection but I think you know what it’s about.

I am having a rough week of it really, I swear my whole face it twitching from stress.

The kids are parroting his behaviour even more this week and my smallest is even hitting and kicking me, thinking time and naughty steps seem to have no effect.. they have learnt by watching him that I don’t deserve respect 🙁

He is also telling me I have to share my free 30 hours childcare with him while at the same time refusing to pay his half of huge debts he accrued in my name on credit cards. The fun just never ends with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Your speaking the truth it’s what he did it’s facts, they’ve got this way of twisting everything and making us feel bad for being hurt and angry by their unnecessary and unjustified behaviour, be proud of yourself for making a stand and outing these people, while it’s hidden it’s allowed to carry on, I’m gonna say well done for it 🥳🎉👍🏻

[Author]

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