Major set back

[Janedoeissad]

I had planned my escape date to avoid a date where he finds out some important news.

Just found out he now gets the information on the date I was planning. I feel devastated. If it’s bad news I’m too f***ing nice to kick him whilst he’s down.

He’s threatened to beat me and not give it a second thought but I can’t bring myself to leave if it’s bad news.

Also, his trip has been halved in length so it just feels all wrong.

I’m devastated. I’m such a wuss. 😞😞😪😥

I’m going to go back to women’s aid. I need a plan b.

[KIP.]

There will never be a right time to do it. It took a bad assault for me to finally break free. Mostly because of his bail conditions. I just didn’t recognise the danger I was in. Don’t make the same mistake as me. He is not your responsibility. Speak to women’s aid. It’s the fragile abused state that you’re in preventing you from thinking straight. He’s told you he will beat you. Believe him x

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks KIP. I think I just need time to process the setback. I need to put me first again. He’s being nice (sort of!) at the minute so I think that’s clouding my judgement.

Also it might be good news. So all is not lost yet.

I’ve just planned so much and started moving on in my mind that this really threw me. I’m feeling so anxious right now.

I just want to be proud of me for leaving and I’m currently so frustrated that I can’t be brave enough to kick him to the curb. I need to find those big girl pants and put them on!

[Tiffany]

Remember it really is ok to put yourself first. Make sure whichever date you choose is as safe as it can be. Make sure you have an emergency plan for what to do if he turns violent and you have to escape suddenly. I am concerned that if it is bad news that he gets he might act very unpredictably. If you can leave before he gets the news, or at least before the first time he sees you after he gets the news that might be best. Especially as he may pick up vibes that you are thinking of leaving. It’s b****y hard though. I suspect all of us here knew we should leave long before we did, and psyched ourselves up for it many times before we actually left. We’ve been manipulated until we don’t know which way is up. You are doing great and whether you leave this time or not we are here to support you.

[SunshineRainflower]

Could you bring the date forward? It sounds like you might get trapped in either celebrations or consolations if you are there when he gets the news whether it is good or bad?

I think I ensured my safety by sort of unintentionally tricking my abuser into letting me go, he had no idea it would be the last time he’d see me. I kept getting this bad feeling in my stomach that I was scared to go round to his house, but at the time was 100% in the fog and had no idea he was actually dangerous so it made no sense. Then the last time it happened he started to get really hostile and aggressive and scary and suddenly it all made sense. I heard this inner inuitive voice that told me ‘go, go now’ calmly. He’d got aggressive, hostile, threatening and scary after I’d asked him a very innocent question that clearly he didn’t like and I was starting to see him for who he was and realised that I needed to end things, but I think subconsciously I knew that if I ended it there and then he could get dangerous, so I sort of calmly suggested we take a few days out and catch up during the week. It was like I was being guided by a guardian angel or something. He accepted and then I ended it in a non face to face way, he was no happy about that at all because I’d managed to slip from his grasp without him realising. He tried to contact me for months and months after that all being very ‘nice’ and ‘caring’ but it’s all fake, I knew by then, and knew that no matter how nice someone is, if they are also willing to be abusive to you, the niceness counts for nothing and is in fact just part of the abuse cycle.

I know how you feel as I still struggle at times thinking ‘gosh was he really an abuser, how crazy and strange, I can’t believe it.’ I think the brain finds it hard to accept as it’s very upsetting, but it doesn’t make it not true.

Keep posting and we will help you with your plans and definitely don’t let any guilt keep you trapped, it is one of their favourite tools as it is very effective.

[Dragonfly]

I think he already knows you’re planning to leave. Just by what you’ve said, things have already changed and this has already had a impact on your plans to leave. He’s threatened to beat you and halved the length of his trip. I think you should call WA for advice on how to get out sooner.

[Confused123]

hey hun

the mind game have already began , threating to beat u up, showing u love, all to confuses u, carry on with your plans but act as if u r staying with him , mine sensed too i was leaving and began working from home , i continued tohide clothes pre pack , had my documents ready , not sure if u have found a place to go to, i still took the keys to my place, something will just happen and u find u just leave instantly, i ended up leaving two weeks b4 i planned, sticvk to your plan, and play him at his own game, if his being kind, let him be kind, enjoy the peace knowing that u r going to leave anyway, how did he find out the date u r going and that u r leaving, im just thinking if their are ways we can tell u to protect your movements

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all for your very kind messages.

I’ve calmed a bit since yesterday.

Dragonfly, this is a trip he does a couple of times a year and every time he changes how long he is going for. So I should’ve really planned for that eventuality. He really is oblivious to my plan. I have put in an oscar worthy performance of normality. I’ve not got anything together or started sorting anything as I know he would notice that.

He is at the house CONSTANTLY so these days he is away are the only days I can do this without having to tell him. There are small batches of time he isn’t there but they are not long enough to move the essential items I need to and I never know when they are and normally I don’t ask. So if I start asking where he is going to be and when. He’s going to figure it out.

I need to be clever and think outside the box on this one. I’m now back to being confident I’m leaving.

I need to get myself calm. When my head is clear I can conjure up a new plan.

Also this news is only really bad in his eyes. I know that regardless of what news he gets he’ll be fine but HE doesn’t see it that way. But that’s not my problem, is it?

[Ayanna]

Exactly, it is not your problem.
I am glad you caught yourself again. Your situation is difficult and unsettling.
Hang in there and wait for the right time.
Can you scale down on the things you need?
Can you group them together under the reasoning of cleaning and rearranging the place?

[Tiffany]

Go you Jane! What he thinks about his life is not your problem. Hopefully soon nothing he thinks will impact your life at all!

Also it is amazing how quickly you can get everything out if you have help. I had two suitcases worth of stuff out before I broke up with him. But I had a one day window when he was away a week or so later and me and my parents cleared everything of mine out in that one day. I think I missed maybe three or four things. And that was the accumulation of years living together. You can do this. Xx

[Author]

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