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    • #169372
      LavenderLilly
      Participant

      It’s my first time posting on this forum and I would love some advice or guidance.

      After knowing deep down for years that my marriage was not normal I am finally ready to admit that I am in an abusive relationship.

      My husband is like two different people-one of them is kind, loving and would do anything for me and our children. The other one is cruel, mean and nasty.

      He has never been physically abusive – it is all name calling, mocking, emotional manipulation, threats of violence and distain.

      I have tried to leave twice – I have told him that the name calling is not acceptable. The name calling has eased off and I can see him actually go to call me a name then stop.

      He still calls me (detail removed by Moderator) among other things.

      The abuse was at its worst when I had my first child and I’m only now writing down all the awful things he said to me.

      He has threatened to urinate on my clothes. To pick up our sons pram and smash me across the face and to pick me up and throw me against a wall. I still reel from the terrible things he’s said.
      He said these things years ago but I still cannot believe I’m married to a man that would say those things to me.

      I am finally making a plan to leave.

      We have a housing association house in both of our names.

      My two options are either – rent a house privately and move the kids in. I would escape quickly this way but money wise I cannot really afford private rent. I cannot lose my council house, I had my council tenancy long before I met my husband.
      But my name will be on the housing association lease so I will be liable to pay the rent there if I’m living temporarily elsewhere?

      Or try and get my husband out. I have no idea how to get his name off the lease. Ideally I don’t want drama – I want a quiet divorce.

      What is not an option is for us to remain in the same house while going through a divorce. Sometimes I’m scared of what he’s actually capable of.

      I am filing for divorce, seeking advice from a solicitor and speaking to WA. Any advice would be appreciated.

      My husband is acting extremely nice at the moment after an episode of nastiness (detail removed by Moderator). He’s laying it on thick, buying gifts, doing things with the children he would never normally do and treating me like a princess. I spoke to him (detail removed by Moderator) about the way he speaks to me and he said he does explode in the moment but is fine a few minutes later. He said he’s always getting into trouble for saying stupid stuff, he said he barely remembers what he says in a moment of temper 😢

    • #169373
      Blossom24
      Participant

      Hi
      I can’t offer any advice but I’m in exactly the same position.
      My husband has been violent once about (detail removed by Moderator)yrs ago, but is very controlling and emotionally abusive with shouting, name calling, blame etc. I feel suffocated and can’t imagine this being the rest of my life.
      I’m contacting the local council today for advice and I have a number for a law centre for some advice also.
      Sorry can’t help, but you’re not alone x*x

    • #169390
      Better-days
      Participant

      I am in the exact same position too girls been on this forum for 3 years. We have a joined owned house he won’t go I have had different advice from solicitors and seems my best option is to get a house from housing and move with kids then try to get him to buy me out. I too sit and think how on earth did I allow myself to get here 2 beautiful kids and he ruines any fun we try to have. X

    • #169447
      Lionking
      Participant

      Ah very similar situation here. Except some physical aggression too – never any punching or kicking or anything that would leave a mark but plenty that would be classed as assault.

      I’ve told him I want to separate and honestly it’s been hell. I even told him I’d give him another shot just to stop the harassment but I only lasted (detail removed by Moderator) weeks before he berated me for not being physically affectionate enough and I told him

      I’m getting in touch with my local outreach programme and a solicitor but I fear we will be in the same house for months.

      We have (detail removed by Moderator) amazing kids and like others I’m sickened this is my story.

      I wish I could leave tomorrow.

    • #169448
      Lionking
      Participant

      Thank you also for saying that your husband is 2 different people because so is mine and sometimes it’s hard to remember that ANY abuse shouldn’t be tolerated.

      My husband can be so nice. To me, to the kids etc. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the man and the monster.

    • #169625
      Lightning-Jet
      Participant

      This sounds so similar to my situation; its like Jekyll and Hyde. I have the same as you, its never physical, its all about the scars you can’t see. Constant name calling – but its me who takes it the wrong way apparently – nothing is ever his fault.

      I find writing things down a good thing; as I know that I have normalised his behaviour to a point as a way to cope, but when you read back what has been going on it makes you realise just how much you are having to deal with and that it is unacceptable.

      For the HA; you will be responsible for the rent (both of you will be) but it might be worth contacting the HA confidentially to see where you stand. There are usually policies in place for DA victims.

      The nice period is all a part of the cycle; it will be short lived. I have gone round and round in circles many times and I am sad to say I am still trying to battle my way out.

      Wishing you all the best xx

    • #169826
      LavenderLilly
      Participant

      Hi ladies, thank you all for your kind replies. I’m so sorry to hear that you are all in similar situations. I hope we all find the strength to leave and finally be free. My husband has been acting like everything is normal, I basically told him that it was over but he’s acting like our conversation never happened. He’s acting like a model husband and father. Buying us gifts, doing things with the children that he would never normally do, he can’t do enough for me either. I’ve been here before and he can’t keep this up forever. I’m hoping to talk to a solicitor soon about my opinions and I’ll go back to women’s aid for more advice.

      I think the only option now is to declare myself “homeless” with my housing association, let my husband keep our house then be rehoused with the housing association.

      This is a risk though as I have no idea where they would put me and the kids/what kind of area etc. My oldest is also in comprehensive school and can’t move schools, I can’t drive so he would have to be able to make his own way there in the morning.

      I can definitely relate to the berating for lack of physical affection. He does berate me for not being demonstrative or physically affectionate but I honestly after years of name calling and horrible behaviour I cannot bear for him to touch me.

    • #169830
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Hands up to the complaints about lack of physical affection too. Apparently, without me knowing, I rejected him for years, meaning he doesn’t have the confidence to intitiate anything and it’s down to me. I’ve said to my husband, rightly or wrongly, how do you think I feel when you call me this that and the other and then complain that we don’t “make love”? Or that you haven’t had a ** in years. What do you expect?! Yeah you called me a b!tch, a moron, stupid, pathetic, rotten, evil… but come here sweetheart and let’s get intimate. I even got told other people have make-up sex and why don’t we. Probs because other people argue about stupid stuff like whose turn it is to walk the dog, not that their wife is (detail removed by moderator).

       

       

    • #169847
      LavenderLilly
      Participant

      God, are we married to the same man?! Mine is exactly the same. Calls me a bunny boiler, n********t, evil, rotten, r****d, vile, then expects physical affection, expects me to say that I love him, put kisses at the end of texts and to be intimate. I cannot bear to be near him. He forgets all the stuff he says to me then corners me asking if I love him. I’ve stopped saying “I love you” and told him that I’m not comfortable saying that anymore. He says that he knows that I do 🙄

      • #169858
        Sad and alone
        Participant

        It’s funny when you see things and really recognise them in your own relationship , even down to the words used. In a weird way it’s comforting (wrong word but can’t think of the right one!) to know you’re not alone. It reaffirms that it’s not you, because you know someone else is going through the same thing and experiencing the same situations.

    • #169860
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      I feel like I’ve just read my own story here.  Thankyou all for being here, sharing. I hope we can all move forward with our lives💞

    • #169881
      Bluebirds
      Participant

      Wow ladies…we all must be married to the same Man. The physical intimacy and sex is definitely a problem. He always says you never touch me or iniate anything. Hes lodt his confidence etc etc..We could be lying in bed and there would be so much tension I’d feel sick. After being called a s**t, s**g, rat etc etc… he wonders why I don’t want sex with him. I have to Force myself sometimes just so he can get out of his bad mood. my toes would curl or my teeth chatter. It’s been like this for so long. Thankyou for sharing your stories it’s crazy how alike my relationship is to things I’m reading on here. Stay safe all x

    • #169884
      minimeerkat
      Participant

      to all you amazing women responding on this post about your difficulties with physical affection – not wanting intimacy is such a common response to being abused.  you just dont feel ‘safe’ enough to be vulnerable in this way with your partners

      some of you are being called names & then made to feel guilty for not feeling attracted to your partners!  no wonder you feel this way as you probably find it difficult to trust them as you dont feel respected, safe, secure & loved x

    • #169934
      selfish
      Participant

      Hi lavenderLilly and all the other ladies that have replied.
      I just wanted to say, I was in exactly this situation last year. My husband abused me for so long and so relentlessly I felt the world would have been better off without me. If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here. I found so much strength from conversations on here, that I just wanted to reach out. The housing situation was also my biggest concern, but I managed to get a lovely little house by declaring myself and children homeless. Can I suggest that you contact your local authority and explain the situation and see what their guidelines are. Once you know what’s happening with housing you can start making plans. Woman’s aid will be able to help you with safety planning. I put on an act for a couple of months until I left to stay safe. Keeping yourself and any children safe is the most important part of making a plan to leave. I think the biggest thing for me after leaving is coming home and being able to have that safe feeling. I always used to dread going back to my old house. I never knew which version of my ex I was going to come back to. I don’t have that now. What I also realised is he isn’t special. He is a textbook abuser. He is just the same as all the other abusers. His behaviour patterns, his control and manipulation, all of it was just predictable. I put him on a pedestal and I wanted to be better to make him happy, but he always wanted more. I was never enough. I just want all you ladies to know, YOU ARE ENOUGH. The types of men that bully and belittle others are not special and they will not change. I have a long journey ahead of me and getting away is hard, so please utilise all the support available, whether you decide to stay or go.
      Take care and be safe. Xxxxx

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