- This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by
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Hi Ladies
I just need your support again to make me strong, ex is calling me again on weekly basis now, or fortnightly, this has started since mid (detail removed by Moderator), it started of just asking how kids are and asking to be friends, then slowly to apologising and wants to be friends, which for some reason i just couldnt answer, but have decided now we cant be friends ever, just need to tell him. I can sense change in tone as we discuss financial proceedings, he has call today to ask me to remove the restriciton of the properties so he can sell and clear (detail removed by Moderator) debt. Initially i think no, what do u ladies think , i must get strong and tell him we cant speak no more, he wont like it but i know is for best…
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Dear Confused, I think that you should do what you feel in your heart is right for you. I recently contacted my ex, this was despite the rules of No Contact & all of the advice from here. But in doing so, it has given me some closure which I have desperately needed. I feel so much better. He is an (detail removed by Moderator) and have proved this by ignoring me, but to care less is like a dream come true. I think its really really important to be clear, honest and direct with people. If your sure this is what you want then just tell him straight. If he gets nasty etc, that’s a different thing to deal with and you can get help with that from here. Any legal stuff to do with properties, i think you should do nothing before getting proper legal advice. When I split with my ex i always said I would pay attention to action over words from now on. My ex acted like a (detail removed by Moderator) but he spoke the words of a god. He gaslighted and confused me to hell, all the while telling me I was his soul mate and love of his life. It was only when he was very clearly straight with me telling me we were over, that I got it. His actions since have backed this up. Clear communication is key. Best of luck X*X
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Hi Confused,
Be aware that he might be being ‘nice’ and be pleading friendship just to get you to be amenable to his demands.
The minute you say no to anything, he might turn abusive. They try to keep you sweet to make you do what they want.
I think you need to ask for some advise before removing the restriction of the properties. If he is anything like my ex, he will be doing things for his own advantage, but there might be certain risks to you financially which you might not be aware of. These abusers do their homework.
I know that his contacting you causes you great distress- not least because he regularly becomes abusive again.
It would be best to tell him all financial matters need to go through a solicitor, so you don’t get pulled in or manipulated again. A solicitor might be aware of some tricks you are not aware of.
HA: I agree with you that we each have our point when we ‘just know’ in our heart that it’s time to go no contact:
My ex was a mixture of sweet telling me and being cruel right up until the end, confusing me. When he left, it was very unexpected. A lot of people told me to block him, but I didn’t think I could because of the children, but also as he was clever and covert a user much of the time, I was in need of knowing for certain ‘why’ he was behaving like he was and ‘who’ this man really was, since he had disguised much of his evil. The texts hurt me, but they were also my evidence for who he really was. I kept reading them as I needed evidence for who this man was. Once I had realised that this an was as bad as he was ( a lot of hiss use came to light after he had left), I could put the relationship to bed.
I think this has a lot with us getting to the point when we accept their true abusiveness- since they can be so charming, plus landing is is their repeated refrain.
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Hi confused 123 I’ve had all the begging friends and being civil. But I just couldn’t manage it as I mostly knew what he were up to. Basically he wanted single beer life with married mans perks. Needs met meals. Someone to bully oh and sex if id been daft. And because house were on the market thought he were getting a cut. Like hell. As soon as u tell them no and it’s not what they want to hear. It’s back to Mr. Nasty. I personally don’t think u can do friends with these guys. X
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I feel so much happier and like i’ve almost got my life back now. It was all because he ignored my kind, innocent and friendly message. This reminded me of his attitude (rude discard). It struck me today that before I met him and now I was a positive, outgoing, confident and independent person. I was fun and enjoyed life. During our relationship I was fearful, highly anxious, insecure and needy. I did not know why but thought it was some flaw in me. We’ve split now and I’m getting myself back. I realized today that my behavior when I was with him was not me but me reacting to what was going on. I was an insecure mental wreck, not any more.
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So spot on, Betterdays: the single man’s life with married perks ( cooking, laundry, sex).
Stuff that. We are entitled to cram as much adventure and fun into our lives as they are!
And sorry, my idea of a partner is someone who sees me as equal to himself and doesn’t neglect or control me.
Sad abusers. They didn’t reckon on our strength, Betterdays 😊
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Hi Ladies
Thank you for confirming what i just needed to hear,i did actually after putting this post on text him saying better if all communcation done via solciitors and not to phone me , he replied back ok. I know as much as we feel guilt , gosh knows why, i do feel bad cause i cant tell him how kids are now, but suppose its all for best. lets see how he trult reacts within a week
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Confused, once you have some decent mutual No Contact you might be able to talk again where you can discuss what you need about the children without too many damaging effects. It only struck me today that the last contact I heard from my ex he was being normal and courteous, we were discussing a pre booked arrangement and I needed to have information from him about it. At the point we had already broken up. I remarked at the time to the counselor i was seeing that he was normal and courteous, this was the exact opposite of what he was normally like, devious, controlling, manipulative and angry. It only struck me today that during that last message from him, that may have been a deliberate tactic to cloud my thoughts and gas light me, we had split but he wanted me to think he was nice. These men are devious and manipulative, even when they have a smile on their face. I may sound cynical, but that is my experience.
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