Making new friends, but am I being too cautious?

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

Finally, a number of years after leaving the marital home, I am taking steps to make new friends.

I have absolutely no interest in romantic relationships. Even though my husband is a very unpleasant individual, I am quite old-fashioned and don’t want to begin anything, let alone look for anyone, until our divorce is finalised, which I hope will be soon.

As I was subject to crazy-making and gaslighting by my husband and his offspring (from a previous relationship), I seem to have forgotten how to make friends. Every new person I think might be interesting and sincere I ‘scan’ for tell-tale signs of sociopathic behaviour. I am trying to trust my intuition, but I think my intuition might be scrambled and confused, too.

I have made news friends with a female work colleague who is from a similar cultural, academic and religious background to me. That seems to be going well, we meet for meals outside work and have fun. I am not worried because she is female and we share loads in common. We can chat as women do, have profound conversation and engage in banter.

I have asked a male friend/ colleague and his wife to join me for a meal soon. They seem delighted to take up the offer, but then I’m thinking to myself: ‘What if I am really boring and they end up horrified, at the end of the night?’ I don’t really have social confidence in myself anymore. I’m willing to give this a go as they seem forgiving people and even if I screw up they will probably act very graciously.

Lastly, I have gelled super-super-well with a chap with whom I do pro bono work. Like the other new friends he seems to just ‘get’ me and likewise, and he understands and shares my values. We’ve known each other purely in an official capacity for a few years and have only recently had time to talk to each other on a one to one basis. We’ve really hit it off, pretty much in the way that I have done so with my very closest friends- finishing each other’s sentences and knowing what is on the other’s mind. With the other friends it’s pretty clear what my intuition was and is saying. But with this person, my intuitions says, ‘Hell, yeah!’; but a while ago I asked a mutual acquaintance if she knew him and she giggled and replied ‘Him? Sure- mischievous and such as gossip!’It’s clear that she wasn’t being overly critical and finds him funny and pleasant, but I don’t do small talk and especially not gossip. In fact, I hate gossip.

Said chap has a number of responsible civic roles, so if he were that much of a chatterbox and a loose cannon, he would have been ejected from them by now. But because of the roles, I am just wondering if he is hiding something. My soon-to-be-ex was outwardly charitable and donated money to various good causes, but was a real runt in private. So, I am now thinking: ‘Will this guy just rope me in and will I be at square one, back in hell?’ But then, my husband just went through the motions and this guy actually does good work that requires real effort. Also, this chap is flamboyant and dapper, a bit of a man about town and the life and soul of the party. (Not my type at all).But he has been open with me about his doubts and insecurities e.g. finding it difficult to communicate with people from other backgrounds, because he feels embarrassed and unsure of what to say, having not had much contact with other cultures and socio-economic groups in his upbringing or day-to-day life. My husband was happy to donate to charities and acted like Mr Modesty and Mr Global Togetherness, but he actually despised the beneficiaries of the charities calling them dirty and walking away from them in the street, etc. Maybe this chap is extrovert and boisterous, but actually a good egg.

As I mentioned, I’m only after platonic friendships at the moment. This chap is not my new romance, nor will he ever be. I want to jump off the bus, now, if he is Mr Evil; but I don’t want to quit getting to know him just in case he turns out to be a real gem and one of my soul-friends. Really, I am not sure why he matters so much, but he just does.

Any perspectives are welcomed gratefully.

Have a lovely day.

Kindest wishes,

Lilycat x

[Healthyarchive]

Hi Lilycat, there are many books available and websites about making new friends & developing social relationships, I have a few and like reading them. It might help you to look these up. I have thought recently about the criteria needed when I am considering if men can become partners. At my time of life I want to be more choosy about who i get close to. You might find it helpful to apply the same sort of principles to making new friends. Just to mention to you as well, there are a huge no. of social groups available nationwide now which give people so many opportunities to meet new people both male and female. I will send you a private message with the website details as well as the making friends books that I have. I have written myself a basic list of things I am going to check when I meet men in the future:

1. Do I feel comfortable & relaxed in their company?
2. Do we really have things in common?
3. Do we have a similar outlook on life?
4. Am I lonely, stressed, sad, needy, want sex?

You get the gist. I want to make sure the men that I get together with in future i’m meeting for the right reasons & not just to fill a void etc. With female friendships I think these often happen naturally, you just seem to click. X*X

[Serenity]

Hi Lilycat,

It would be awful if our experience stopped us from evolving, but at the same time, it would be awful to walk right into abuse again.

What helps me is to go into a new acquaintanceship thinking ‘right, I’m not going to give 100% here- I’m keeping something back’ and it helps me to think in terms of 70/30- keeping 30% of myself back.

Of course, you might prefer 60/40 or 50/50! Or even 30/70, lol!

I also visualise a plastic bubble around me in my interactions, so that if anything goes wrong or anyone is unkind or thoughtless, I feel like I’ve been somewhat protected.

I probably sound mad, but it works for me.

Taking things very slowly, with anyone and everyone, is the best bet. X

[lover of no contact]

A good book is ‘Jerk Radar’ by Stephen Mc Crea. He has worked with domestic abuse survivors on a Forum like this one and is well versed in the Red Flags of abusive people.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your really helpful responses and sorry to have taken time to get back to you.

I like, especially the ideas of giving only a percentage of myself and having an invisible bubble.

These things take time and trust needs to be built up.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat x

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