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    • #37195
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      I haven’t been on here in a while. I think I was just trying to block everything out but I’m worried I’ve set myself back.

      One of his friends contacted me recently to say she’s basically done with him because he’s lying about things and hasn’t addressed anything. A few weeks after he chucked me, he signed up and is paying for a premium dating app, and has apparently already met a few people off it. I felt physically sick upon hearing this.

      Then I was told he’s been blaming most of the relationship problems on me, saying that whenever he tried breaking up with me I became “unwell”. In truth he suggested breaking up out of the blue, just a couple of weeks after he’d pleaded with me not to leave him because I’d had enough of his behaviour. That threw me off and I was really upset on top of all the other stuff I was trying to deal with, and he later took it back and said he didn’t want to break up.

      He’s trying to make out like I’ve trapped him because of my mental instability (in reality I was suffering from anxiety and depression which worsened with him) and has even said I was going to jump out my window when he tried breaking up with me once, which is a complete fabrication.

      It sickens me and saddens me that he’s using my mental health against me, and like I’m crazy enough to have trapped in the relationship, so his only option left was to screw me up with his lies and manipulation. I am so deeply insulted that he’d do this, like I’m really beginning to hate him for what he’s done and what he is now doing, as I’m now aware he was living some fantasy with me whilst bad mouthing me behind my back to his friends, and making me out to be irrational, unreasonable, hysterical etc.

      I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks but I’m not there to defend myself and I’m struggling to process this.

    • #37198
      Serenity
      Participant

      I am sure many abusers are saying the same about their victims!

      In the early/ middling years, my ex had me in a state with his push/ pull antics- declarations of love alternated with cruelty- and I was a pleading mess, too.

      That’s what happens when abusers play with good and sensitive souls. We are affected.

      (We are still good and sensitive souls- but we are now knowledgeable ones!)

      They rely on us being in a mess for a sense of power. When I managed to rise up and ignore his antics- finding peace and joy in my friends and work- he left! Because I wasn’t playing victim anymore!

      They make out that they hate drama- it they need it.

      I am glad that there seems to have been a recent raising awareness of mental abuse recently, and legislation against it, because to me it makes as much a victim of people as physical abuse.

      Don’t beat yourself up. You reacted as you did because you are a person with normal emotions. It’s they who are lacking in emotions.

      Let him tell whoever, whatever. You focus on the new you, armed with newfound strength and knowledge- a galvanised version of your former self! X*x

    • #37204
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      You are not crazy hun .Iam sure my ex will be saying iam the crazy one as I had depression when I met him .These abusers prey on our insecurities to make them feel powerful.but in truth they the crazy ones .. keep strong warrier X

    • #37210
      EeyoreNoMore
      Participant

      It’s always easier for them to shift the blame on to us rather than acknowledge their own behaviour.

      Can you block all his friends? If they are his friends and not yours you don’t need any contact with them so best to no leave yourself open to them.

      Each time you hear these things you just have to thank your lucky stars that you are free.

    • #37216
      White Rose
      Participant

      You know you’re not crazy and so do we. Ignore him. He’s doing it to get back at you as you’ve damaged his ego. Its his only defense and its a pretty pathetic attempt!
      It’s a common thkng they do but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with. According to my ex I’ve been under a psychiatrist and a psychologist and have a serious mental health problem (wrong! I see my excellent GP and any mental health issues are down to him), he’s mouthed off to friends and relatives how crazy I am – often travelling hundreds of miles and calling at their homes to tell them (they ring me to check I’m ok and tell me they’ve told him to go away), he’s phoned my GP saying I’m getting worse when I was getting better (GP refused to talk to him).
      Don’t listen to him and trust yourself – don’t let him gas light you and get his “friends” on your no contact list ASAP.
      And as for the dating game…if he’s anything like my ex he’ll go through “wonderful women who understand me and love me and give me what I deserve” faster than a knife though butter!
      Chin up. Keep positive. Don’t waste your time worrying about what he’s saying or doing. The people who matter to you won’t believe his lies xx

    • #37222
      Happybean
      Participant

      My ex did this. He drove me to attempt suicide. I had numerous breakdowns after rapes and decades of dv. When I started speaking out he said I was mentally ill.
      My gp arranged for me to see a psychiatrist. I got a diagnosis. Anxiety as a result of acute domestic abuse. Love that piece of paper. It validated the reasons of why I was in bits . Funny enough in court papers he said he was breaking down and struggling to work. Lies or projection?? Not sure. But I am healthy and we’ll now I’m free of him. Hang in there xx

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