Friends partners/husband's reactions versus male friend's reactions

[iliketea]

I got out a while ago. I’m beginning to notice a pattern with the men who now know. Anyone else experienced this?

When I left ex, he let a lot of my friends know, I didn’t, I felt it was a poor me/victim positioning thing he was doing – it didn’t bother me as any real friends would be just that.

I met someone today, who I’ve known for a long time, he’s one half of a couple I’ve known equally for years and years, my ex has only known for a short time. So turns out that they have already met up. I felt a bit weird about it. He started talking about him in a feeling sorry for him sort of way. I avoided all talk about the situation as had children with me and didn’t want to discuss it with him. When I said goodbye he looked sort of awkward and sad, and like I had done something terrible.

I’ve also seen a couple of friends and their husbands have also been really weird. One point blank ignored me which is so weird as we’re friends and usually talk. He looked embarrassed and looked the other way, didnt make eye contact and then left the room. The other didnt speak at all. And another Ive heard won’t let my friend meet up with me, and has been also saying things about how sorry he is for my ex etc etc. He doesn’t even know him!!

SO, not sure if Ive explained that, but is this a thing? My own male friends, who aren’t partners or husbands of friends but who I know separately have been amazing, and supportive, and totally understanding and haven’t questioned anything, just 100% acknowledged and understood, and validated ever since being told. Two of them have been there sort of holding my hand remotely all the way through the exit, there’s no romantic interest, they’re both happily with partners, who I like and get on with it. They are just old friends that go back a long way. What is this about? Anyone shed light on my friends partners and husbands, W*F is this about?? Is this a thing? Is it the abuse? Is it being single? What is it? Is it leaving and they’re scared they’re own partners will do the same? I was just chatting about nothing and being friendly, no tears no anger, just a chat about this and that.
x

[Hazydayz]

So you got out! And now worried about what other people are thinking? Some people will see you differently now! understand? Don’t worry about other people! You have to accept that some who knew you as a couple, family! will think of you as a home breaker! That’s how it is in divorcing. And society! Small minds! If you have so many friends standing by you? What’s the problem? Live your free life now. Good luck to you!There are a lot of wolves out there! Dressed as friendly sheep! Grooming their way into your affections & waiting to gobble you up! Emotionally you will be left wondering? What? Take care of you & yours.

[Eggshells]

Hi Iliketea, It’s quite possible that these men have been got to in some way. Most people only see the charming man that presents himself, not the abuser that he is behind closed doors. If they don’t know, or don’t believe, that your ex is abusive, then they could well be bewildered by why you have left.

A lot of people just don’t understand abuse. If it’s not physical, they don’t get it, either because they’ve never had that experience or because they are familiar with the behaviour patterns but don’t see it as abusive. So, if your ex has spoken to them, he will have spun them a very long and sad yarn; he won’t have been singing your praises.

Your true friends will know you well enough to know that you are a good person and that you will have left for a good reason. xx

[YellowBird]

Ohhhh boy, I completely identify with this – being seen as a heartless b***h because of ex telling his friends a sob story.
When ex moved out, I got a panicked message from a friend of his, saying he (ex) was homeless & all alone, having to take buses even though he is ill, no one to support him. I texted back, pointing out that ex has chosen to do all of this the hardest way possible despite better options (I gave specific examples) being made available to him.
One of our (adult) kids has received similar messages from my ex’s friends, wondering why no one is helping him. Our kid replied similarly to what I did, and wondered what the friends themselves are doing to help him, seeing as none of them offered either a temporary bed or practical support.
Having said all that, I’m willing to bet ex didn’t tell anyone what help he needed, just so he could claim being alone & friendless.
Can’t win for losing here, I reckon – people are taken in by these charming, seemingly-genuine liars.

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