Managing a healthy friendship group

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

I am back navigating the world of a female friendship group after reconnecting with my old school friends. To be fair to them they have been wonderfully supportive and boosting me after I left my abusive ex, and I’m so grateful that they were available to talk when I needed, it really got me through the days where I barely knew who I was.

However, a few months on and I am struggling a little with some of them, and it’s reminding me why I disconnected from them in the first place. I can’t work out whether I’m just a difficult person who can’t get on with people in a group or whether I am just reacting to people trying to control things and have power over me?

For example recently I suggesed the cinema with two friends to watch a certain film ad they both agreed. I find weekends extremely hard and lonely so I suggested this weekend and offered to drive us all. Only one could make it, the other couldn’t but said she was happy if we both went and she’d see us another time. The one who could make it agreed to go but first tried to change the cinema I suggested, the time, and then suddenly cancelled the plans because the third friend couldn’t go. I feel angry like she ripped away the control over the social outing I had suggested and was organising and is now calling all the shots, deciding the cinema, the day, the time and who goes!

I’ve noticed this friend always has to change plans other have made to suit her, and it depresses me. She also often seems irritated with me but has never told me why, and in the past hase been mean and insulting to me in front of our other friends, for reasons I still don’t understand. I distanced myself from her for a while because she seemed full of vitriol towards me but we talked it through and I thought we had resolved this, but now I’m thinking that maybe she is just someone who likes power and still feels I have wronged her somehow and is still annoyed with me which is coming out in her actions?

Anyway, this has made me feel very depressed because I am single having recently got outof an abusive relationship, not talking to my parents due to ongoing emotional abuse, and now I am questioning my friendships. I feel so unbelievably alone! I try to be flexible with friends, kind, warm, a good listener, supportive and fun. If someone else makes plans then I either go or decline, I don’t start trying to change things. I can’t stand the way this friend does this, it feels similar to the way my mother has always tried to control me and make decisions for me, it feels like it violates my boundaries.

Anyway I’m just writing on here as I feel very alone. It would be good to hear your thoughts on the above situation. I really don’t want to be a difficult person, but I also find it hard to be friends with people like this without violating my own boundaries and then feeling depressed and angry. Luckily not all my friends are like this but most of them sadly don’t live in my city.

There is currently a summer holiday in plans and I’m worried about similar dynamics. I like the majority of these people individually but I often feel my suggestions get pushed aside by the 1-2 people who try to dominate everything in a group setting and it kind of makes me want to isolate myself again. I don’t want to be a hermit, I just want healthy friendships where I feel respected and listened to and where there is balance and fairness and consideration?

Maybe I should just stick to 1-1 friendships and avoid group activities?

Thanks for any thoughts on this,
Sunshine

[Jupiter]

Hi Sunshine

It can be difficult to trust people again after an abusive experience and many feel like this. Maybe a group is too demanding at the moment when you are trying to build your life again so can you maybe focus on the friends you describe as not dominating? You have said that there are one or two who are respectful in that they are not out to control the situation.When we deal with trauma we can feel overwhelmed with stressful events so you have the choice to take it easy with less demanding people and strike a balance between socialising and protecting yourself too.
Jupiter x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Jupiter,

Thank you for your reply. Yes several of my friends are not controlling at all and are very kind, balanced and wise people, but the ones in the group tend to go along with whatever the domineering ones suggest. I have one very good friend out of this friendship group who sadly doesn’t live nearby, I have found it hard to make good, local friends probably because most people my age are busy starting their own families.

I think you’re probably right, it’s maybe not a good idea to jump back into an old group dynamic straight out of an abusive relationship.

A word that keeps coming up in my mind is ‘boundaries,’ as I think my difficulties with my parents, my ex and this friend are all to do with them trying to step over my bondaries making me feel helpless, angry, exasperated and depressed. I have found that unforturtunately some of the people who seem most supportive when I am ill or depressed are also those who are the most controlling. I’ve noticed that when I start to regain my strength they don’t seem to like it and often seem irritated and disapproving of me because they are no longer as powerful over me.

I think this friend falls into the above category, and I therefore need to distance myself from her. She always has this look of disapproval on her face towards me like I am a naughty child who who has committed some unknown crime and it reminds me of what abusive men are often like – punishing us for infractions to their rules about how we are apparently allowed to behave.

I wonder if the abuse I experienced in childhood has meant that I have attracted and been attracted to these types of people because they always pretend to offer support and a safe haven but the price to pay is that they must be in charge at all times.

I’ve decided to go to the cinema by myself to take back my power, and I’m not going to let this person bully and manipulate me now that I have realised what is starting to happen again.

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