Many more occasions but who is in the right/wrong here?

[Emptybutfree]

If you have found something out about your partner, they’re treating you with disrespect or you’ve found out they’ve been unfaithful (anything like that) you get upset/angry and feel as though your feelings should be heard, if they then ask you to leave because they don’t want to listen to anything you’ve got to say and you refuse to leave as you want answers, does that justify being attacked, hit or anything along those lines?

[Camel]

There’s never justification for physical abuse.

Asking who is right or wrong is an interesting question. Why do you ask?

[Grey Rock]

Nope. It certainly does not.
That’s just to instill fear of questioning them into us and a punishment for attempting to hold them accountable for their behaviour. Silent treatment is another typical punishment for this. It means that so many of us tiptoe around massive great elephants in the room while we desperately try to avoid reacting to their bad behaviour, never daring to upset them. Or risk their wrath as we dare to make them feel bad (never their fault for behaving that way in the first place of course because nothing is ever their fault – that’s kinda rule number one!)

GR

[Emptybutfree]

Hi camel, I ask because I’ve been in many many situations where if I dare to confront any form of hurtful behaviour that is sometimes what would happen, cold shoulder, silent treatment and if I stuck up for myself and attempted to stand my ground I’d get a smack in the face or something along those lines.
I sometimes think to myself, if I would of just left then maybe he wouldn’t of hit me or… does it justify his actions towards me?

This was the case til the last time when he knew I’d had enough and was making me out to be insane for finding out the truth, he then would sway from getting angry to promising to make changes, it ended up in another violent attack as I tried to leave.

Grey rock, thank you!
I always used to say to him, why is it one rule for you and another for me, why are you allowed to be angry or upset but I am not, why wasn’t I allowed to express my feelings or be able to communicate without the silent treatment or violence.

I know logically that everything he did was so wrong but I’m riddled with a lot of guilt and self blame. It’s like speaking to a brick wall with me at the moment, I’m still trying to process and understand everything x

[Emptybutfree]

I think the main reason I ask is because I was made to believe for a very long time that it was always me, I was always the one who was sorry, I would always be trying to make changes to my behaviour so we didn’t end up in situations like that again. When in reality the only other thing I could of done is to literally say nothing.

I have morals and values so I struggled to not say anything at all, although I did surrender to some degree and tried my best not to upset him (even though It would only be reaction to his disrespect) I fear that I read a lot of things where the women stay quiet, although I knew how violent he could be, I still tried to stand up for myself.

[gettingtired]

There is no excuse for abuse; physical, emotional or psychological. As victims of abuse we tend to normalise, minimise or question our experiences though.
I can’t recommend the book ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft enough if you haven’t read it already. Apparently you can download it for free online if it’s not safe for you to have a physical copy in the house x

[Camel]

The problem is you won’t ever win an argument with an abuser. If it was a normal relationship you’d take it in turns, sometimes right, sometimes wrong. And you’d each concede and apologise or maybe argue some more. What you wouldn’t do in a normal relationship is use violence to shut the other person down.

Yes, you had a right to your opinions and the right to be heard. But your abuser didn’t give a toss about those rights. Of course he was in the wrong.

[Grey Rock]

Emptybutfree, that’s exactly how I was when I first left. I was really grateful to Dr Ramani for making so much information available on YouTube. It really helped me to make sense of the madness as I took in what she explains. Id really 100% recommend watching. I even took notes as I watched to help me really take it all in. Without that info I think I’d still be trying to find reasons and explanations for what happened and for his behaviour as if he were a ‘normal’ person and I’d just left a ‘normal’ relationship, neither of which were the case.

Xx

GR

[Camel]

I used to think I was being strong, standing my ground, defending myself. I was sure at some point I had to win, because what I was saying was right. If I’d known we’d be having the exact same argument on the day I left as when we got together I may have saved my breath. Or maybe not.

[Emptybutfree]

Grey rock, I’ve been watching her quite a lot but I’ve been watching a lot on n********m, do you suggest other topics I could look at?
Could your relationship sometimes feel ‘normal’ and did you have good times? I did and I’m still holding on to those times.

Camel – very true, I don’t think much changes does it, he always told me he wanted an easy life… which confused me because i couldn’t put my finger on the problem.

[Grey Rock]

I think sometimes it did feel okay. But at those times you can just end up still full of dread once you know it’s just a break and the poop will hit the fan for some bizarre unexplainable reason at some point. In a healthy relationship that’s not the case. You can just relax and feel safe.

I’m fairly sure my ex was a n********t. Or sociopath. But not worried about inner debate on labels any more. He fit every description and example Dr R gave so I followed her advice.

GR

[Hawthorn]

Hi Emptybutfree,

The horrible confusion and questioning yourself that you’re experiencing is a result of the abuse you experienced. It’s his voice in your head making you doubt yourself. Abusers abuse our minds, they are psychophiles. I would really recommend the book “How he gets inside her head” by Don Hennessey. The confusion is horrible and distressing but sadly a normal part of abuse recovery. But it is possible to recover. Its like your deprogramming yourself from being in a cult, it takes time, education, support and self compassion.

In answer to your above question, there was lots of “happy” or “good” or “normal” times in my relationship. There had to have been, or I wouldn’t have stayed for so long. They were as much a part of the abuse as the abusive episodes, because they served to keep me trapped, living in denial of the reality of my situation and striving to change myself so I could have those times all the time. These periods are a key part of the cycle of abuse, and in hindsight are crueller than the overt abuse as they prove its not that he didn’t know how to treat me well, it’s that he chose not to. He chose power and control and took pleasure in breaking my spirit, then blaming me for it.

It’s alot to process and you will have flashes of clarity, then times of swirling confusion. Ride it out, it will settle. Hold onto your truth and keep reaching out. This too will pass xx

[Camel]

I found it took years to remember and process everything. Just as well, I’d have gone crazy if I’d had to do it all in one go. I started off trying to understand why he did what he did. But I got bored of that quite quickly. Then I focused on me and why I did what I did. Because staying was an action.

[Daff]

Over the years my ex had affairs which I believed him when he said the rumours weren’t true. He also talked to women online, when I said anything about it I would be told to get over myself it meant nothing or if I was giving him what he needed it wouldn’t be happening. When I started to stand up for myself he became violent,acted like I should give him sex on demand. I believed it for a long time it was my fault and I was mentally unstable. When he realized I wasn’t taking it, he moved onto someone new and started telling people I had been abusing him. He will never believe that things happened because of his actions. I shouted and pushed him when he was drunk and that’s the only thing that’s remembered. I dont understand why I didn’t see it before but hoping that I wont be there again. Learning who I am again is hard but that’s what I need to do at the moment

[Emptybutfree]

Wow Daff that is horrendous.

These men feel entitled, almost as though you’re only there to serve them which is vile.

Something I’ve learnt with my experience is that I could of called my ex a king, kissed his feet every 5 minutes and he’d still of found some sort of issue.

In reality, they want us to literally serve them in what ever way they deem appropriate, changing the goal posts and causing confusion.

I still believe that if I’d of sat there with my mouth shut, looking pretty, running myself in to the ground to please him 24/7, had my morals and values crushed, allowed myself to be walked all over, cheated on, put down and disposed of when ever he felt like it, there may be a slight chance he’d of been happy… but who am I kidding, he’d never ever of been happy and neither would I.

I stood up for myself, I tried so hard, was beat for it, bad mouthed and made to look like a crazy woman.

These men NEVER change, it’s so easy for me to say that to someone else because I fear the same thing myself, but they don’t.

They say the first point of change is accountability – they have none, and if they show a glimmer of accountability, it’s usually for their own benefit, not for anyone else.

I was also made to feel abusive, I still hold self blame but I’m hoping the more I heal, the more these negative feeling towards myself will fade.

I hope you’re ok strong lady. Sending big hugs xx

[Daff]

I agree they will never change, he moved on pretty quickly and if you listen to anyone who has seen him with his new partner they say how good he is to her. He likes people to see that he is someone who will do anything for anyone but in reality it’s all a front. I think this was another reason I thought it must be me, I’m starting to learn what the signs are now and have found some of them really surprising. Something such as them calling you love etc is away of taking your name away from you, your name is such a big part of your identity but its something as simple as that which can start to take a part of you away.its taking time to find out who I am again and I’m lucky to have the family I do, everything from emotional support to helping me financially when I neededtoget backon my feet. I don’t think I will ever tell them everything but they just ensure that I know they are there whenever I need them and I’m getting support from different agencies. I hate the fact that I feel sometimes that I’ve wasted so much of my life but I can’t change that now and can only hope I make the right decisions for me in the future. This site is full of strong females and its horrible to think that so many have gone through it, but it makes you feel that you can do it when you dont feel alone in what life has thrown your way. Sending hugs back your way

[Runningfree]

I’m new here today, OH latest outburst on (detail removed by Moderator) resulted in door slamming and object throwing ( later in the day, it was made worse by alcohol) made me realise that our (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship isn’t healthy.

We are on day (detail removed by Moderator) now, he speaks to me when our adult daughter is around but is curt when she isn’t. Our son has moved out to work away, OH squared up to him one time when trying to throw my clothes out of the front door after an outburst.

I googled domestic abuse and it lead me to this site. We have months of calm, in fact during lockdown, not one blow up. We’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) in the past few months, weirdly, after we had been on holiday (detail removed by Moderator). I know now that we are “trauma bonding”.

He has had (detail removed by Moderator) affairs in the past, neither of which he told me about, I had to guess by way of his behaviour, then he admitted it but it was my fault as I hadn’t been giving him enough attention.

We tried couples therapy once but he wanted to stop after (detail removed by Moderator) sessions as he said she blamed him. Of course, they were my fault as I wasn’t giving him enough attention. I accept that I’m not perfect, there are problems in any relationship, but I feel his aggressive behaviour is the wrong way to deal with problems.

We married young and both had difficult childhoods, I know his late dad used aggression frequently, whilst my parents separated when I was young. I listened to their arguments from my bedroom, so I do have a fear of shouting. Our romance was classic -intense and loving until we had been married a few months and then the problems started.

I just can’t talk to him – he blanks me and tells me to leave him alone. I haven’t even tried this time, I’ve been polite and spoken when I have to, although he does seem to be thawing this afternoon. Like every time.

Last time, (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I became quite upset about it and he tried to divert the attention away from his behaviour by saying my daughter had said I was controlling too. I told him that I found his aggressive behaviour frightening and that we should talk in a calm, reasoned way and that we needed to learn how to air our grievances safely. He clearly didn’t take that on board.

I’ve just messaged a local therapist to see if I can get some support to process my feelings.

I lost my mum very suddenly just before Covid hit and I don’t feel I’ve really grieved for her. My job is uncertain and I’m at home more due to this, he is working from home permanently, so we are together more now, although it’s been fine and he is really helpful around the house.

That’s what upsets me so much, why can’t he just accept that he has a good life and family?

Financially in a good position, although he’d say that was down to him!

I have good friends and (detail removed by Moderator) sisters, so I know that if we split, I won’t be lonely.

I’ve read some of the stories on here, some of you ladies are so wise and strong. Thanks for listening. It feels very odd to be putting these feelings in writing to strangers!

[Author]

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