marital sxl abuse

[mayflower]

I have not been on here for a very long time
I left hub (detail removed by moderator)years ago – gosh (detail removed by moderator) years it has gone quickly

I have recently plucked up the courage to contact rp and s/a crisis about what occurred and they say it is those things and I find myself on the waiting list for counselling from them

yet I feel so bad so guilty and so culpable
I know what he did I know what was happening but accepting it as s/a seems almost impossible

even after all this time, even though I can say the word abuse, it doesn’t feel like it applies to me and I feel so wrong doing this

[Amaguq]

Hi Mayflower,
Huggggsssssss
Self doubting, I have found, seems to be very common with us, abused. I struggle with the words abused, victim, trauma but I know they are facts.
I doubt myself frequently “maybe it was my fault”
Stupidly believing that is was “normal married life” but knowing how wrong it was.

I do hope the waiting list is not too long for counselling and the best of luck xx

[KIP.]

Mayflower. Give it a chance. If its too much too soon then you can take a break from counselling. We do what we have to do to survive. No one will force you to talk if you dont want to. Remember abuse becomes our ‘normal’ so its only natural that we feel strange trying to tell our brain differently.

[mayflower]

thank you so much for your replies

I think the waiting list will mean next year some time

thing is – I have been talking to mh staff about this since (detail removed by moderator)and it has got easier to speak about and it is ‘out there’ now
but like you say, it becomes part of our ‘normal’ when it is all we know

also the things he did were not crazy depraved things
they were the things many couples would do and enjoy and be ok with
so how dare I let people call it abuse

if I had smiled and said yes please and more – then it would all have been fine
but because I couldn’t and didn’t
and because he did so much when I was asleep or dissociated or had said stop/no
then it becomes abuse
I should have said yes, I should have liked it
and his excuse – on the very rare occasions when he acknowledged what he was doing –
was ‘you want it really’

(detail removed by moderator) years on and that is still so tangled in my head
there is hardly a day goes by when I don’t agonise over it all
my mh worker says ‘you cant sort this on your own’ and I keep trying to say that to myself

[KIP.]

Our free will was taken from us and that’s abuse. I group the sexual abuse alongside the Financial, mental, emaotional and physical. It’s just another form of abuse. I look back to the early days of dating when they wouldn’t dare treat us that way. So they absolutely know right from wrong. After a while it just becomes part of the bigger picture of coercive control. Mine would keep me awake for hours and hours until I said yes. Knowing I had a young child and had work in the morning. Just because I said yes doesn’t mean I wanted to. It was the lesser of two evils. It shocks me that someone would actually want to have sex with an unwilling partner. Goes to show their total lack of moral compass x

[mayflower]

I agree with you and know that there was lots of ‘controlling’ in all areas going on in my marriage, and even now if we have contact

and within all my difficulties, one of the things that others have perhaps turned my opinions is that he would do sxl things to someone who was curled up tight turned away from him, arms clamped across chest, and often silently crying
– seeing/hearing that brings us much sadness

and I am so sad that I was (age remvoed by moderator) and married for (detail removed by moderator) years – before I found out (from mh and here) that I had the right to say no to things and that he didn’t have sxl ‘rights’
it is STILL something I am endlessly struggling with

[maddog]

I feel for you Mayflower, I really do. I am struggling to come to terms with being used as a sex object. Right from the beginning of the relationship I remember feeling just a bit uncomfortable. Of course I thought I could sort it out. I thought it was a blip. Everything was about him. It’s with the police at the moment and I fear they will file it under general. I too have been rendered curled up in a ball just hoping I don’t get poked or groped. We had so many rows about it. Of course he was right all the time and now the relationship is over I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I didn’t know what was going on until I posted on another website about being asleep and having my vagina poked around. That was years ago. It has taken me a long time to understand and it will take longer to accept. I am really only at the beginning of understanding that I have been used for decades just for my holes. When my husband called me a c**t, I understood.

[iwillbeok]

I have been attending counselling for the sexual abuse at the end of our marriage. In this I have also untangled the extremely subtle emotional and financial abuse that had been going on for decades. And it has been so, so beneficial. I have learned to put the blame squarely where it belongs – with him! I have found me again.

The long term abuse set up the situation where he felt able (and succeeded) in sexual coercive control/assault in an escalated manner. For the previous x years our sex life was non-existant. I learned not to initiate as I never knew what his mood was going to be. He didnt like physical contact, was never much ‘into’ kissing. Terms of endearment were mostly on my part (or sarcastic on his part). He hadn’t told me he loved me for months and months. We had a big row of financial situation (all ‘my fault’) and rather than leave (he said he actually hated me) he decided to try and break me. It was all about submission on my part, and control on his part. If I played my part in the bedroom everything would be fine outside of it. He had me say things that sounded like consent but clearly weren’t. It can hardly be consenting when someone is crying (and being told not to!). Finally on one of the final days, lying there adter he coerced me into sex despite the fact I kept saying I was feeling ill, he said I love you. My skin was crawling, my brain was screaming at me to get away but I just lay there unable to move.

I hope you can get the counselling soon, mayflower, and I hope you find the right person and it works for you.

Stay strong x

[mayflower]

maddog – yes I experienced similar
and still struggle with ‘those bits’ of my anatomy – often wanting to cut them out

for many years it just felt like I was just 3 bits – to him

I am sure the police will take you seriously
my hub got arrested
but I refused to give a formal statement so they let it drop

iwillbeok – it is so good the counselling is helping you – my mh worker is convinced it is the right ‘next step’ for me

my situation was sort of reverse to you as hub wanted intimacy and I had issues so he didn’t get much from me
hence my endless guilt and conviction that it was my fault as a marriage brings expectations
as in his head (or this is what he said) he loved me but his way of showing it was sx and not really any other way

[maddog]

Intimacy is far more than sex. It is communication, for better for worse. It can’t be communication when only one person is involved and the other just tolerates. I used to hate my ‘bits’ seeing them only as useless add-ons. That is a separate issue and I wanted more than anything to feel loved.

My husband has never been really intimate with me in any way. His perfect life, his perfect parents, his perfect adult children who he doesn’t know.He refused point blank at the start of our relationship to be tested for STIs on the basis that his wife had an STI scare during her 3rd pregnancy (husband using prostitutes), but it turned out not to be anything so he was clear. He hated condoms and used them completely inappropriately so they could only fail.

Please, mayflower, keep on and on forgiving yourself.

When sex became a real problem which happened after a couple of years, I started closing down. Marriage guidance at the time helped a bit. In the longer term, my husband took what he wanted and uses whatever information I divulged against me.

It is truly horrible having sexual things (and everything else) done at you. My husband expected me to be all excited because he had an erection and he wanted to put it somewhere. Yuck.

I have no idea what the police will tell me. There were so many things I didn’t say in the video interview.

Coercive Control doesn’t mean much in criminal law and it’s broken down into things you’re not supposed to do anyway.

[Daisy]

Mayflower, i too visit the site less often these days but was so happy today to see your post , and your progress in the time away ( gosh , hasn’t it gone fast) just to be on the list awaiting the counselling is a huge step,because it’s out there and talked about and you can see it now so much more, that’s what i read from your words and I feel so proud of how far you have come, as I know how hard it has been (((((M.f)))))
X x x

[mayflower]

thank y ou daisy

sorry not a long reply asin very bad place today

[Daisy]

Yes, some days are always better than others, eh. Steps forward and they take a toll, take care, lovely lady.
X x x

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