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    • #89002
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      After decades of abuse things have come to a head in the last few months as I have realised what is happening to me. He denies that he abuses me and says it’s a problem with both of us and that it could be empty nest syndrome now that the kids have left home. But that doesn’t explain (detail removed by moderator) years of his behaviour. Today he asked if I would go to Marriage Counselling and I said yes, hoping that we can have a calmer conversation and get the abuse out in the open in a safe environment. Do you have any advice about talking to a marriage counsellor and whether it helps to address abuse in a relationship?

      Thank you!

    • #89004
      KIP.
      Participant

      No. He will use the opportunity to turn things round onto you. You need counselling on your own with a specialist domestic abuse counsellor and he must not know you’re going. His denials will continue. His blame will continue and if the counsellor is not tuned into abuse, she/he can make you feel even more confused. Its been (detail removed by moderator) years of abuse. He knows very well its abuse. He chooses to abuse and if he doesnt know the difference by now, nothing is going to make him change. Work on your own self esteem and a life away from him x

    • #89006
      Escapee
      Participant

      I’ll second that one.

      I tried that one and it was a disaster.

      Sorry not to have a positive response for you x*x

    • #89055
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hello

      I agree with escapee and KIP – go alone to a specialist dv counsellor. My partner and I tried couple counselling a while back and I listened to him say what a great job he’s done supporting me with this and that. I felt overlooked by the counsellor who didn’t seem to be listening to what I had to say. I gave up going as I didn’t see the point. During another rocky patch in our relationship my partner suggested again that we have couple counselling since he argued that we both had issues with our behaviour towards each other, and a marriage counsellor would be able to listen to us both and offer an independent view of how we could improve to make things work better. He thought a counsellor would be able to give us some rules to help with this. I heard this and just thought it would be a way for him to impose control on the relationship using a third party (the advice from the marriage counsellor) to justify his behaviour towards me. It was then that I decided I had to take back control of my life and become more independent again.

      Keep posting, dancing in the rain. Let us know what you decided to do. And good luck! 🙂

    • #89141
      Brave
      Participant

      I also agree – we went to couples counselling twice, with many years in between. The first time, it was suggested that I was depressed (I was, and I now know why). The second time, we went to have a last go at putting things back on track, but it resulted in me feeling everything was my fault. He did not engage in an honest way with the counsellor, I was very emotional and he managed to get her to feel sorry for him. Classic manipulation, I now realise. This year, I went to a counsellor on my own, without his knowledge. She helped me see things as they really were and I finally managed to leave, with the strength she helped me to find. For me, it was vital to get it straight in my head, what was actually going on. It will take a long to recover and retrain my brain.
      As others have said, I don’t think it is possible to get the “abuse out in the open” – I tried confronting him with it and all I got back was shedloads of denial. And more abuse.
      I wish you the very best of luck.
      xx

    • #89282
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you Brave, I’m beginning to understand what could happen…. He hasn’t contacted a couples counsellor yet and is now saying he doesn’t think it’s worth it and I’ll just try to make him out to be the one at fault. When I spoke to him about why I thought we needed to talk calmly with someone outside he just turned everything back on me and I starting questioning myself again!

      I hope things are better for you now xx

    • #89283
      KIP.
      Participant

      The tactics he’s using on you just now he will use in counselling. He probably had no intention of going in the first place. They are liars x

    • #89349
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Hi all. Thank you for all your great advice. I’ve decided couples counselling wouldn’t be a good idea, I’d probably end up feeling even worse about myself and more confused. I’m going to find a counsellor for me. If he wants to see one too that’s up to him. KIP I suspect you’re right about him never intending to see a couples counsellor. He’s said this sort of thing before and then doesn’t see it through, a bit like when he says he wants to leave…..

    • #89359
      Brave
      Participant

      Well done, dancing in the rain, for making a decision. I hope you find a good counsellor who can help you through. My OH has been seeing one since I left, apparently, but I really wonder what he has been telling her. He is playing the victim card for all it’s worth.

      I am getting stronger by the day, but it will take aong time to heal. I am focusing on sorting out the practicalities and finances, not an easy task. But there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing in leaving. Sadly, I am realising the impact all those toxic years have had on my now adult children.

      Wishing you all the best for a happier future.
      Brave
      X

    • #89410
      Shaz
      Participant

      Hi

      Just to add to everyone else’s comments, it did not work for me either. The first time the counsellor suggested he was controlling and my ex stormed out, leaving me sitting there. The second time he just got the counsellor round to his way of thinking and I felt utterly powerless. Then the journey home in the car was beyond horrendous. Horrible experiences.

      I think you have made your decision so stick to it!
      Shaz

    • #89418
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you all so much. At last I feel I don’t have to try and work out what is happening and what to do on my own.x*x

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