Massive guilt trip

[Shazza]

I’m really sorry for posting again so soon I just need to talk through how I’m feeling and I don’t know where to do that anymore.
He’s laying the guilt on thick at the moment. He has asked how I can live with myself knowing (detail removed by Moderator). He indicated that as I know he has a problem with drink, that I didnt stick by him when I should have done. (detail removed by Moderator). Apparently I havent tried hard enough to help him or supported him enough. He’s thrown in my face that as were married I am meant to stick by him (detail removed by Moderator) and that I have just walked away from our marriage and given up without even much effort on my part. He has pointed out how certain things that I have done in the past have caused his issues to become worse and that rather than sticking around to work through it I have just (detail removed by Moderator). He seems genuinely upset and hurt that I have done this to him. He seems to think that he was often reacting (detail removed by Moderator) and has tried to say that this is why he acted in certain ways towards me.
He feels that more recent things have happened due to him feeling so desperate (detail removed by Moderator). He is shocked at (detail removed by Moderator) I have become to just leave him like this.
Is he right? Is this all my fault? Maybe i should have kept trying to help him with his issues but I felt that I had tried over the years and he didnt want help. I feel like an awful awful person and like maybe he is right in what he says. Maybe I should have tried harder to help him and accepted that his behaviour towards me was due to his issues with alcohol and most likely his mental health to.
I feel so lost right now like I don’t know who I am anymore. I doubt that there is anything good about me now and just feel like I am a really bad person all the time. I feel like i am no good for anyone and that I never will be. I’ve convinced myself that i will be isolated and alone for the rest of my life as no one will really want to be around someone like me.
I’m scared that he is right about me being a horrible selfish person and can’t help thinking maybe it is my fault in some way that all this happened.
Some days I can bat all these thoughts away but at the moment I’m struggling to do that.
I feel like I have lost direction right now and don’t know where I’m headed. I can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes just think that there is nothing else out there for me now since I made the decision to leave and can’t seem to see a future.
Does any of this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate at all?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Shazza, your ex has done a big smelly emotional dump on you to try to get you to do what he wants and hook you again.

These tactics are so unfair as it makes you feel confused, doubt yourself and reasons why you left him.

Only he can control his drinking not you. You are not a nurse, punchbag, emotional dumping ground for him. What he is saying is…. I am going to continue abuse alcohol as I am not strong enough to drink in moderation so let’s get back together where I can drink and be looked after by you and enjoy my role as a father.

You are a caring sensitive person Shazza, that’s why you worry about other people and you wouldn’t be reaching out on this forum if you didn’t care. He uses your kindness to get what he wants.

Can you do one small thing for you today? Be kind to yourself, you are a good person with good intentions and deserve to be respected and loved without any abuse ❤ big hugs to you

[Shazza]

Hereforhelp that first sentence did make me smile- you are exactly right, that’s just what it was, a big smelly emotional dump ha ha.

I know deep down that what you say is right. Only he can do something about his issues. He just seems to shocked that i haven’t stood by him through them anymore and expects me to forget what he has done to me as he feels he has valid reasons for these things occurring. Mostly he blames being drunk but he has hurt me sober to. But he blames that on his emotions.
You are right though, he wants me to go back so that his life doesn’t have to change and he can keep doing all the things he wants to whilst having someone around to mop up after him.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it x

[Eyesopening]

This is how I feel but I have been zero contact with my abuser for a long time now..
But those feelings are still there. The regrets. I feel like I made a mistake, I was cruel to leave behind his back, I was cruel to block him on everything without a really good explaination.
I thought I had tried in our relationship, made sure I really tried before I left, now I doubt myself and wonder if I was all wrong.
If everyone was wrong and he wasn’t even abusive, just had issues.
So I understand how you feel.
x*x

[Shazza]

Eye-opening it’s crazy isn’t it how he can doubt ourselves and our own memories so much. I keep looking back over my log and it does help cos often I seem to block alot of it out and it is only when I read back over things I’m like ‘oh yeah that did actually happen’.
I’m sorry that you are feeling similar. I am a complete hypocrite saying this to you, but just remember when feeling like this that you left for valid reasons. You and everyone else can’t be wrong and he be right. That is what I am trying to tell myself. Big hugs xx

[Eyesopening]

Sorry my message may not have been helpful. I had a pretty bad day of it.
Your very kind to offer support even when your going through this too.
Its just ridiculously hard, i do wonder if staying would of been easier.
I like to re read everything also, that helps. Its like whole memories fade away. But what i get is that on paper things sound minor. But actually how i felt did not seem minor. Thats what I need to remember.
Hope your feeling better xx

[Shazza]

Please don’t apologise, how are you feeling today?
I have had those thoughts myself about whether staying would have been easier. I hate feeling like that but I can’t deny that I have those thoughts. It’s actually a relief to have somewhere to say it as other people don’t understand why I would ever think that given the situation. I think they just think I’m mad.
I get what you mean about seeing things on paper. Some of the bits I’ve got written down don’t seem too bad out of context. But like you say it’s how we were made to feel at those times that we need to try and remember. Sending you big hugs x

[Eyesopening]

Yes I totally agree! I feel like it’s been so long now I cannot really say that I miss him to other people. They literally look at me like I must be crazy. I really am seeing now how deep the wounds are..I thought by now I would be alot better. But wow. I underestimated the damage he was doing to me 100%
I dunno if you saw my other post, but dating a man really highlighted this to me. It’s like I have been trained to think and behave a certain way around a romantic partner.. that’s totally ingrained in me. I need to re-train myself. But how? Time and work I suppose.

I feel like these ups and downs, when we doubt, then are sure then we doubt again. Are just a copy of the behaviour we had whilst in the relationship. When I was with my abuser, we went through the honeymoon phase where everything is great and I am thinking, no he’s a great guy I am staying with him. Then we went through an abusve stage where I am scared of him and want to leave. Now after leaving these cycles are still present within me.. This is what I am realising. Things don’t just stop when we leave them.
Hope your alright
love from eyesopening xx

[Shazza]

Yes same here, there is so much more damage than I even realised.
That makes sense actually about the cycles. I think its hard cos when I really think about it I don’t really miss him. I miss what I thought we used to have and memories of when things seemed good. And I still care about him as I would any other human being. And we were together so long that I do feel like ive abandoned him, so when he tells me that’s what o have done it is so easy to just believe his words and turn it in on myself and make me the bad one here.
Like you say, hopefully time will help.
I haven’t seen your post yet, I will take a look, but that’s interesting that you have identified that pattern of behaviour recurring, most likely as you say, due to how well we have been ‘trained’ to respond in the abusive relationships x

[Eyesopening]

Yes, like I need to ask other people, how a good, healthy man should behave?
Is it normal that they did/said xyz? Do men just do that in romantic relationships?
I actually do not know anymore.

I think in a way I really need to decide for myself what I can take and what I can’t, boundries, but then when your in a relationship, there are always good and bad things. And then you can justify the bad. But right now I want to be treated like a princess, adored and not exept anything less. Better to be alone if treated otherwise.
xx

[Bananaboat]

Spin it around- he’s the one with the addiction, the issues so what has he done to help himself? What’s he done to make your life easier not harder?

Mine threw all these same lines at me and I can’t remember what it was that helped, maybe an addiction support site but I remember changing my response to ‘your issues are negatively affecting me and the kids’ and that’s not fair.

You’re not a bad person at all. Quite the opposite! And that’s why he wants you back as he wants you to stand by whilst he drinks and abuses. But if you went back all that would do is enable him to hurt himself more. You didn’t cause his issues and you can’t cure them, he’s just lashing out at you when he should be angry at himself xx

[Shazza]

You are right bananaboat. And actually he has never done anything to help himself as he flits in and out of denial so often. I tried to help him by referring him for support but he never took it up as he doesn’t think he has a problem. He tries to convince me he doesn’t have a problem. He even used to lie to my face that he hadnt drunk things (detail removed by Moderator).
I hate how he makes me feel like a am awful for abandoning him especially after all that he has done

[Bananaboat]

Mine did this. He’d lie about drinking, he’d hide it then if I found it he’d blame me, twisting it onto being my fault he’d had to hide it. He’d lie about taking drugs with pupils like dinner plates. He’d lie about times he was finishing work or being out with kids. It was exhausting. You haven’t abandoned him! His actions, his choices, his behaviour have made it impossible not you, there’s nothing you could’ve done to change that ❤️

[Shazza]

Omg yes the endless lies, sometimes about stuff that didn’t even really matter as well with mine. And I would never understand why he was lying about something so stupid or about something so obvious.
I need to try and remember what you have said about it being his actions, choices and behaviours that have led to this x

[Bananaboat]

I know, it’s crazy isn’t it. I realised I’d learnt to pick up the cues/tells around the lies and become so hyper aware of every noise, cough, sound, the way he shut the door or drive his car as they all told me what later would bring. I’d drive past local pub on way home to see if he was there and get the inevitable lie ‘I’ve just finished work’. First thing I’d do walking in the house was check for the smell of alcohol in the air, open the fridge etc, it’s takes over our lives not just theirs! Stay strong, you got this even if you falter infront of him, reminding yourself that it’s him & his issues afterwards helps you recover x

[Shazza]

This literally resonates with me so much! I had been doing the exact same things, certain noises, the way he would walk to and from the kitchen were all signs of how much he had to drink already and what was in store for me.
I would also check the fridge when I came in, to see what he had already stocked up on for the evening and how much he was planning to drink. It would give me an indication of his behaviour to come. Xx

[Bananaboat]

Glad I could help, it’s nice to know we’re not alone, especially as this is the stuff you can’t really tell others about unless they’ve experienced abuse as they just don’t get it or half the time we don’t even realise we’re doing it!x

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine did it too. Would swear he’d not been drinking but would reek of it. Got all defensive if I called him out on it. Said I knew he drank when I married him. Yes but a couple of pints a weekend , not to oblivion every night! Then blamed me for nagging when he was so wonderful for cutting down his alcohol. Load of tosh, was drinking more than ever.
Since he left he’s used every excuse and reason to explain his behaviour and to show how it’s not his fault.
Except it is!

[Shazza]

They are all so similar, mine also asked me why I suddenly decided that his drinking was an issue when I knew all along he drank. Apparently the fact that it increased a ridiculous amount and that his actions towards me became awful are not good enough reasons in his eyes.
They really do try everything to make it not their fault. And here I am, questioning everything I do to see if I could have been at fault x

[Eyesopening]

My ex would always say this, ‘you knew I drank and smoked when you met me’. But we were young when we met, I grew up and calmed down, he didn’t.. It made me feel bad, but that was his intention. They use any excuse to justify their actions, any excuse so they do not need to actually own up to doing anything wrong. x

[nbumblebee]

If ive learned anything by being here its that whatever the circumstance they will do all they can to make you feel guilty.
No matter what you do or say will be wrong you will always be wrong and they will always make you feel like the bad guy.
My husband isnt a drinker but he is an a******e and he is obsessed with sex so much. I am learning to put in boundries and he hates these and tells me often that our marriage is over because i dont show any love i dont want sex and that i say no. He says he is the way he is because of me. Ive changed and he hates me even more now. I feel guilt every second of the day but we have to put in those boundries im still here so for me its the only way to try and live a life. Guilt is another thing they use to hurt us smash us down. Dont allow it dont let him turn his abuse onto you. You have done nothing wrong sweetie. X

[Shazza]

Thank you nbumblebee. You are right, whatever we do or say is always wrong and everything is always our fault isnt it.
It’s interesting how they claim to hate us and yet they don’t leave themselves. If we are that bad why have they not packed up and left us. Sounds like yours hates the fact that you are putting in boundaries for sure, but good for you! Why shouldn’t you, particularly with someone who already claims to hate you.
And why do they expect us to show them love after how they treat us. Its so infuriating. I can see it all, and yet the guilt remains.
Stay strong lovely, you are doing so well x

[tiredofitall]

Everything you said in your original post is exactly the same as what I’ve been hearing this week. It’s absolute BS. The way that they twist everything back to us after all we’ve put up with and they still believe that they are the victims. You are doing so well and he is just trying all the tricks to stop you. And they choose people like us who are compassionate and want to help as we will put up with so much more in our efforts to fix things. I was having some counselling last year to try and find ways to not let him behavior get to me and I was told quite often that I could not change him, only he could help himself and he never has and he never will. I think that message seeped into my brain because the question then became, do I want to live like this for the rest if my days and I don’t. And I’m sure you don’t either. We don’t deserve to be miserable any longer.

[Shazza]

Yes you are so right, they make themselves out to be the victims. Mine did and does it still if I dare call him out on anything at all. I dared to tell him before I left about some very minor things that he had done (I didn’t dare say any more than that to him) and he played the victim so well, telling me I was constantly on his case amongst other things. But it was all projected back on to me.
I have heard that alot to about it being only them that can make changes and I think that finally clicked for me and I knew it was never gonna happen and I didn’t want to live with that alcoholism and abuse any longer. And yet he still continues to play the victim so well and I am the evil person that has left him high and dry when he needs someone apparently. I wish the guilt trip didn’t work so well cos I can’t help feeling guilty x

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