Me again

[Discombobulated2022]

Hey all. So sorry to comment again. I think you can tell I’m mixed up. And your words help so much.

So he messaged (detail removed by Moderator) and I didn’t even read them. They were apologies and excuses.
(detail removed by Moderator) turns up and adheres fully to boundaries for (detail removed by Moderator) and leaves.

I then message (detail removed by Moderator) later to tell him (detail removed by Moderator)! Why??? Why did I do that!!!? I’m cross with myself. He hurt me so much all I could do was cry this last 24hr . Yet because he does as he asks, I miss him and want him?? That’s insane!?
Is this normal?

[Discombobulated2022]

To add, and I’ve started thinking I made too much of it yesterday

These swinging thoughts and feelings are so confusing and exhausting!

[nbumblebee]

I cant talk about being out cause im not but i do get the is he isnt he do i want him or not swing as i get this all the time.
Whwn he is nice i feel like ive made all this up that im crazy then he starts up again and im like nope there he is.
Its what they do iys why we stay so long they dangle a carrot make us want them need them they male us believe we are the crazy wrong ones.
Trust yourself deep down you know. Xxxx

[Discombobulated2022]

@nbumblebee thank you! So deep down I know it’s wrong and I deserve better but I also miss him and think I still love him? Plus I’m grieving what we won’t have (the happy ever after, grow old together) x*x

[nbumblebee]

Im no expert at all sweetie Im fighting myself and him every day but yeah i do think that if we were truely honest with ourselves and look deepnwe know what they do say is wrong we know we shouldnt be here loving them whilst only getting stress abuse and hurt back we do know that we are just so scared to admit it.
You are most definatly grieving for the life you want you may e even thought you had and the one hou deserve. Its not him you miss its the thought the idea the need for love. Im rubbish at advise and am often wrong but look deep down take some time for you discover understand you just you see what you find.
Big hugs x

[Bananaboat]

As exhausting as it is, it’s perfectly normal. You are trauma bonded, unknowingly addicted to the chemical reactions of the highs & lows and been trained to disregard your own boundaries to get the reward of him being nice. He’s also going through a period of testing you to see if you’re still a viable partner that he can manipulate and control. Be kind to yourself, it’s natural to miss him, miss the good times and what could’ve been’s, that’s normal in any separation but as this was abuse just don’t forget why you separated and the bad times too. Being in your home without him will also mean you’re surrounded by memories and habits so try to get out for walks or change of scenery too for your mind. xx

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