Viewing 12 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #138869
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      Where do i begin… I know he gaslights me or at least it seems highly likely he does. All our issues are my fault so he shouldn’t be the one to work on them until I’ve done what he wants… I do what he wants and he gives me small amounts of attention. He hasn’t wanted to be intimate with me for months. I know i can be difficult sometimes but he barely even wants to look at me. We haven’t had a date in over a year and when we did we went to a local pub and he spent half the time on his phone. He puts me dead last in his priorities. I know hes cheated on me and is still continuing to do so, he wouldn’t even hug me today and chooses to sleep on the sofa away from me. My confidence is at its lowest it’s been in a VERY long time. Nothing I do is ever good enough to keep him happy or I lose motivation to keep up with everything because it’s either exhausting doing it all or I just get depressed because it barely helps. He’s still barely affectionate, when he would get more “affectionate” it would be to just slap my a*s or grab my boob ( I’m not saying i didn’t like that kind of attention but I would have preferred some sweet affection as well as sexual)

      I’m having all these second thoughts and doubts because D day is (detail removed by Moderator)…My family are traveling all the way here with a van to come get me, my daughter and our stuff which includes a few big pieces of furniture and some of the more expensive items in the house and of course all of her stuff and as much of mine as we can manage in the time frame. He thinks i’m going home for a visit for a few days anyway so his son is at the (detail removed by Moderator) for the night anyway as he’s on a late shift and babysitting around his work for his son is covered for the weekend.

      Basically I’m freaking out because I don’t know how to handle what to do when he see’s whats happened and that i’ve left with our baby. He’s going to paint me to be such a villain and make himself the victim. But if I end it with him I know he’ll ask me to stay in the house for a good while until he can sort something and he will drag it out and will ask me to look after the boy and I’ll be left in limbo unable to move on while he continues to flirt with other women and arrange sex then guilt free because he’s single. I know he’s definitely currently cheating on me with at least one person.

      Basically how do you cope with the fallout of D day? Do i turn my phone off? Do I leave a letter? I feel like i need to explain myself because to him and everyone else this is coming out of thin air. Some people know we’ve had problems but for me to just up and leave seems a little extreme when I was the one so eager to try and work things out.

    • #138882
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      đź’• feeling for you

    • #138886
      KIP.
      Participant

      Lie to yourself if you have to. Tell yourself it’s a trial separation. The bottom line is you cannot be reasonable with an abuser because he will twist it round on you no matter what you say or do. The best thing you can go is concentrate on you and your baby. Getting you both out safely. Then use a third party for all communication. Make sure all your ducks are in a row financially and legally and that you’re the resident parent. Get some legal advice and contact your local womens aid for support. The very first time he abused you was when he gave you permission to leave. I know this was feels extreme. He’s cheating on you. That’s the level of respect and love he has for you and it’s only going to get worse x

    • #138896
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      I know I am trying to seek all necessary help, I’m just really scared of how to deal with the reaction? I really hate confrontation and he has a temper which comes out verbally never physically. I just know if we end this in person he will drag out me moving out and pressure me into staying in the area where I have barely any support just to keep him happy. This is what happened last time we broke up a few months ago. I was very hurt and scared and upset but he was STRAIGHT on the dating sites, he didn’t like that I kept talking about moving out and sorting out splitting up financial ties. I just wanted to get out and move on and heal. He wanted his kids under one roof and to not have to worry about what we’d do with the house ( private rent) and having to get a load of new furniture and how he’d explain to his son that they’d have to go through dealing with another broken family. He made me feel bad about the idea of splitting up the kids because boy already has a sibling by other parent he doesn’t see that much.

      I know this is the right thing to do for my own sake and my baby does not deserves to grow up thinking this is an acceptable standard of relationship or see her mother cry often. But I’m constantly filled with anxiety about it, i’m going to hurt and upset a fair amount of people i care about that i can’t even warn whats about to happen in fears it gets back to him.

      I’m really really struggling.

    • #139145
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      So we had to push back a day because of issues with him (removed by moderator) so he’d be in the house.
      he’s been trying to joke around a lot in the past few days… still had the odd outburst where he’s had a go at me. The other morning he woke me up when he got up for work early by coming in the room and turning the light on and using the (removed by moderator) ( hes chose to sleep in a separate room because its more comfy than sharing my bed or so he says)
      then asked me to get him (removed by moderator) as his card wasn’t working, i was half asleep and very annoyed as the baby had been fussy and he said ” (removed by moderator)” … just wow. I’m in touch with a place that’s going to offer me support on arrival and has put me in contact with a solicitor. I’m so lucky for all the support I’ve received just i’m feeling so guilty for getting out as hes stopped using the twitter porn and the dating site i found him on… meaning hes either found a girl hes talking to or a few so doesnt need them or hes trying to be good. I’ve got to remember all hes done and that he will go back to it all and wont ever love me or treat me right. I’m a convenience to him.

      • #139146
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Can you write a list of all the horrible things he’s ever done or said to you and read back over it when you’re feeling doubtful or guilty? Xx

    • #139217
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      I guess maybe, I’m so scared of his reaction. I’m so close to being gone, but I don’t know if i leave my phone on and i was thinking of leaving a letter… Do i let him call me or stick to messages? Do i block his family from trying to contact me as his mothers got a similar temper and is very protective of him and his son ( as far as I know neither of them would use physical violence but I will also be too far away for them to do that…I’ve told the services i’m in touch with I’m also scared of her. He will be home very late evening from his job when I’ve gotten my stuff out. And has been trying to joke around with me recently…How do i deal with the fallout of leaving as I don’t want him thinking I’ve just ran away with our baby. I’m happy to work out contact but there is a fair distance to where I’m going to and neither of us drive but any services I’ve contacted haven’t flagged up the distance as an issue for contact.

    • #139220
      KIP.
      Participant

      Put absolutely nothing in writing. Use a solicitor and womens aid. He will use anything you put down against you. Give him your solicitors number assuming she understands domestic abuse and how abusers will behave. Then there is a procedure for him to follow to gain access. He’s not going to be reasonable and you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Change your number as soon as you can. Use a third party for all communication.

    • #139224
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      I would suggest that you either write a short and to the point note to leave outlining that you are leaving and don’t intend to return and asking that he doesn’t contact (directly or indirectly), and that arrangements will be made for child access through relevant agencies, which you or they inform him about as soon as possible. If it is a paper note then take a photo of it as evidence that you have told him not to contact you.

      If he has email that he checks you could send it via email. Otherwise text or similar. Keep your record of this. Screenshot it as well.

      I would suggest blocking his calls and texts or at least setting it so that you don’t receive notifications of them. Turning the phone off leaves you vulnerable, and you’ll have to turn it on again at sone point. I remember one occasion that I’d turned the phone off so I wouldn’t have to deal with his calls or messages and when I turned it on the phone pinged for an hour or so as thousands of messages and missed call notifications cane through. It literally overheated the phone and I couldn’t use the blooming thing. There are phone bombing apps (I’d never heard of them before, bus apparently abusers quite often enjoy using these to make their presence felt).

      One thing worth doing is turning off any location settings just in case there’s any tracing devices on it.

      If you use Facebook or similar social media apps it’s worth taking these down for now, even if you don’t want to delete them in the longer term. It only takes one friend posting a photo or comment that gives away your location and it could put you in danger, so don’t take any risks. Even though my ex was technically blocked he still seemed able to gather information from my Facebook. Probably via mutual friends but who knows. He also set up lots if false FB profiles and email accounts and managed to be very disruptive via zoom using these false accounts. I learned the hard way not to underestimate his ability to use technology to his advantage. Maybe yours wouldn’t do that, but I’d say play safe and remove the opportunity.

      Have you found all the important documents and any medication and got that stowed away ready?

      GR xx

    • #139267
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      I did it!! I’m safe well away from him.

      I spoke to my solicitor today and he said it was ok to send the message but to leave it as a message so i can prove he read it. (Detail removed by moderator). If i had been alone i might have answered the phone or thought he’d finally been given a big enough shock to the system to finally listen to my feelings but I know it’s not real and having people with me to support me and tell me not to lean into it has helped so much. I feel safe and supported, I feel so empowered for finally standing my ground and doing this even though I’ve been terrified having full blown panic attacks for the past 2 days. I don’t believe any of his pack of lies anymore. He knows I’m with family but he wont risk doing anything stupid as it could effect his son. He’s currently playing the victim and feeling sorry for himself. There is the smallest part of me that feels so guilty and upset that hes upset…but i couldn’t take it anymore.

      Thanks to all the love and support I’ve received doing this I have a happy life in reach for me my baby and our dog. (Detail removed by moderator) and i get to start a new year of my life with a whole new chapter that is still scary and still dont know how this is going to progress but i’m so proud of myself and feel so lucky.

    • #139279
      Watersprite
      Participant

      You should feel proud of yourself a new start for you and your little family! Amazing – you’ve done the hardest part lean on support it’s a journey and there will be bumps that’s normal you did it – yay!

    • #139312
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Fantastic news! Well done!
      Sending love xx

    • #139313
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Phew. I’ve been out today but have thought of you a few times, hoping that you’ve managed to get out.
      No doubt you’ll feel a bit strange and disoriented over the next few weeks / months. I kinda didn’t know what to do with myself at first and was constantly thinking about my ex, wondering if he was okay / scared if what he might be planning and scheming.

      If you’re a reader or like an audiobook I’d highly recommend treating yourself to the Out of the FOG book. And also trying to get signed up on a Freedom Program (I believe you can register for it online for about ÂŁ20. It so, so ,so worth much more than anything you could pay!)

      You’ll continue in my prayers.

      God bless.
      GR x

      The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome x*x

    • #139390
      Anon24062602
      Participant

      He’s been majorly love bombing me, he came to my family town. Scared me with the idea i’d get in trouble for not letting him see our daughter and said he had a legal right to know where she was. I am being civil and trying to be nice and let him spill his heart at me but I have made it clear I do not intend to go back. I haven’t cried at all, my body is showing the stress as my excema is out of control all over me. I fully intend to stay strong and stand my ground that I’m not going back but I want to be able to co- parent for our daughers sake. He’s promised to get help for all his mental health issues and get medicated and therapy. I do believe his toxic behaviours do stem from issues he never had managed and has given him un healthy coping mechanisms like what hew was doing online and he has never had a healthy relationship to know how to treat a woman correctly. I don’t trust that he’s telling me all the truth about what happened. I feel numb to all of this and just want to focus on learning to love myself again. I’ve felt a massive weight lifted from me and I’m safe and comfortable with plenty of support.

      I’m staying strong and not buying into his lies or love bombing. I know if i went back to him currently it would all go back to how it was within a few months. If he seriously changes and gets the much needed help he needs to sort himself out I would only slightly consider it. I know part of me will always love him, he’s the father of my child. But I am NEVER putting myself or my baby in that situation again

Viewing 12 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditions │ Privacy & cookie policy │ Site map │ Protect yourself online│ Media │ Jobs │ Accessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content