Mediation

[Anonymous]

Hello again wonderful ladies,

Thank you for all the advice so far but I am afraid I am in a bit of a pickle. My head is al over the place at the moment and I just need a bit of a slap on the face to get me back to reality.
So long story short, I left, currently in a refuge trying to sort things out. Ex wasn’t bothered about the child and because I haven’t replied to any of his emails/ texts: calls he now wants to be in contact with the child. Called the police eventually (detail removed by moderator) He has started mediation proceedings to which I have agreed. Well actually just to the first assessment but from what I know in cases of DV mediation should not be suitable. Am I wrong ? In my case it’s more a case of emotional abuse rather than physical…
I want no contact but have decided to keep all the emails as I have blocked his number because I don’t have enough evidence .. so I keep trying to gather more. ..
I am just scared and to be fair the more I think about it the more I get scared for the child’s safety as well.
He wants his mum to look after my child as well during his time…
I don’t want contact and thanks to KIP I will sort out a third party and an app or something for contact. But how do you tell the mediators that you don’t want to live in the same town / city with the ex … apparently he wants to be helpful and take the baby whilst I go back to work ..
I don’t want that. My solicitor said that I don’t have to agree to anything (detail removed by moderator).
I have no idea … was it a bad idea to agree to mediation?

[Anonymous]

Also, he keeps sending me emails after emails.. I know I should change the email address but I have all the accounts on it and I know it’s not an excuse .. and after the last one I had I decided I have to do something about it. What can I do ? How do I stop him contacting me ? I am sick and tired of it and just cannot take it anymore. It’s very distressing and it makes me very anxious
I know I am not doing myself any favours by reading them …
I know it’s not an excuse but it is all so fresh and so raw and I am so all over the place.
It also seems from I have researched that the solicitor I have does not care that much either.
I had to apply for UC .. I have never been in this situation before .. and I am not eligible for legal aid until the first payment comes through.. it’s all about the money..
it’s so sad being so helpless …

[littledove]

Hi, I’m sorry I don’t have much experience in this area, Kip will give a far more detailed answer

But from what I know, with having dealt with a family solicitor myself for a short time, is that no, you do not need to agree to mediation where DV was involved, whether it was physical or emotional. As this can give the abuser the opportunity to have a voice and can use this as a way to manipulate the mediator into playing the victim card (as mediators generally aren’t specialised in DV).
Also it’s a further way abusers can cause you distress as it requires the two of you to sit down in a room and discuss and decide between you what you want for your child (as we all know this isn’t possible as he will just want it all on his terms). He will take full control and advantage of the situation. Women’s aid highly discourage the use of mediation where domestic abuse has been involved.

I would either try sort something out through your lawyer, or he will have to take you to court where the power doesn’t lie in his hands. I know this is hard as ultimately it takes the power out of your hands as well. But do you think he would spend the money for court? xx

[littledove]

Also just read your other reply. Ask him to stop contacting you unless it’s only about the baby.
Or could there be a third party that can handle messages about the baby?

And if he continues to message you about things other than the baby phone 101 and tell them you are being harassed by your abusive ex with unwanted contact.

Have you thought of looking into another solicitor?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply littledove. I appreciate it’s quite late..
he always moaned to me about money and I don’t quite know whether he will do it or not. He might , just to get to me even more..
to be fair, to begin with I actually thought that would be good as it would show that he is genuinely interested in the child.. silly me , I guess
I said I wanted I contact and I was advised in the refuge to go for no contact so we actually haven’t established anything with regards to the child. I have tried many a times before actually leaving but I was mocked, belittled , given the silent treatment or simply he seemed to agree but then next day would change his mind .
I said from the start that I would not deny him seeing his child but I want nothing to do with him. After reading , at KIP’s recommendation, the book about Dad hurting mom though.. I am starting to doubt my initial decision and also him changing his mind doesn’t help either. Saying that he just wants to see him, then he wants custody ..
dunno..
it’s so complicated. You leave and then .. all the information, and if you don’t have the proper advice ..
I will have to change the solicitor but I have to wait as I cannot afford one at the moment. And emotional abuse is hard to prove
He’s not had one night alone with the child so far and I am scared of that as well. He can be quite a heavy sleeper .. even before I left he wanted to show off or something I don’t know but he was asking (detail removed by moderator) even though he was tired after being at work.. falling asleep during the feed .. I was there then..
I am absolutely terrified

[Anonymous]

And that’s just the thing. How do I establish a third contact party if I am to have no contact? Through the solicitor that told me that no contact is impossible as we share the child .. ? So yes , I will have to look into another solicitor. It’s all very new to me but I would’ve thought that speaking to a solicitor should be daunting , depressing and confusing, should it ?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, shouldn’t be depressing… I am tired .

[Eggshells]

A third party contact is often a friend or relative who agrees to be his contact for childcare issues only. So instead of contacting you to arrange a pick up time, you might give details of dates and times to a sister or friend of yours and he contacts them.

It has many advantages. You don’t have to talk to him and he can’t try to manipulate you into changing things.

Please do change solicitor. This one sounds awful. Even if you can’t afford to do that yet, you can phone around. I changed my solicitor very late in the proceedings. I rang around and asked blunt questions e.g “How would you handle……?” I found a really good one in the end.

Also, please consider stopping the mediation. It is not recommended. Mediators often don’t understand domestic abuse and will do nothing to protect you from manipulative behaviour. They can actually act as unintentional flying monkeys because a skilled abuser will manipulate the mediator.

You need to get a MIAM. These can be downloaded from the government website. Once you have it, you arrange to see the mediator on your own (no partner) and the mediator signs the form to say that mediation isn’t appropriate. When I got my form signed, the mediator tried to persuade me to try mediation which illustrated the lack of understanding perfectly! Your solicitor should have explained all of this to you.

Mediation is significantly cheaper than a solicitor so he is less likely to pursue custody if he actually has to pay for it through legal proceedings. You’ll need to hold your nerve as he will push you to your limits!

I changed my email address to stop the harassment. I’d been putting it off because everything was linked to my email address and it seemed like it would take more effort than I had the energy for. In the end, it took a very focused afternoon and I got it all done. In most cases, it was as simple as logging into my accounts and simply changing contact details. I then went through my contact list and let close friends and relatives have my new email address. Once I’d done that, I left the email address open on my sisters pc so I’d have a record of any continued harassment but I took it off all of my own devices. To this day, I’ve never bothered to check the old account. Once I stopped receiving contact from him I honestly couldn’t have cared less about what was dropping into the old inbox. I just needed it to stop.

I know all of this seems really hard but you just have to keep pushing forward. The effort will pay off. Remember your self care. I know even that can seem a real effort but it will help you to stay strong.

We’re here on the forum whenever you need to talk. We all know it’s not easy. Sometimes it just helps to be able to come on to the forum even if it’s just to say you’re struggling. Stay strong. xx

[ISOPeace]

I would also add that even if he doesn’t intentionally try to manipulate the mediation (although it’s highly likely that he will) any contact (good or bad) with him can mess with your head and reinforce the trauma bond. No contact gives you the space you need to heal. xxxx

[Anonymous]

Like I said before , I couldn’t do this without you… thank you ever so much for all the advice. 🤗🤗🤗

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid if you haven’t already. The can support you a d will have a wealth of information for you too. Build a support team round you from WA to solicitor to GP.

[Author]

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