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I went to mediation with my abuser and reached an agreement
the result now being that the system supports the abuser …
(detail removed by moderator)…if I don’t agree im threatened
He has reneged on every point and then again on ones hes renaged on …but I cant just take him to court …Ive had enough but I cant just walk away as The system …housing, tax credits etc wont support me if I just walk away from the financial settlement…I have been trapped like this for (detail removed by moderator) months
its costing me (detail removed by moderator) a week in legal fees ….which questions his financial situation being able to afford itHelp….. the Anxiety panic attacks suicidal thoughts are back …my life is not my own because of the financial costs hes causing me …..
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Hey there, I tried everything but nothing works. These men will never give us anything unless the court makes them. It might cost more in the short term but I can only see court as a good thing to finalise things. I got messed round and he lied and delayed and made a ridiculous ‘offer’. I would take my chances in court.
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Women’s aid do not recommend mediation with an abuser. They see it as an opportunity to continue their behaviour. Give the helpline a ring for advice and ensure your solicitor knows he’s an abuser. The court can award him your costs if they deem him to have been unreasonable in not agreeing. My ex used to threaten to take me to court and leave me with nothing. He made me fear court because he knew the court would be appauled by his behaviour. In my opinion it’s a big bluff. I wasted X years and money on solicitors letters which are not worth the paper they’re written on. We can’t talk about court on here but if you want to personal message me I’m happy to share my experience.
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ok so update ….made demands for money, and agreed having and reneged on twice again his week ….
nothing is worth the paper its written on and it costs 300 pounds an hour to write the stuff
now only option is court and to expect an 18 month process….
along with the use of the process to rubbish me publically
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That’s the route I’m going down. Speak to women’s aid and get a solicitor who has experience of dealing with abusers. Don’t waste money on letters going backwards and forwards (just like mediation). Not worth the paper they’re written on. Stick to the facts. 18 months might feel like a long time but think about how much time and money wasted already. And your solicitor can deal with his nonsense, that’s what they’re paid for. The alternative is to accept an outrageous ‘offer’ and walk away. I can’t do that. I’ve got to the stage where I’m standing my ground. He’s showing his true colours but in my opinion they won’t go away anyway so we might as well fight for what’s ours just now. Don’t be afraid of court. My ex always used that as a threat. I will take you to court and force the sale of the house bla bla bla. Court can be the answer to your problems. Making everything legal so he can’t then change his mind or the goal posts. Sad to say but it’s a route some of us have no choice but to go down or be dragged down in my case. Most solicitors offer free legal advice so visit a few of them that are recommended by women’s aid. Abusers might threaten and bully us but it’s a different story when you involve the law. Stay strong. Try to distance yourself emotionally and stick to the facts X
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KIP gives good advice.
I would also keep a written record of everything dealing you have with him. Every agreement. Every silence. Every correspondence.
Everything you have done to try and keep with the agreement.
You also become a bad record stating you tried mediation and whilst you upheld your end he didn’t.
If the courts insist on mediation ask for shuttle mediation. -
Hi I have everything in writing as its all done through the legal system … that’s what makes it so farcical, costing me stupid amounts of money and why I refer to mediation and agreements not worth the paper they are written on,
My ex husband changes his mind every other day at the moment and sends threatening solicitors letters to try and give into his demands.
I cannot write the full details on here for obvious reasons.
this is all part of the behaviour that was my life ….constant bullying and threatening behaviour to keep me in my place, now being played out with legal support -
If mediation doesn’t result in an agreement over finances that can then be agreed by both and signed and ratified in court then its been tried and shown to fail. Your mediator can provide a statement to that effect and it can stop and then its back to too and fro solicitors. It’s a process that sometimes needs to happen.
No point flogging a dead horse and pouring money at it if it’s not going to work.
I’d suggest talk to mediator and solicitor and say it’s not working and then go into next step. It feels such a slow battle like walking through frozen treacle and sometimes I think we end up doing things as someone has a checklist and flow diagram and we just get moved along it with no human thoughts at all.
He sounds a bit like my ex – my solicitor was on the receiving end of his abuse too – she was an expert in abuse divorves in my county but he still got to her – she never referred to him by name… just called him that evil little man.
Keep positive. You’re doing great! Sending huge hugs xx -
we had an agreement at mediation written up by the mediator… then theres this little thing called without prejudice
so when we wrote the order up to send to court …he came back with a totally different version which he presented to his solicitor …..and they initially refused to accept my version until I forwarded to his solicitor the final mediation document -
Aaarghhh!! I sense your frustration starchild and can identify with how you feel. Mine starred every flipping letter or email saying without prejudice as he thought it would mean couldn’t be used in court – solucitor put him straight.
Log everything – every note every email every letter he sends to solicitor and don’t be afraid to share.
If you’ve not had a 20-30 min overpriced catch up face to face with your solucitor recently then it might be worth doing it just to set a plan for next month or more and actions /plans – what you can do and what solicitor needs to do.
I bet you feel its all pretty hopeless at the moment but you will get there x*x -
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