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    • #54414
      eask
      Participant

      I was finally brave enough to leave my, now ex (detail removed by moderator). I know I should have done it years ago but I was scared that things would get worse before they get better…. they did, I had to call the Police as he made threats etc.

      Things have been quiet for a while, I actually felt like I was moving on. Not jumping at any sudden noise, checking the chain is on every two minutes and constantly looking over my shoulder.

      Now I’ve received a letter saying my ex has attended mediation as he wants 50% custody of our children. I am terrified, I vomited when I read it. He has threatened our children and to take them abroad on several occasions. I am petrified of being in the same room but scared that if I don’t attend it will look badly on me (detail removed by moderator) has anyone been through anything similar?? Thanks in advance!

    • #54421
      maddog
      Participant

      I had exactly the same. It is wretched but it is normal. I hope you are not going through this alone. Mediation is thought to be a really bad idea with an abuser, as I found out. I went to the first mediation. My husband was of course Mr Perfect. An issue came up and I questioned him at home and realised it would be a waste of time dealing with a liar.

      Do not be afraid to make a statement to the police. You can do this without your husband knowing and without any involvement from him. I had to do this because I was terrified that if the police weren’t actually going to take my husband away, his behaviour would become worse. He has been investigated and doesn’t know it.

      Since then, I have found out that my husband has been raging at other people, terrifying them to the point of calling the police.

      Please get yourself and your children as much external support as you can muster.

      • #54562
        eask
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply and sorry you have had a horrible time too!

        I am really worried that my ex will act like Mr Perfect too! Did you end up completing the mediation?

    • #54451
      cupcakes
      Participant

      I would say don’t do it…. I tried and it was horrendous it made me so poorly I was having heart palpitations the week leading up to it my anxiety was so bad and even though we were in separate rooms I was under so much stress. I felt he manipulated the mediator. The police are now involved with me and told me not to go again… I don’t think you have to go

      • #54563
        eask
        Participant

        Thanks for the advice! That is exactly what I am worried about…he is so manipulative and can put on the charm.

        My heart races literally at the thought of mediation but I have been told by a few people that it will look badly on me if it goes to (detail removed by moderator).. did you experience this?

    • #54460
      Ayanna
      Participant

      As a victim of abuse you do not have to attend mediation.
      The family court knows this.
      Stand your ground and fight hard.

    • #54565
      maddog
      Participant

      I went once to appear agreeable. Never again. My husband is furious about it. That’s too bad. More £££££ but at least not the lies and manipulation to deal with. My husband’s mask is slipping although he will fight to keep it there. He lies and lies and he’s good at it.

    • #54616
      WeAreStardust
      Participant

      A person with parental responsibility cannot take their children to live abroad unless they have the consent of everyone else with parental responsibility, most likely just the other parent. If he did so it would be child abduction so I wouldn’t worry about that. If a parent has full or shared custody they can take their children abroad on holiday for up to 28 days. This is my understanding of it.
      Mediation is a voluntary thing and no one can force you to attend. In normal circumstances the family courts would want you to have attended mediation first but if you are a victim/survivor of domestic abuse that is completely different. You can apply for legal aid, that is if you can prove it I suppose.
      Hope this helps.

    • #74094
      purplecat
      Participant

      I am facing this (detail removed by moderator) and i am arming myself with as much knowledge as possible. Please look up Women’s Aid document called Child First – 19 Child Homicides and also direction 12. If you have a Women’s centre or domestic abuse service locally then talk to them to. You should be offered just an initial assessment to start with and if you are clear and not emotional (flipping hard work I know) about just what has happened to you then you should not be made to be in the same room as them and they may offer shuttle mediation which is the two of you in separate rooms. However any mediator who knows their stuff will recognise that mediation being based on trust and goodwill will break down and is impossible in a situation where domestic abuse has happened. Try to remain calm and focused on your children, however it cannot be denied is intrinsically linked to all the abuse you suffered. You can guarantee he will come across as charming and in that very knowledge you have power, just work out how to use it. Best of Luck x

    • #74113
      diymum@1
      Participant

      If you want to look impartial -call WA they can write to th court explainin that you can’t mediate when someone is trying to gain power over your. As above when we go go for custody practice direction 12j is a document passed by the ministry for justice (james Munby) you should have a look at UNICEF too(your child’s rights are written there) he went get 50% custody – there are ways you can prove he’s an abuser and that’s by stating the tactics he’s using and how it’s affecting the kids -so this has to be done without u in the picture. This is because the lawyer and your ex will use the old chestnut parental alienation! So trip to the GP you go in first and explain the situation then ur child if old enough to explain how she/he feels. You could logg the effects of contact in a journal (so bed wetting, nightmares, panic attacks, not able to sleep, affecting concentration at school, anger out bursts, withdrawal) any change. Your child could keep a diary directly relating to how the feel. There are also documents your child can fill in with a trusted person (without ur presence) so helping hands form, a therapist could write a dialogue with your child and send it to the judge via a solicitor xx sounds a lot but I stopped contact by doing this xx hope this helps love diymum xx

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