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    • #59860
      fridges
      Participant

      (date removed by moderator) I met my two good friends ( girls) for the lunch time. We suppose to meet just girls, but one of them likes the guy and invited to join us. By the time I came they had quite a lot of drinks due to the celebration. I saw this guy in the group before one time, and already then felt that something is not all ok with him. Kind of already decided it is better not to meet or cross him again, did not find jokes appropriate, very sexualised.
      This time it went even worse – his jokes became even worse since last time and he is allowing himself too much. Couple times I have stopped him, but he carried on to bully me not in the respectful way, clearly not respecting my position or allowing himself to make such joke.
      For me it was insulting – I came in the traditional outfit, quite modest. It was a big celebration for me.
      And I found myself in the situation – where he just bombarding me with sexual jokes about me, in front of my friends.
      First I did not know what to answer – on the joke how often do you masturbate? or you look like you did not have sex for a long time.
      My sexual life is not your concern.
      My friends also made him to stop couple times and noticed that he is just pushing me.
      Other thing what he did – when I was eating, he made a video of me on his phone.
      I asked him to delete – he showed me deleted gallery that is gone. But in fact he was lying.
      He kept this video and resend to his girlfriend.
      This I was told later by my good friend, as she caught him later that day with this video.
      When greeting and saying goodbye – he was not accepting my handshaking and wanted to give me a kiss and hug.
      I said clearly I do not kiss.
      Anyway – this meeting left me feeling low about myself, that someone think he can push me like that.
      I told my friends that I will not be willing to come for the meeting with them, if this guy will be around.
      I do not want anything to do with him or to be in the same company again, to me he has no class at all.
      How you would deal with such situation if you were me? I’m often shy, and too patient with people, which it does not do any good to me.
      I do not think he is respecting me at all.

    • #59862

      That’s awful fridges. Really awful.
      To be honest and this is just my view – I would signal in some way (even in writing) that you wish to have no further contact with him – feel harassed and that if it happens on a further occasion you will report it to the police.
      That might sound harsh, but that thing about videoing you without your consent is completely unacceptable.
      I’m not offended by the way if the idea of that does not appeal.

      Alternatively, totally rise above it if you can – and give him the silent treatment.
      No contact?
      sorry you had to experience this. It seems that some blokes in social situations think that women can be exposed to anything without repercussions. If this were a pub or restaurant you could at least complain to the landlord landlady about sexist behaviour. With a view to getting the guy banned if he does it again..
      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #59864
      KIP.
      Participant

      I would probably have made an excuse and left if his behaviour continued. Saying I felt sick. I still hate confrontation. I would never allow myself to be in his company again. If your friends invite him over again then you simply leave. Videoing you is totally wrong. If I was his girlfriend I would not be happy. Please don’t let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace. Take this experience as a painful lesson and learn from it. We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. I think perhaps his behaviour has triggered you. Brought back unpleasant memories and feelings but you’re stronger now.x

    • #59866
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello, freedomtochoose,
      thank you very much for a response.
      I made a not on my phone, how to deal with him. And the decision I made – there would be no further meetings for me at all. And I will make my two friends aware of it.
      If by any chance I need to face him again – I would say to his face – more in a strict way, one more cheap joke comes my way – I will report as a harassment.
      I stopped him many times and he just carried on and on, not knowing the limit.
      From my side – I will do – I prevent all possible situations not to have anything to do with him.
      If he behaves this way seeing me for the second time in life and goes to such limits. That it is already says to me, he has no respect to me, and it will not make him feel even more.
      This happened in the restaurant, on the terrace and my friends speaking other language, it was not in English.
      This behaviour to me is not acceptable at all.

      X

    • #59867
      fridges
      Participant

      There is other thing what he did, he went to the toilet. Came back and put hands on my shoulders to do a massage, I have just jumped and said to stop. I do not like when someone invades my space like this. Specially after the rape which happened to me.

    • #59868
      fridges
      Participant

      @Kim, I think so, it must have been a trigger for me – I was sexualised as an object. He did not respect my religious celebration either or that I was even wearing traditional outfit for this day.
      He was intimidating me in all possible way – which I have tried to stop very hard. He just pushed me and pushed me. And I do not like to be pushed.
      I had with both abusers in my life in the past – not accepting when to stop, ignoring me on this matter. I felt kind of dirty after this meeting.
      But good thing – I’m not letting this happen again.

    • #59869

      Well done fridges. Awful how in social situations blokes think they can do this.
      It needs to stop.
      Appreciate KIPs point about trying not to let it disturb your inner peace.
      I see elements of this kind of behaviour too.
      I was dancing with my friend yesterday which sometimes helps me get out of my head as I have nice memories attached to the music.
      A bloke tried to cut in – and obviously felt entitled to dance with me, in an aggressive way.
      Luckily my friend and I just looked at each other along the lines of ‘what on earth is this bloke doing…’ and the bloke stopped and drifted off.

      Don’t know how I would have felt if my friend hadn’t been supportive and there for me though.

      We are entitled to all take our place in the world, it is hard enough for us to go out into social situations isn’t it to start with.

      Well done you, for doing that and being brave enough to get out there. Also brilliant that you put something nice on to wear and dressed appropriately. Be proud. You did well. Why should someone like this spoil the whole occasion for you.
      all best

      ftc
      x

    • #59914
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Fridges,

      This guy sounds absolutely awful, really sorry to hear you experienced this. It sounds like he was trying to flirt with you and test your boundaries and his behaviour was totally gross, offensive and inappropriate. I am familiar with men like that and they always act like we’re overeacting when we dislike it. You’re not overeacting, his behaviour is completely off and the fact that you noticed it all and posted on here shows you have healed a lot as you are no longer willing to tolerate this kind of behaviour.

      Definitely refuse to socialise in this group if he is there again and if these celebrations are for you, make it clear that he is not invited and remove yourself from his presence if he turns up anywhere. Go hard line and refuse to tolerate him anymore. And don’t feel bad, guilty or rude (he will probably try to make you feel like this) because all you’re doing is maintaining a healthy boundary and protecting yourself from someone who sounds extremely dodgy.

      Sorry you went through this, it sounds very violating and horrible, I even think the video you without consent is actually illegal, and the trying to massage you is absolutely vile as well as the crude sexual jokes. Do not feel bad in the slightest about removing this man from your social circle and also make it clear to your friends that you don’t tolerate people like him so that they don’t enable and make excuses for him.

    • #59918

      well said SRF that I feel helps us all.
      I have to say also I have a daughter quite young and we grown up women
      if we stand up to this rubbish are helping younger women also to stay safe.
      thanks everyone and the moderator for keeping us all safe and future generations
      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #59960
      fridges
      Participant

      Thank you for the support:)
      @kim @freedomtochoose @sunshinerainflower

      I spoke to my friend and she said no problem, she will make sure, we will not be in the same company. As when he is drunk, he is not behaving normally.
      Young women need the support, my mother never spoke to me about such topics.
      I just think he behaves this way in public, with many people around. In person it means it will go 100 times worse.
      I want to be respected and my boundaries respected too. I’m glad that I have expressed to my friends that this is not with what I will be dealing in the future. Feeling good about me.

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