Meltdown, want to sob

[Anonymous]

My abuser was a drunk who kept a responsible job. He has since passed alcohol testing (detail removed by Moderator) and I saw him cycling recently. He was never active, he used to get home from work, drink, smoke, eat and sleep.
He’s blaming me (detail removed by Moderator) for how he was and is trying to prove I am mentally ill and can’t look after our children.
I asked to be assessed when I was with him because of the repeated saying I was mentally ill. Then my family joined in. The doctor didn’t diagnose me but said I may once as (detail removed by Moderator) had a personality disorder linked to child abuse. He now refers to it as proof of me being ill and says the only reason I haven’t got a proper diagnosis is becauzs I’m manipulative.
Seeing him clean up his act doesn’t make me happy for the kids. It’s breaking me. He didn’t do it when I put everything I had in to helping. I’ve lost so much and now I am getting the blame for how he is. I can’t see how I can win this one

[Anonymous]

It’s usually how these men are with their children, but when you leave them they suddenly become daddy daycare. Yeah! I wouldn’t worry too much on what he is saying. He’s trying to use something against you that probably isn’t relevant now.

(detail removed by Moderator) If he has said you are manipulative and unwell etc then he’ll need to prove it. If he can’t then it will be deemed as hearsay. Any texts or emails etc you recieve of him you should keep.

It’s common for the abuser to accuse the victim of being mentally unwell and an unfit parent when in fact they are the ones that aren’t stable.
Whatever issues you have had when you were a child will not be able to be used against you, unless he can PROVE that you still have these issues now and they are effecting your children.

Highly unlikely he will fill custody, so please don’t worry about that. Whatever decisions are made will be in the best interests of your children and (detail removed by Moderator) will always put that first.

In the meantime you should try and think of any evidence you may have to show (detail removed by Moderator) your exes abusive nature. And if you have ever felt abit low in the past, it may well be down to your abusers behaviour against you. You can raise that.

Keep calm (detail removed by Moderator) and let him reveal who he really is. Don’t react to him at all. If he sees his behavior isn’t getting to you then he’ll more than likely slip up anyway. Sending hugs xx

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Waterfairy
I’m sorry to hear about this.
Sorry to ask you questions straight from the off but I was wondering when reading- what support do you have in place. Do you have a solicitor representing you? What advice have they given?
What other support do you have in place, e.g. do you have a local domestic abuse support worker, have you spoken with your GP recently, are social services involved etc?

I’m with you Waterfairy, I get it. It’s a game, it’s all about Power and Control.

Let’s get our heads together and see what support you’ve got in place and if there are any gaps and anything that can practically be done/accessed.

In the meantime, do take a step back- hard to do I know but this is a process- it’s a long game. I know that’s so frustrating. Step back, take some time out and focus on that relationship and bond with the children. Make that your key focus- not saying that you don’t already but really ensuring that they are getting some quality time with you to connect and share. Easy for me to say I know but I am speaking from experience.

Soulsearcher

[Anonymous]

I do have a solicitor but as it’s legal aid it’s very limited support and advice.
I was in a refuge and had a support worker there but no support now I’ve been housed.I font want to keep speaking to my GP at the moment as I worry how it will look as he wants a letter from them (detail removed by Moderator). And social services aren’t involved.
I spoke to victim support this week, I’ve got a counsellor,
I think I’ve done all I can for accessing support but I still don’t feel supported if that makes sense?

[Scapegoat]

Water fairy, I hope you’re ok. These men do like to twist things don’t they. You’re not mental, you’re the victim of abuse and no doubt a decent, caring mother.
My friend has just gone through the same thing:(detail removed by Moderator) I know there are some women who claim abuse but for heavens sake you’re not going to go to Refuge for the sake of it. I would talk to yourGP, express your concerns and why.
I hope everything works out for you, take care 💕

[Anonymous]

I agree with Scapegoat. Go and speak to your GP and tell them how this abuse has made you feel. Get something on paper for you. Your health is paramount to your children’s at the the of the day and all of this seems to be really effecting you. And what he’s doing now is continuous abuse to you. (detail removed by Moderator) Xx

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Waterfairy
I think that it is really important that you continue to have someone to talk to openly through this, you have every right to.
Does your local women’s aid not offer an outreach support worker now that you are out of refuge?
It may be worthwhile checking out what services are in your local area using the womens aid directory- if you haven’t done so already. The link is below:

Domestic Abuse Directory

There is also rightsofwomen.org.uk for legal advice – if you go to ‘get advice’ and then family law you will find the helplines and the times they are open. You may find it useful to speak to them if you don’t feel that you can call upon your solicitors- they may be able to guide you in what to ask your solicitors etc. They may be able to give you time to explain things to you.

You can also speak to an adviser through the Domestic Abuse helpline too, you can email women’s aid (you can give them more specific advice on your area and details of your case etc than you can on here and they can perhaps help you to find useful services) and you can use webchat. I know the helpline can be difficult to get through to but I think possibly calling late on at night might be a better time possibly?

Domestic Abuse Directory

My sense is it’s about you getting in there first and taking control of the situation and not allowing him to make you feel like he’s in the driving seat. You are the residing parent, you will have all the links with school, doctors, healthcare, clubs, friends etc-use that to your advantage. Touch base and check in with all these professionals reaffirm any positives with them- if there are any challenges, anything that needs work, agree a plan with them- get support in place. I know it is really difficult especially when managing the prospect of family court and a busy household but please don’t buy into his b******t – like you said he’s only started to do this minus the pressure of actually having his children reside with him, he wasn’t able to get his act together with the pressure and demands of family life. It has nothing to do with you and your mental health- it has everything to do with his need for power and control

You should feel able to speak to your GP and access support for what is naturally going to be a stressful situation, you should be able to speak to them about what has happened in the relationship and be able to put across your side of the case to them. The fact that you have already been to them and requested support regarding your mental health because of his narrative is potentially useful evidence – I hope that they recorded exactly that for you. That said, I do understand your nervousness with regard to the situation but perhaps if you could speak to a domestic abuse adviser you could speak about this in more detail and get some reassurance around this. If you ever feel like you need support though Waterfairy, don’t let all of this stop you from talking to your GP. At the end of the day, it is his abuse that can potentially affect your mental health and you need to be able to discuss and get support for this if you experience it.

He’s got a long road ahead to prove his point Waterfairy. You do too though and increasing your support network is really important in order to get you through it. Just a suggestion- don’t be afraid to ask the powers that be if you feel that you need an advocate present, e.g. if you want someone professional, or a trusted person to sit in with you at a GP appointment, or if you want support at family court, e.g. an outreach domestic support worker.

Hope I’m not suggesting/telling you things that you already know, appreciate you may already know all of the above already. Hope to hear how you get on.

Soulsearcher

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