memories

[Worrywart]

hi i’m having a bad day today, keep crying on and off remembering the good times again …there are so many memories only today the good is at the forefront of my mind …why does life have to be so hard 🙁 also i still can’t believe he has just walked away after 2 decades with me …. i recon he will be happy now hes with her because if he wasn’t he would be trying to worm his way back in with me and he has not spoke one single word to me 🙁

[fizzylem]

Hey WW, these kind of days are tough for sure, trying to get through, but needed. I do think it’s important to be with how you feel don’t you? However that is. To process how you feel and why. Sounds to me like you are mourning the loss today.

I think what helped me turn a corner was when I started to feel I was taking some control over my life and choices. I know from previous posts you’ve been struggling financially, wonder if you have been able to start to think how you might change this yet? If you can? Only taking time to think about how you would like things to be can help you to start to form a plan, it takes a bit of time and comes in dribs and drabs until you have it clear in your mind of the goals you want to achieve, but I found that once I had this plan envisaged, everything from this point has been about working towards making this happen, and this period, after the mourning, is much better. It switched my focus from him onto me.

There will likely be a number of things you’d like to change and in a number of areas of your life, because this is how these relationships leave us hey, flat with nothing left, wiped out, it may be that you can start on one? If you have one idea clear in your head that is. E.g, maybe its to get fitter or something like?

I also found that once I had this plan, and have been working towards it, I am no longer interested at all in what he is doing and his life. I really do think this is a big part of the healing for us – get the life you want.

Mourn for as long as you need flower, be with the pain, I mean (detail removed by moderator) years is a hell of a long relationship isn’t it, it will take time to adjust to not having him in your life wont it, but also adding to that mix is the abuse to process as well, but also try to be mindful when it is one of those times you feel able to do something else for you – preferrably something that doesn’t involve him being in your thoughts! You need to take a break from mourning as well of course, just by being with others for a cupper, anything else really – so you don’t slip too low and it starts to feel unmanageble.

I wrote letters, poem, lists to help me get it all out and process the emotions and this def helped, helped me to get past it.

I read this yesterday, has helped me loads today to be reminded me of this truth…

‘Dont get upset with people or situations, both are powerless without your reaction’. It is our own thoughts that give the emotion its power xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there WW, it’s okay to have a bad day, they will happen I’ve learned. And they will pass again, minute by minute time keeps passing.
We will never really know for certain how any other human being feels or what they are thinking, we can hope they are being honest but abusers and honesty doesn’t really seem to go hand in hand. I’ve been having premonitions lately, this feeling that he has found someone else. Nothing has been told to me or shown to me that would tell me this, I just have this feeling that he might be with someone else. And it hurts deeply just to be thinking this without any proof (nor do I want proof, I really do not want to know as I’m afraid of the answer and how badly it might hurt), so you have my full sympathy with the hurt you must be feeling in this. It speaks volumes about what kind of man he is to abandon decades so easily without any display of remorse or grief for that relationship and jumping straight into another one. To me this sounds like a man who can’t be alone, it doesn’t sound like someone who is happy. You gave this relationship all your love and care and compassion – I bet you couldn’t just throw yourself straight into another relationship, get engaged and move in together while abandoning your children. The actions are just absurd when you look at it from the outside. Just because he hasn’t spoken a word to you directly, doesn’t mean he hasn’t spread information to you though and those acts are not the acts of a man who is happy. When we are happy, why would we seek to spread informtation through our children to hurt our ex partner? We wouldn’t. We would just be in the present, be in the happiness. If he did try to worm his way back to you now, how would that make you feel? Would you want him back? Would you feel you could trust him? I ask myself these questions a lot when I miss my ex. And I can’t ever trust him again, he lied to the police, to the courts, to mutual friends, to family, he lied to everyone. It’s really unpleasant thinking of the bad they did to us but I find it effective in shutting down the fantasies of him coming back and making it all okay again. Because really, under no circumstances could he ever make everything okay again.
Have you tried mindfulness? I lilsten to a lot of different ones on YouTube, sometimes as relaxation before I go to bed, sometimes during the day just to calm myself. In a lot of them it’s mentioned to love ourselves and I really struggle with that bit but it’s needed. We have to give that love to ourselves, not to them.

[Faraway]

You are definitely grieving WW! It sux I know. The range of emotions we go through with grief makes us feel so unstable. Today is just a sad day for you. I’m no expert but I’m told to let the emotions come and then go because if we block it out it delays the grieving process. You won’t feel like this every day. We swing between anger, sadness, hurt, numbness, moments of happiness. We all can’t wait to get off this roller coaster can we! Hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

[Flowerchild]

He probably is doing “happy” at the moment and is certainly not suffering the way you are, darling. But that’s because he just isn’t capable of the deep feelings of attachment that you have. Out of sight, out of mind, until the new partner wises up and he needs a soft place to fall.

Just make sure you step safely aside if that happens.

Flower x

[Worrywart]

thank you so much Ladies ….xx

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