Memories

[Daff]

Its strange how the mind works, how didn’t i understand what was happening when it was happening. I can’t believe i allowed it happen to me, i can’t believe how much i used to believe everything was my fault, that i questioned what i knew was the truth after i was asked over and over again was i sure. He was able to manipulate what i did, how things were done. I start to think i have started to move forward then something happens and sets me back. But when i sit back and look at whats different, i can see i have moved forward. I have friends not many but all i need are the ones who are there for me. I have a long way to go and i understand that things are happening and that unexpected things are going to happen and take me back. But i need to think about things that i have done. I don’t feel at this point i ever want to be in physical relationship again after the things that happened all i want is to feel safe and happy in my own home and every day i move closer to it. My friends listen to me but i don’t think they will ever fully understand and its hard to think there are so many others who have been through and are still going through living in an environment that they understand or don’t understand is safe them physically or mentally but being to talk about things and knowing im not going mad and that i didn’t deserve it helps. Today is a day i feel like im worth fighting for and writing it will hopefully mean i remember this feeling when i need it. Heres to a safe future for me and my family and everyone else

[Hawthorn]

You are definitely worth fighting for Daff xx
It’s such a difficult stage, looking with the benefit of wisdom and hindsight at what happened to you. I know I also blamed myself for “allowing” the abuse to happen. But it’s so insidious we don’t see it until, like the frog in the cooking pot, we are being slowly boiled alive. The abuse was done to us, and is/ was not our fault, but I found acknowledging the shame and guilt I had for “putting myself” through the abuse was important, and I needed to forgive myself. Hindsight is 20/20, and when it was happening I hadn’t the understanding or the language to describe what was happening to me. I just knew I was depressed and anxious, when I was really miserable and terrified, and I had been brainwashed into believing it was all my fault.

You have made, and are continuing to make, huge steps forward. When the clarity of understanding abuse comes I also wanted to save everyone else, I saw it everywhere. Focus your strength just now on saving yourself first and foremost. You deserve peace and freedom. Sending a big hug xx

[Daff]

I was anxious all the time worried about what i was going home to. If he’d had a bad day it would be my fault something i had said or done, or even being told something reminded him of something that happened with me years ago. I would always be thinking what can i do different to make sure that his day was good. I asked every single day how was his day going but never got asked once. Its hard to understand why i couldn’t see what was going on but he would manipulate things so i would question things. In the end he didn’t even have to say anything i would automatically believe it was my fault. I didn’t even realise what had been going on until i left, but i left because of him becoming abusive in a sexual way. It was like he knew he could control me mentally and was moving onto his next stage. Im trying to concentrate on the future now not the past and one step at a time. I do understand that its not my fault but at times the question still pops up in my head if i had done things differently would he have been different. Realistically i know the answer is no but sometimes it doesn’t seem that simple

[Eggshells]

Hi Daff,

It’s so easy to see in hindsight isn’t it? I agree that when you are out of the FOG of abuse it’s all too easy to wonder how we didn’t see it. That is it exactly though; they create this FOG which is impossible to see through. It is deliberate and designed to stop us seeing what is really going on. They normalise the behaviour through it’s gradual escalation. It starts in a really minimal way so that you don’t notice and then it builds and builds over the decades, so gradually that you don’t notice.

You are worth fighting for. You can have a whole new life ahead now – you deserve that. So yes, fight for the life you want and deserve. xx

[Author]

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