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    • #41930
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Sorry but it’s how he has made me feel, just the mere thought of being near a man, let alone being sexual makes me feel “has he really damaged me that badly” honest answer is yes I truly think he has. He didn’t rape me but he never made me feel like it was making love, he just was so vile sexual lying that now away I look back & feel I was just an object to satisfy his needs, like an unpaid prostitute. He would insist on sex even when I’d been in severe pain, he truly did not care & carried on regardless! His sexual exposure was intimidating & threatening, I would say no, be scared I’d said no as knew I would be punished for it, then I’d often wake up to him having penetrated me. I used to lay there and I know it’s wrong but just let him! By this point after years of his abuse which had become daily, I felt like a scared child again, dreaded the scoldings, felt like that scared kid again who always got hurt & yelled at, didn’t want him near me as it has been sex under forced pressure & threats. He used to disgustingly expose himself & say “do you want some fn c*** no you don’t like fn c*** do you” he said it aggressively & would also say “you fn well will be having some c*** later! He repeated a hundred times over ” I’ll get a newer model, there’s plenty of women out there who would want my fn c***! He started grabbing me roughly through my clothes at my breasts, so hard it really hurt & I could not hide the pain, he’d then tell me I was pathetic. I was told he needed sex 6+ times a day & it was my duty to perform & give him what he wanted, if I did not then he would get it elsewhere, that it was OK if anyone wasn’t getting it at home to sleep with prostitutes. He purposely kept his finger nails long, square & cut like razors, when I winced in pain I was told I was pathetic. He used to have problems getting an erection & would tell me it was entirely my fault, he also ejaculated quickly & would say “oh dear, it’s your fault, you don’t fn well open your legs often enough” He got vile most days over anything he could turn into sexual intimidation, I would maybe be eating strawberries he’d say, I’ve got some nice thick cream I’ll put on those for you. He joined dating websites & purposely look at women in front of me, I dare not say a word, but did just before I left, he went crazy yelled “what die you fn expect any man would do, your own fault for not opening your fn legs when I fn told you too” He also used to put vile porn on & it made me feel physically sick, he’d then get angry & tell me I wasn’t normal. Daily If I asked him anything, like please could you pick some milk up, he would say only if you suck my c*** everything revolved around his c*** I was his emotional punch bag for years, it was terrifying being yelled at, he had ridiculous rules, monitored everything & changed rules daily, so even when I’d done everything right I’d still be scolded, then he’d demand sex as it was my duty to perform. Truly I feel I do not ever again want sexual contact ever again. That hurts because I’m human & of course I want to feel loved, wanted & needed but feel way too damaged. Even strangers disgust me, when I hear men talking about women in a sexual manner like they are merely objects purely put on this earth to serve men. I just recoil in disgust at myself for allowing him to sexualy abuse me for years. In general I’m scared of men now, think they are men & sexualy look on us as the first thing they see as sexual satisfaction, not human with feelings. X

    • #41936
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I have just remembered also that when it was severe towards the end he used to watch love Island & tell me he loved to watch others fn! He knew by doing so he further intimidated me, making me look worthless. Also at a (detail removed by Moderator) I was told I was fat & look at the state of me, how can you be classed fat at a (detail removed by Moderator)? I remember when I was first with him all those years ago that I’d missed periods & being older was terrified I was pregnant, He was not sympathetic at all I was told “oh well if you are just fn well go & get rid of it, what do you expect me to fn do about it, if you are it is your own fault” x

    • #41939
      Confused123
      Participant

      hey hun

      sending u hugs, yes sadly they did see us as sex objects, everything always was our fault and well yeah i got that line about prostitues too, i used to say do me a favour then and go with one, lol , but they never do they too busy punching and threating us . give yourself time hun , it take time to heal but u will get there

    • #41940
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Confused123 I’d love to think I will get there but feel very unsure if I will. I feel as useless, & worthless now as he made me feel. He never punched, broke bones, slow over many years which got worse & worse to daily. I never expected the aftershocks or all this terror in me, truly believed once away I’d be OK. At times I probably wouldn’t have left if I knew how severe ptsd or cptsd would be, but had I not have escaped I’m 99.9% sure would have been physical & or I would have taken my own life, I was beyond Breaking point several years before I left. Xxv

    • #41943
      Lyng
      Participant

      My experience is quite a lot different from yours. But in the end, it’s all about power and control. Yours found what scared you and used it against you. Mine discovered I am a very sexual person, and hence, used cycles of sex and depriving me of sex to keep me in line. He also manipulated it into looking like I was rejecting him when he would make it impossible, asking for sex at 2 am when I had to work at 5 am, then saying I was “not putting out” even though for years we never went more than three days without it. They find your weakness, prey on it, and batter you with it again and again. If it’s human companionship you crave, take up with an understanding woman who can awaken love in you again. It can be sexual, or not, but it needs to be a loving, understanding relationship to get you through this.

      • #41975
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi Lyng although away (detail removed by Moderator) I crave kindness from people in general and have received the opposite, people looking at me now as just a nervous wreck who should just get over it all. All I crave is understanding that in fact it is normal as I have found out my being on here to feel all of the emotions I have felt. He has been a master of deception years, convinced everyone that I had issues. Before I met him my sex drive was also high, he has disgusted Mr so much that he’s made me think the majority of men are the same, (detail removed by Moderator), but because of him I do see men in a different light now, soon after I moved a local man knowing what I’d come from told me I was damaged goods then followed it up with “I could have a relationship with you” as if!!! wouldn’t let him near me. I just don’t feel sexual anymore, if I ever did get involved again it would take me months to be convinced that I’m a person with feelings, would want to be respected completely & feel truly wanted by that man first for who I was, not what I could supply sexualy to him. I look back to when I first met him & how sexualy he was different to all men there had been in my life, he was for certain showing signs back then by things he said about others that he saw all women as sex objects, men as the controller in life, women to do as they were told. Xx

    • #41955
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Blueberry, you say he did not rape you. What was that then what you describe in your post?
      I can see that you have hidden what he did to you somewhere in your brain and it slowly emerges.
      I have been through unspeakable horror myself and until now situations emerge that I have suppressed for years.
      Take your time.
      The abuse that you suffered was enormous and you need time to unravel it and work on it.
      You blame yourself in many posts and you emphasize how grateful you are for things that were not good enough in your support.
      Believe me, you are worth much more support and you are allowed to be mighty angry about everything that has happened to you.
      You are not at fault for nothing. You tried your best, you were always a good and trusting person who wanted a family. He was a monster from hell.
      It was not your fault that you forgave him and stayed longer. We all do that, because we have love and forgiveness in our hearts which are abused by these men.
      Just because he did not break any of your bones you do not need to minimize what he had done to you.
      He abused you badly, he even raped you in your sleep.
      The magnitude of what he has done to you for years is all coming out slowly and it is overwhelming.
      Many of us have been through similar and it is a painful process to realize what has been done to us.
      I never had any good experiences with any man in any relationship. The last marriage was the worst relationship I ever had and it destroyed me.
      I will never let a man come close to me ever again.

      • #41976
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi Ayanna Thank You for all of that, I do blame myself as like you previous to him all of my relationships have been the same too. Including a long marriage, then being left heavily pregnant by another, then the last monster who has just left me a nervous wreck having a major breakdown! I have blamed myself you are right, it wasn’t until the freedom programme that I attended quickly after leaving & looking back I think too quickly as I was in such a dreadful state, but it came crashing down on me that I’d been abused all my life, something I now know he’d have picked up in Me in those early days by my mannerisms. Now I feel so seriously ill it is hard to get through each day, my mind re lives, ptsd or cptsd is raw. Simple things are a huge challenge to me, yet prior to him I managed fine. It’s all just so huge to deal with. I would love nothing more than a kind loving relationship with a man who would really look after me but my life has been full of abusers I think I must attract as had appeared confident on the outside yet inside hid a lot of insecurities that abusers zoom in on without us even realising. I want to love myself first, even that I think if I look nice, pretty (which I was always told I was) will just attract males who will only see me as sexual, I want to be loved for me as a warm loving kind & caring woman & not a sex object. I think when I see women who are beautiful, confident, strong with good careers, how are they so independent. Even women I can find quite intimidating when I’ve been looked on now as oh well it must have been your fault then because they’d never let a man treat them like that! I’ve been told though that dv/abuse can happen to anyone xx

    • #41965
      Nina
      Participant

      Blueberry, It’s like these men have a manual on how to be completely evil. Mine was similar to yours in so many ways. I’m also a fat (detail removed by Moderator) and he treated me the same when it came down to sex. He was never violent other than shaking and pinning me up against walls and screaming at me. Occasionally throwing things at me but it was always bubbling under the surface. He just went crazy when I said it was over. He seemed to really enjoy it, like he’d just been waiting for that moment.
      I can’t even look at men now. If I go out I look at the floor and want to be invisible. I don’t wear make up and have my hair tied back. I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. I don’t even want to take that risk and understand where you’re coming from xx

      • #41977
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi Nina I too wear my hair tied back & wear no make up either, it is awful what these men do to us & how they make us feel so worthless & useless. I have read so many posts now & replies to my own posts that I feel I’d love to be able to feel a strong worthy woman & believe in myself again but also feel a lot like you that what’s the point I’d be too scared to ever trust again anyway. It’s almost like I have given up on myself, believing his extremely rock bottom opinion of me. I would love to just have enough strength to survive life alone now, it is so lonely being alone, scared & the world feels too big & scarey to be in but we all need to survive in it. Would be a blessing if we could all find happiness, and all feel safe again & all recover to forget all that has happened to us all xx

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