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    • #123909
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      I find the weekends particularly hard, normally because this is when thing happen. I left a while back but my nightmare is still ongoing. He simply won’t leave me alone, I’ve called the police on several occasions and I hope as time goes on things will get easier.

      At this moment in time I just long to be myself (with kids) I have no inclination to ever be with anyone ever again. I have so many mental and physical scars I’m not sure that would even be possible anyway. They are a constant reminder of the hell my life has been and I’m struggling to even look in the mirror in case it triggers me.

      How can I ever be a peace with me and the way I look or ever be intimate again. It saddens me that the future doesn’t hold this and although I don’t want it now I still wonder if it’s even possible.

    • #123910
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      Hi 🙋
      I can feel your pain.I’m in the same position.I left a little while ago but he hasn’t left me alone and definitely hasn’t accepted the split.I blocked him but he is sending me emails all the time and over the weekend I have to get in touch with his mum to arrange contact with the children.It is so very stressful.I haven’t been able to concentrate on myself as he won’t leave me alone and he doesn’t accept that I don’t want any direct contact and his mum is getting so fed up with being stuck in the middle.I can’t see myself with anyone else.It is gonna take a long time for the scars to heal.But he doesn’t understand why I left.He thinks I am with someone else.It is draining x*x

      • #123911
        Cantmakedecisons
        Participant

        It’s so difficult isn’t it..

        I’m sorry you’re being put through this.

        The mental torture is bad enough but the physical scars of abuse is haunting me abs I fear they will forever. They are never going away and that’s what bothers me. No matter what I do, move on, go forward etc their there staring me in the face and as awful as it sounds I think he likes that! Like I’ll never be free.

    • #123912
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      Yes it is ever so difficult.Especially as we’ve got kids together.I feel like I will never be free.
      I’m sorry to hear you’ve got physical scars.Sounds like you have been through a lot.I suffered two mild nose fractures but my nose healed with a slight deformity.No one would ever know but I know and I can see it in pictures.A daily reminder and then he is still sending me emails telling me loves me so much.Really???How can you do that to someone you love.For weeks he has been telling me in emails he loves me and as I don’t reply it goes on to verbal abuse, then threats then love bombing again.When will he stop.I haven’t been able to move on cause I’m constantly being bombarded with emails and I’m scared and have to think about it all the time.How do you arrange contact with the children?

      • #123913
        Cantmakedecisons
        Participant

        I know it doesn’t make sense – hence the constant state of confusion.

        I used to pick my child up from the house (family home) but that became way too dangerous and cost me so now I pick him up locally so I don’t have to see him. The older two can come independently, I made some silly mistakes trying to put everyone else before myself and all that has done so far is caused more trauma. I have to remember that I have given him every opportunity but more than once has abused that trust and hurt me even more.

        I do feel selfish but I’m alive and that’s all I can say right now. I’m breathing but not living or enjoying just existing! It’s taken it’s toll.

    • #123914
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      I’ve been picking my kids up from his mum’s but I feel so anxious when picking them up as I don’t want to see him and have been advised not to have direct contact.I always have to ring his mum first to ask if he is gone and then I feel like an idiot for having to make sure he is gone but also frightened in case he is hanging around in the area to confront me.He is not accepting that it is over and the emails he is sending are horrendous.He is trying his best to manipulate me to get back with him as he knows it always worked in the past but now I’m not going back to him and he is so angry that he can’t lure me back in.It never stops never…

      • #123915
        Cantmakedecisons
        Participant

        Ditto. It’s so exhausting and mind numbing. I’ve been really struggling with it all.. purpose, being.. even (detail removed by moderator). I’m just saying that light hearted it’s been a reality for a while now and I’m literally taking it hour by hour.

        I just want peace x

    • #123916
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      Same…just peace.Not that much to ask for.First the years of abuse and then the denial of healing.That’s what I feel like at the moment.He is denying me to start the healing process.People say I’m strong and brave for leaving him but I don’t feel strong.I feel very weak and drained x

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