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I am absolutely tormented. The relationship is over but I cannot stop going over the abuse in my head. I can’t get anything done. I keep stopping in my tracks and going over things. I keep remembering things that didn’t make sense at the time, and now I know they didn’t make sense because he was messing with my head. I’m just not functioning at the minute. I have no energy. I feel drained and tired. And I feel like I am obsessed with trying to make sense of it all. On and on it goes – my head is going over and over things and I can’t get any peace. He tormented me with his gaslighting for years – and I am still tormented.
Has anyone else felt like this? How long does it take to feel like a normal, functioning human again instead of a preoccupied zombie??
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Hi Seeingclearly,
Its great that you are seeing clearly. You have full awareness of what he is like and those recollections are painful and triggers all the huge difficult feelings and emotions. But these emotions and feelings need to come up, be expressed and got out. And you’re doing exactly that. Its hard work. Its like we have to expel the poison from being around them. It is exhausting the abuser and their horrible behaviour being in our head..all the horrible memories. And the good memories were them only ‘acting nice’ so even the nice ones weren’t real. But the good thing is today, this actual moment you are not in his presence. Yes you have the past trauma of being on the receiving end of his presence and toxicity to heal from but TODAY and all the minutes it contains does not have to have one sec of him in it and that’s a huge achievement on your part. Getting out of an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do in life imo and you have done it.
Him and his toxic past actions involving you will get out of you head..with time and keeping up a strict No Contact regime. Also reading the posts on here and posting as you are doing will help you make sense of his nonsense.
Just accept where you’re at today. It won’t always be like that. Just carry out the motions of what you have to do today. Keep things very simple in your day. Don’t take on too much or expect too much from yourself. It is what it is for the moment. Its the aftermath of having been ensnared by an abusive type of person. I’ve been where you are in your head and my abuser’s hold is gone over me …once I maintain no Contact.
Keep posting.
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Hi Seeingclearly – that was like reading my own thoughts 🙁
Initially, after the breakup, I was a mess for a good couple of months. Seemingly okay on the outside to everyone else (and sometimes even to myself) but then out of no where (mostly at work) I would just get so, insanely and inconsolably overwhelmed. I would have to go into the bathroom for a good half an hour to have a panic attack and then subsequently calm down. It felt like it went on for so long because it happened every day for months. Funnily enough it always happened at the same time every day too I don’t know if that means anything!
Basically, I have felt exactly the same way. Torturing myself over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Why did he do it? How could he do it? Did he ever love me? Was he remorseful? Does he actually care about me? Did he mean anything he ever said to me? But what about all the good things he did…surely he couldn’t have been faking? And then I found out he denied the assault to the police.
I’ll never have the answers to my questions, but I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what they are now. Even if he does love me and did mean all those things he said and did, he still abused and assaulted me. So his love is not good enough. And your ex’s love is not good enough for you.
My biggest piece of advice is to let yourself feel these feelings, accept them and ride them out. You might even surprise yourself with how quickly you recover. Surround yourself with people you love, but ensure you make time for yourself and self care. Treat yourself, read good books, watch TV you love, see friends. Occupy yourself whilst also acknowledging how you feel, eventually the pain and torment will subside, I promise. But until then we are all here to support you. PM me any time x
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Seeing Clearly, Yes I felt and still feel exactly like you describe, tormented and torturing myself trying to make sense of it all. My story is on this board. Have a read of my posts if you want. Its been two years since it happened but I still can’t sleep and I go over and over it,feeling anger and despair and confusion. What I have taken from your post that has helped me is ” I keep remembering things that didn’t make sense at the time, and now I know they didn’t make sense because he was messing with my head”.
I wonder if that’s why things didn’t make sense in my relationship was my ex messing with my head? -
Hi seeingclearly, I can totally relate. I question myself constantly as to when my brain is going to stop obsessing about this. It’s confusing because when he was here I was tough and anything he did or said would not affect me in the slightest because I had gotten gist of his game and decided long before I actually left him that I was going to leave. But now I’m obsessed and it hurts and it actually makes you feel like you are going crazy. Let’s hope in time it will lessen and we can find ourselves again. Reading all these threads brings me comfort and builds my confidence. I honestly don’t know what state I would be in if I had not found this forum. Big hugs xx
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Hi seeingclearly
It’s exhausting but perfectly normal. I’m a few years out and sometimes still go back into the cycle of remembering and brain overdrive and it’s emotionally draining and physically exhausting.
Try to make sure you practice self care – relax, have a bubble bath or walk and try to switch off. I used a white noise app on my phone to try to switch my head ramblings off which helped a bit.
Its hard but I promise you it does get better xx -
Thank you all SO much for your kind responses. I’m indulging in some retail therapy to help take my mind off things. I’m going to end up broke as well as confused and exhausted 🙂 But it’s good because every time I bought something he had something to say. I had to explain myself – even though we each had separate incomes and didn’t even have a shared account! I had to justify spending my own money that I had earned in my full-time professional job! Now I’m enjoying buying some nice things and not being interrogated about how much I spent, and why.
“Torturing myself over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Why did he do it? How could he do it? Did he ever love me? Was he remorseful? Does he actually care about me? Did he mean anything he ever said to me? But what about all the good things he did…surely he couldn’t have been faking?” – This sums it up exactly Colouringinfairy. I’m tormented by remembering some things that seemed like accidents or near-misses when driving, for example, and I’m wondering if these things were done deliberately to scare me. He definitely had so many different ways of controlling my emotions – often for pointless reasons other than just a desire to control for the sake of it.
It felt so lovely at the start, but the loveliness turned into neediness, and the neediness turned into control, and the control turned into gaslighting, and the gaslighting led to an act of violence which led to a trip to A&E and lies to a doctor. And lies to myself. And fear.
When I finally got away I missed him!!! Good god, the mind works in mysterious ways! I no longer miss him. The thought of seeing him makes me feel ill! So at least that part has passed. I suppose eventually I will stop trying to answer unanswerable questions.
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Seeing clearly – I can relate so much to your post! I read what you put about clothes and hadn’t even realised he was doing this to me too. I always had to justify if I spent a penny on myself and always was made to feel guilty even though it was my money! I am going through all those emotions now missing him is the worst I want it to stop. Im so glad it sounds like there is hope!
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Hi Yellowflower, something just clicked in my head and I realised that what I was missing wasn’t him – it was the ordinary things we did together. It was the company (when his mood was ok). It was the idea of a relationship. It was saying ‘us’. It was having someone to eat dinner with. Those ordinary things you do as a couple when life is ticking over. But I was paying a massive price for those things and I would much rather forgo them than live in fear and confusion. That man who does good things is the same person who does bad things. They seem like two different people, but they are one and the same. You can never love him enough to make him stop engaging in the abusive behaviours – no one can. You will eventually see this and hold on to it. There is definitely hope!
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Omg thank you so much seeingclearly. I had never thought about it that way. I’ve just sat here for a few minutes and thought about what you have wrote. It is so so true. It’s not him I miss it’s being in a relationship. The few things we did together like you said when life is ticking over… and one day maybe we will have a relationship where we can have those things but not pay a price for them! Thank you so much for posting my head feels clearer xx
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This is so very normal as testified to the responses here.
I’m a couple of months since things came to a head and I still struggle. I often think it will never go away. The ‘obsession’ I think is partly the brain’s way of processing and making sense of this terrible thing. We don’t see these things at the time, we don’t always recognise or want to accept the red flags before it’s too late – and the reason is because of the tactics they use. It’s cognitive dissonance. We know really that something is off but we somehow can’t see it and our attachment to our abusers make us make excuses or they’ve gaslighted us so much to make us doubt our judgement. Dangerous and scary.
When we are ‘out’ we are forced to process and it’s such a painful process, but we realise that it wasn’t us – that we weren’t crazy etc. It’s exhausting and it does leave you feeling drained. I wish I knew the timeframe, part of me is scared it will be forever but I’m sure it won’t. We all are travelling a very similar but parallel paths and we take the one that helps us with our healing.
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