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Good morning all,
Welcome to our Ask Me Anything session focused on your experiences of mental health. Today, on World Mental Health Day, we are joined by Lottie and Alyssa from Mind’s Information Team who will be answering your questions. We will be here live this morning between 10am and 12pm.
It is extremely common that domestic abuse will impact women’s mental health, especially over time. This can be initiating new difficulties or worsening an existing mental health diagnosis. We want you to feel free to ask your questions about your mental health but keep in mind that this isn’t a crisis session and if you need help to keep safe right now, please contact your mental health support or 999. We also won’t be able to give advice about diagnoses or medication in this space.
If you’re reading this on a device you’re worried may be being watched, please come back later on another device, we’ll keep an eye on this thread and our experts have kindly offered to keep responding even after today, your safety is the most important thing.
If you need to, don’t forget to use the exit site button. This will take you away from the forum and remove the last entry from your browser history.
Let us know your questions, and if you’d prefer to ask without your username, you can use this anonymous form.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
I self harm. When my husband is horrible or when something in my life isnt right I self harm. I often wonder why? Is it attention? Do I want saving? But yet sometimes I do it in hidden places. I use food too I starve myself or I over eat to make myself feel bad. Ive broken my own foot it has gotten that bad. Yet I dont know why and I feel so stupid about it. Im a middle aged mum I should know better but I get angry and frustrated with myself and as much as I try sometimes its all I can think about and once Ive done it I feel so much better. Id like to stop Id like to know why I do it so I can learn how to stop. Thank you.
Thank you for your question. We’re really sorry to hear you’re struggling with self-harm, it can be a very difficult thing to understand and cope with. There’s lots of reasons why we may self-harm. It can be a way to cope with difficult feelings or experiences, including experiencing abuse, stress or loneliness. Or we might feel the urge to punish ourselves or seek relief from distressing thoughts and feelings.
There are stereotypes about self-harm being something people do for attention. This can be upsetting or make it harder to reach out for support. Sometimes we might self-harm to bring attention to how we’re feeling. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have your feelings taken seriously. Self-harm is also something that can affect us at any age or time in our life.
It can be tough when the urge to self-harm is on our minds all the time, and we don’t know how to stop. Mind have an information page about helping yourself if you self-harm. This includes tips on how to distract yourself or delay self-harm. It also has suggestions about coping in the long term, such as making support plans or self-care boxes.
It’s not easy to stop self-harming, but taking things step by step and being kind to yourself can really help. And it’s really positive that you’re reaching out and thinking about the reasons you may feel this way.
Take care,
Lottie from the Mind Team -
Why do I still love my abuser a year after leaving him ? He eventually pled guilty and has been convicted of the domestic abuse act over a period of years but I still find myself constantly blaming myself for everything and love him.
Thank you for sharing. Abuse can be very confusing, there can be good times in the relationship and often there is the hope they will stop being abusive. Unfortunately, he was choosing to act in an abusive way rather than be supportive and respectful in the relationship. You are not to blame for his behaviour, only he is responsible for how he treated you. It can sometimes feel as though you are not healing from the abuse, the healing process can take time. You might find it helpful to explore Bloom. They offer free online courses created by/in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. The courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace covering topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries: https://bloom.chayn.co/
Best wishes,
Lisa -
Why do I feel like the abuser ? He was convicted of domestic abuse and it was horrific. But I look back and wonder if I was the abuser ? He told me I was over and over again . Sometimes I’d tell him I hated him and wished him dead because I couldn’t cope but I feel so guilty .
Thank you for sharing. A common tactic for abusive people is to blame the other person to try to shift their responsibility of the abusive behaviour and to maintain control. When someone is repeatedly telling you you are abusive then it can create doubts and often women will believe they are to blame but you didn’t cause his behaviour. Only he is responsible for his actions – there is never a valid reason for abuse to happen – he chose to act this way. Reacting to his abusive behaviour doesn’t make you a bad person, he was pushing boundaries and seeking a reaction. You might find it helpful to explore Bloom. They offer free online courses created by/in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. The courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace covering topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries: https://bloom.chayn.co/
Best wishes,
Lisa -
Where and how can support be accessed when you don’t fit nicely into the professionals ‘boxes’? If your needs are too complex for a refuge space, or too complex for GP counselling support but nhs mental health services will take a long time to access, when you have no real life support from friends because of isolation caused by abusive partner, when the local DA organisation seems to only help with appointment attendance or form filling, and so you are left completely on your own to deal with everything, the practical challenges but also the mental health impact of DA? When even picking up the phone has become too much of a challenge and so you are completely alone and overwhelmed and unable to cope?
Thank you for your question. You deserve to have support, however complex your needs, and I understand how disappointing and frustrating it can be when this isn’t immediately available when you need it. It’s also difficult that services can vary between areas. There is specialist support available to access refuge or other safe accommodation for women who have barriers such as complex mental health needs. This is a service provided by Women’s Aid called No Woman Turned Away (NWTA) that you can access by contacting our Live Chat service and speaking with a Support Worker there. They can also talk through other support that may be helpful for you.
Isolation is a huge impact of domestic abuse and the experts from Mind have shared this link to their information on living with loneliness. It might be worth keeping in touch with your GP about how you’re feeling, even with long waiting lists for the mental health services and, if you’re in England, you can self-refer for Talking Therapies, although I recognise this may be the service you’ve tried accessing already.
Best wishes,
Lisa -
If you’ve been affected by trauma, it’s important to remember that you survived however you could. Trauma is when we experience very stressful, frightening or distressing events that are difficult to cope with or out of our control. There’s no rule about what experiences can be traumatic. It can happen at any age and can affect us at any time, including a long time after the events have happened. Trauma can come from a one-off distressing event, or something more ongoing. And there’s no right or wrong way to feel or react. Mind have online information pages on trauma, which includes advice on coping, and information for friends and family.
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Stress is how we react when we feel under pressure or threatened. It usually happens when we are in a situation that we don’t feel we can manage or control, and it can be caused by many things. We can’t always avoid stressful situations and there are also factors out of our control that might make it harder to manage, But being prepared for stress where we can, might make it easier to get through and recover from. Mind’s website has some tips on how to do this.
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Thank you, everyone, for your questions so far and thank you, Lottie and Alyssa, for the invaluable information you’ve provided.
We understand that mental health can be a difficult topic and that you might need a little more time to think about what you want to ask or feel comfortable sharing. We will be finishing up this morning’s session in about 15 minutes, at noon, but you can still submit your questions. The anonymous form will remain open, and you can send me a private message if there’s something you’d rather ask privately.
Please do bear in mind that the responses won’t be immediate and may take a few days, as Lottie and Alyssa will no longer be on hand, but we will pass the questions along and they have generously agreed to answer when they are able.
Best wishes,
Lisa -
The live session has now ended. Thank you, again, to Lottie and Alyssa, we’ve found the session with you really interesting with lots of resources to find out more. Thank you also to Mind for lending them to us and for all the work they do as an organisation for the cause of mental health.
As above, please do continue to submit your questions if there’s anything you’d like to ask.
Best wishes,
Lisa -
As the Survivors Forum is for survivors seeking support only, we are unable to post or answer any queries from third parties or professionals on behalf of survivors. We do understand how important it is for those seeking support on behalf of survivors to provide the correct information.
Our Survivor’s Handbook may be useful.
Contacting our Live Chat service may also be helpful to those supporting survivors. The Live Chat support workers will be able to provide options available and further information on how best to support a relative or friend.
If you are a professional seeking information and support on behalf of a survivor, then you may want to access the dedicated service for professionals currently open Monday-Friday 10am-4pm. Professionals can access this service by completing the contact form via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/dedicated-service-for-professionals/
Mind’s website also has really useful information pages. You can use the search box or the A-Z of mental health to find information for different types of mental health as well as the support available.
We hope this is helpful for those seeking support on behalf of a survivor.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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For advice about specific domestic violence counselling and advice about whether to make a statement and go to court
Thank you for asking about this. I’ll deal with the two parts separately.
We know that domestic abuse can severely impact mental health in quite specific ways and many women benefit from support to process what they’ve been through. When accessing counselling or other talking therapies, it’s important that the practitioner has an awareness of domestic abuse and works in a trauma-informed way.
Some local domestic abuse services are able to offer formal counselling but this does vary between areas. Even if they don’t directly offer counselling themselves, they should know of what’s available locally from other services that is suitable for survivors of domestic abuse. The BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) offer the BACP Client Information Helpdesk to help people find a suitable counsellor with whom they feel comfortable. You can contact them on 01455 883300 9am – 5pm, Monday – Friday. If you prefer to search online, you could use the Counselling Directory to do this. You can search in your area and refine by “what’s worrying you”, which includes an option for domestic abuse, and the type of therapy you want. You can find some information on types of therapies, how to find a therapist, and what to expect on Mind’s “Talking therapy and counselling” page.
Whether to make a statement and proceed through the criminal justice process to court is a highly personal decision. You should be able to get support to think through what you want to do from your local domestic abuse service. You could speak with a Support Worker through our Live Chat service, they wouldn’t tell you what you should do but they can discuss your concerns with you and let you know about other support that might be helpful. You also might like to contact Rights of Women, who provide free legal advice in areas of the law often needed around domestic abuse. They have a criminal law advice line (020 7251 8887 Tuesday 10am – 12pm and Thursday 7pm – 9pm) where you can get expert advice about any aspect of the criminal justice system through initially reporting, making your statement, investigations, charging, trial, and sentencing. They also have legal guides available through the website that cover this information.
As a general reminder we cannot have any discussions about court or legal proceedings on the forum.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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