Mental illness or abuse? Feeling lost and empty :(

[Pumpkinpies]

I left my boyfriend a few weeks ago. We were only together a few months. But i feel like ive been run over by a bus. (detail removed by moderator)But it wasn’t. There was something almost weekly. This extreme anxiety. Mostly he would say it was about respecting his personal relationship boundaries. He has a mixture of ptsd, ocd, impulse control issues, and what i can only describe as relationship anxiety,or paranoia, i dont even know anymore. Within a few days of meeting him he was asking me things like (detail removed by moderator)But i was wrapped up very fast. He was very kind, loving, generous, successful, ambitious, manly. We fell in ‘love’ immediately and couldnt get enough of eachother. He made me feel like a queen. But once a week, he would have an irrational outburst, always linked with a fear of me abandoning or rejecting him. He would start to shake and shout. (detail removed) Once because i said i needed a day to myself to do laundry and call family. Once because i said i loved to travel and he thought i would go travel without him. Once because i didnt feel like having sex. That was the worst one. He really lost it. Turned his living room upside down, shouting “you keep rejecting me do you want me to kill myself” and hit himself in the face. At this point i said he needed proper help and maybe medication. (He sees a psychologist already.) And like each time, he turned it on to me, saying i have issues too, (detail removed) During these months i left him a few times and came back each time. Which he also said was emotional abuse. I wanted to be with him and help him. I wanted him to feel secure and happy with me.
(detail removed) I couldnt handle the fact that i was making this happen and he kept saying that if i change my ways like he tries to change his maybe this could work.

It all got very confusing. Also because he we were meant to go see a couples therapist. So i thought, he cant be trying to manipulate me or lie to me or he wouldnt want to go meet a therapist together. He had also said he had a few abusive exes. I thought well, he calls me abusive, which im not, so maybe they werent either? Or does he actually think i am?

When i ended it the last time, i then woke up to hundreds of messages. So mean. Just really cut me deep (detail removed)Youll make men kill themselves. I thought choosing a far less attractive woman would mean better values and i was wrong. (detail removed). We didnt have intimacy it was just f*****g. Men will love  that and leave you. Youre a controlling and abusive n********t” and so on. 
This really broke me. I couldnt believe it. I was about to travel back from my holiday and couldnt stop sobbing.
(detail removed by moderator)

Even after that, i couldnt let go. Everyone around said thats enough, block him and stay away. But i couldnt. His love was so extreme, i knew he didnt mean what he said. I needed him to say im sorry. I wanted to know he still loved me. He did eventually apologize. By then i had told all friends and family about everything. Had i not done this i may have gone back to him. But instead i told him i cant ever come back from this. His words were abusive. He admitted it, but not without making a point of saying i was abusive too, in how i never made him feel loved and accepted for his flaws and was unsupportive and defensive, and in leaving him and coming back a few times. He sent me about a bunch of psychological relationship articles about control, abuse, couples fighting properly, respecting boundaries, gaslighting, invalidating, bullying, being responsible for one’s own feelings. Making me feel like i was this monster who didnt support him, and saying he’s happier without me and will find a mature partner who loves him properly. My therapist said it seems like all those articles he sent, are things he does.

I still have pangs in my gut where i feel i want to run back and say im sorry i can do this lets try again. It makes no sense. Its the high. The extreme love and passion. But its not real. I have erased him number. I can still email him. I didnt erase that yet. I am slowly erasing parts of him bit by bit. Slowly getting  better and having less and urges.
Its hard because he was so kind. And his episodes werent mean, they were just fearful. He was terrified, having these panick attacks. But once i left him, he was mean. It was malicious.

He is also very clever and maybe manipulative. I dont know if consciously or not. I feel lost and empty. I need to be alone now i think. I feel traumatised a little. I dont want to experience this again. His words really cut deep. Im worried about ending up alone. I need to fight the urge to go and find a partner fast. And when or if i do find a nice one, i need to fight the monkey on my back telling me hey, this guy isnt upset or accusatory or anything, must mean he doesnt actually care, this cant be love.

So i have my therapist, im writing here, im filling my diary with friend time, tomorrow im starting a mindfulness class. I hope i feel normal soon. I feel sad, guilty then angry and not guilty. It switches. I hope i stop wanting to contact him too.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m sorry you have had to go through this but none of this was your fault. Google trauma bonding. Abusers are very clever, the destroy our self esteem and confidence. He knew exactly what he was doing and he chose to behave this way. My ex was the same but only when there were no witnesses so he was in control all the time. It’s going to take time and zero contact for this urge to contact him again subsides. It’s a mixture of fear, obligation and guilt.FOG. The fog of abuse. Try reading Living with the Dominator. I also liked Healing From Hidden Abuse. It’s not you, it never was you. An abuser wouldn’t be on this forum. They wouldn’t look for help because in their head they don’t have a problem. Always someone else’s fault x

[Pumpkinpies]

Thank you Kip. Ill be reading all of the above. It really is hard. I had erased his number and then he ran past me where i go jogging. This made him message me again. We started arguing immediately and i told him he is not well and is abusive. He got mean again saying im sick in the head and tben even fabricating things, saying his therapist said i was toxic and that she laughed at my messages calling me clueless, and that he knows someone i know who told him i have anger and abuse issues. This is pure projection. We know no one in common, i dont have enemies and i dont have anger and abuse.
Its just insane, he’s actually inventing things now to hurt me. I blocked him. I just cant stand things ending so horribly. I shouldnt care! I just want him to say sorry, and stop. Im not good at letting go. Not when it’s so negative and horrid. But i dont have a choice.
🙁 so exhausted. Ill look up what you’ve suggested thank you so much.
Are you ok now? And was this a pattern for you? Xx

[KIP.]

I’m a thousand times better now. Still having counselling which is fantastic and I know how lucky I am. Yes that pattern is just like mine. Especially when I ended things the nastiness went off the scale. He wants to discredit you so that when his abuse is exposed he’s got in there first. His messages will be delusional nonsense. But it’s shocking and confusing that someone would so blatantly lie or just rewrite history. That’s why absolutely zero contact is so important. They are toxic. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman when we end the relationship so please call the police if he persists.

[starqueen]

I agree with Kip, go no contact so you can start to unravel the c**p he’s fed to you. Whether he does or doesn’t have mental illness, his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. This is quite close to the bone for me because my abusive family member used to have mental illness and used that as an excuse not to take any accountability for wgat he did. It’s really hard because we have empathy for their struggles — and empathy and kindness in and of themselves are commendable — but sometimes that empathy can be used against us. I’m going off on a tangent a little here but what I did want to say is that mental illness is in no way an excuse or justification for abusive behaviour. It’s not okay for him to treat you like this. Plenty of people sadly struggle with their mental health but are able to take accountability for their behaviour and treat those around them with kindness, love and respect. He is being abusive and you do not deserve it.

[Pumpkinpies]

Rewriting history, exactly! Actually inventing humans and saying his shrink is belittling me. His spelling and writing it gets all jumbled and erratic when he really loses it. Also sends laughing emojis, saying “youre sick, good luck 😂”
Just mean and so angry.

And yes, the empathy, all i want is for him to not be hurting, and to calm down and kindly part ways. I wish i didnt. Objectively everyone around me says omg, psycho, forget him. I will get there.

I read thos book called Women who love too much. About women who get addicted, literally, to unhealthy men and relationships. It makes some sense and im following the “recovery steps”, trying to figure out why. Why do we stay.

Thank you for your words. I feel less alone

[starqueen]

Pumpkinpies, it sounds like rewriting history is something a lot of abusers do. His behaviour sounds horrible and so confusing. Stay strong, you will get there, and I’m glad you’re feeling less some, it is a very lonely place to be but there are always people here and on the helpline who can relate.

[KIP.]

What you want and what he wants are two totally different things. Trauma bonded for me was a huge lightbulb moment. You won’t ever get closure from an abuser. You need to look at it like he walked out the door and was hit by a bus. No more contact. Just an ending. Then you can move on with your own life because his dysfunctional dangerous behaviour will just make you feel crazy.

[starqueen]

Kip, thank you for bringing up trauma bonding. I’ve just Googled it and found an article that has really hit home to me that I think my understanding of love is based on trauma bonding. It’s definitely helped me make sense of some things in my life.

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