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    • #113278
      Thistle06
      Participant

      I feel so low I left my abuser after a long difficult marriage taking my kids with me. Since i left ive tried to discuss access and back up in email and money and the house. This was sort of working but has now completely broken down. He wont answer any emails around suggested dates, lied to the CMS about a local arrangement being in place lied to me about his salary. The kids are teenagers and he shouted at them when they wanted to stop their overnight stay as they were going back to school. Only for a few weeks. He refused to allow to come (detail removed by Moderator) early to discuss this called me a bully etc…He wont confirm arrangements with me and is going through the kids. Which ive told them both isn’t on he has to confirm with me. I am so worn down with this. He refused to discuss taking the kids away to visit his mum. I got repeated texts addressed in my name with the same days over and over. When he did finally compromise he even went as far as to send me messages telling me the kids had to be ready for a time and date which wasn’t agreed. He said it was in his calendar. I dont know how much more of this I can withstand

    • #113279
      KIP.
      Participant

      This is typical abuser behaviour. You can never ever negotiate with an abuser. Do you have a legal contact order in place? If not I’d strongly advise this. That way everybody knows the dates and access is legally binding and cannot be changed. You can also involve the police if he breaks it. The kids are older now so alternatively you can support their decisions. Of they don’t want to go with him overnight then that’s fine. If he continues to be abusive you need to cease all contact and report his behaviour to the police. Once you take back control you will feel more empowered. These men are bullies. Perhaps sit down with the kids and talk to them about access. If you all agree to a schedule then you could give it to him and tell him it won’t be changed and block his number until you need to unblock it. He’s going to do whatever he knows will upset you so don’t let him see that it’s working. Absolutely zero contact is what to aim for. Any contact is toxic and draining. Do you have a third party that can contact him on your behalf. Cutting him right out your loop. You will never get anywhere with him because he will just keep changing the goal posts.

    • #113281
      Thistle06
      Participant

      Hello thankyou I’m drained and feeling low im trying to represent the childrens views and he really doesn’t care he’d rather argue with me. It messes with my head. I am worried as the kids are growing up and actually they want less contact with him I dont know if an order will be too restrictive on them.i might ask my solicitor to send out the schedule to him which the kids want. I just will never get anywhere with him but i am so worried about court or a solicitor agreeing with him saying i am being unreasonable . If his texts are confrontational or lies is that harassment will the police be bothered? He is driving me to be formal all the time pushing me to the CMS to court to the police. Is that common?

    • #113285
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers are liars. He will never agree with you. Most solicitors offer free legal advice so ring around and get support from your local women’s aid. They deal with these situations every single day. If your kids are teenagers then surely their views count in any reasonable discussions. He’s pushing your buttons. Take a step back and decide what you want. He is a bully and you have the right to feel safe and not be harassed. If his messages are threatening or you’ve told him not to contact you and he persists then that’s harrassment. Talk to the police for advice too. It’s common to have to go to the cms and court because abusers won’t ever be reasonable. It’s all about control for them. They have no interest in the kids or your wishes. So formal agreements with legal backing sadly are where most of us end up. For our own safety and sanity x

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