Might be pregnant

[wishingwell]

I haven’t been on the forum for a while as things have been going well and we haven’t had bad arguments which end up in violence. So well that we have been trying for our 2nd. But then (detail removed by moderator) we had an argument which turned physical and after that he had the nerve to say “(detail removed by moderator)”!!! I walked away from the situation then he came after me and whacked me (detail removed by moderator) from behind. Just feeling rubbish and thinking about there possibly being a baby in me. He is trying so hard which is probably why things have been good and he is letting things go instead of picking at everything. But that is probably harming him than good as it’s probably building up inside all the things he let slide and then comes out into this violet episode (detail removed by moderator) and he let’s it all out. I really want to have a baby and really want for my child to have a sibling. What can I do to help him? to help us? to help our child?

[fizzylem]

Hello WW, this man has crossed the line, he’s been violent, there is no moving forwards just more of the same or worse. I don’t really understand why you would want to bring another child into this and I am concerned for your first child too; guess you are hoping it will one day be a happy family yes, only it won’t will it. It’s simply not possible to be a good father when you are abusive to the mother. Is there anyone you can talk to about what has happened? Your GP would be good, but if not a GP then a close friend or someone in your family? Have you called the WA helpline ever? Or Victim Support? Both of these services are completely confidential and will help. Keep posting and reaching out x

[KIP.]

Sadly there is nothing you can do to change him. but you can protect yourself and your child. Abuse very often escalates around pregnancy when we are extra vulnerable. Please ring the police and report the abuse to the domestic abuse unit. This is a cycle of abuse where he’s nice for a while to keep you hooked in but it never lasts and never will. Abusers use their children to trap us so that’s why he says he wants another child but violence and stress can bring on miscarriage so he’s already risking the life of your unborn child. Please go to your GP or to hospital and get yourself checked over. Contact your local women’s aid for support. How many chances before he really hurts you so badly you can’t be a mother to your child. Time to get you all safe. Is there anybody you can talk to. A parent, friend, GP? Abuse thrives on silence. He won’t ever change but you can x there is lots of help out there if you can just reach out.

[Eggshells]

Hi Wishingwell,

I just want do to stop by and let you know how much your comments reminded me of myself in the early days of understanding that I was in an abusive relationship. I thought I could help him to change. I read the comments on this forum and thought they were abit harsh. They didn’t know my OH and they didn’t know how good our relationship could be when he was in a “good phase”. My OH wasn’t like all the others, I was sure of it. It was too much for me to comprehend that my relationship would never get better because I’d always held on to the dream that we’d be this happy old couple who had been though a lot but worked it out between us so that we had found a place of complete contentment in our retirement.

What a crock.

As recommended, I did google the cycle of abuse and instantly recognised it in our relationship.

Then I read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven and discovered that the abuse I was suffering was far more extensive than I had realised.

Slowly but surely, I began to accept that things were never going to get better.

As I went through the separation process, people told me to be careful and told me the abuse would get worse. Again I thought “He won’t do that, he’s not like the other abusive men, he’s not that bad.” I leant very quickly that he was just like the other abusive men, every bit as bad.

Whilst it can be difficult to read and accept what others are telling you, there is a huge amount of experience, expertise and understanding on this forum.

Please mull over what others have said about the impact of abuse on you and your children. Things may get better for periods of time whilst you are in the “reconciliation” and “calm” parts of the cycle of abuse but it won’t last. You have already experienced this.

[wishingwell]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for the messages. I do think I’m holding onto the hope things will be ok in the end or that this is what I have to live with. Every relationship has its faults right. I cant talk to anyone I’m scared someone would take my child away. I cantconfide in a close friend or family it’s just too close to home to tell someone I know. The forum is my safe place to offload. I feel there is so much riding on our relationship that I cant leave.

[KIP.]

Hi there, yes we minimise the abuse as a way to cope. We become dependent on our abusers more and more. You need to protect your child. Nobody will take your child if you are able to protect them but exposing a child to abuse is child abuse and you must show that you can protect them. It’s a difficult place to be so please keep posting on here and gathering information and support. Abuse thrives on silence. Your local women’s aid can help you and you don’t have to give your name. It’s scary to face up to the fact you’re being abused by someone you love. But loving him will not stop the abuse x

[fizzylem]

Hey WW, that scared feeling that someone will take your child away is alive and present because you are not taking action currently, you feel stuck and don’t know what to do yes? Feel stuck with your situtaion as it is. The moment you take a step towards making this stop you also start to protect your child again, meaning this feeling will end and change. To do nothing is to collude with the child abuse; so this is why at present you feel scared someone will take your child away, because someone does need to protect the child here, and at present that can be you or the authority if you do not. No one wants to remove a child from their mother, this is rare, and it only happens if the mother continues to refuse help and support, continues to put the child at risk by having him in the same home.

You feel this way now because you have fingers crossed all the time that he won’t errupt and that your child won’t be around when he does, that nothing too serious will happen – that is your stay safe strategy isn’t it, only it’s not fail safe is it, the risk is still very much alive and present and there is nothing in place to really stop it happening.

There is also your safety and wellbeing, he’s hit you in the head while you could be pregnant, which isn’t an isolated incident either is it, this is alarming – what next? How bad does it need to be? You and your child need an abuse free, safe and relaxing, happy home. When mum suffers so does the child, neither of you are free to simply be are you, you are both walking on eggshells all the time. You can stop this, there are so many of us on here that now have – sadly too many of us have walked in these shoes; please talk to someone, anyone.

Asking for help, reaching out to others can feel huge, a hundred times bigger on the inside than it really is but the moment it leaves your lips it is released and instantly pops – and it helps you to feel just that little bit better. People care for you and want to help, its hard to ask but it is needed and do able. We all of us need to lean on others from time to time in life, we simply can not function in isolation without the love and support from others; no one knows how to deal with everything life throws do they?

He has isolated you, led you to believe you are on your own, this is not true. Maybe try the WA helpline to begin, they really are very supportive, can offer suggestions and guidance and its completely confidential. Telling the first person is always the hardest. We all learnt that the way forwards is to ask for help, that we can not deal with him or this alone – asking for help takes courage yes, but when someone responds to our call there is no better feeling. Wouldn’t you like your child to feel he/she can always ask for help from others when needed? And what about those you care about? Would you like to feel they feel they can always call? It’s just your turn to need a bit of help here and that is all x

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