- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by
freedomtochoose.
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9th July 2018 at 5:56 pm #61229
iwillbeok
ParticipantBrain and heart going around in circles… my heart wants to miss ‘him’ but my brain knows that there is no him. He was not real; I miss the company (even though I could barely stand to be around him), the discussions (even though they were all about him and really lectures not conversations), the hugs (even though they were so infrequent), the terms of endearment (even though they often dripped with sarcasm).
I miss the ‘fake’ him even though I hadn’t seen that side of him for a very, very long time. But with exactly the same breath I hate him. Hate him so hard it makes my head throb. The thought of his presence, his voice, makes my flesh crawl. I came across a photo, left accidently undeleted, a few days ago – I feel nothing yet everything; I don’t recognise him – I see a stranger.I wonder if this is me trying to minimise/ignore how terrified I am of what viciousness and hatred is going to come out in the divorce. I thought I had done okay, after a recent email contact, a slight hiccup but I felt strong. Now, I am reduced to a snivelling wreck again. The email, to anyone (including me!) sounds reasonable and non-inflammatory, self deprecating. It brings up so much ‘reasonable’ behaviour that I minimised and put up with. Each on their own, seemingly insignificant, but each one brushed aside; sweeping away my boundaries until there was no boundary left and he could walk on through as if he ‘owned the place’. I imagine him leaving his rubbish strewn everywhere, his feet up on the sofa, demanding a meal and a beer – only this isn’t in a room, this is in my heart. I scrub and vacuum but his footsteps remain, his fingerprints left behind.
iwillbeok x
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9th July 2018 at 6:14 pm #61230
KIP.
ParticipantKeep scrubbing and vacuuming until eventually there is just a nasty odourless stain there. The stain will linger but you will get used to it until you don’t even notice it’s there x
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9th July 2018 at 7:07 pm #61234
iwillbeok
ParticipantThanks KIP 😓
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9th July 2018 at 8:22 pm #61237
itwillbeokay
ParticipantHow well written and may I say I empathise with every word and feel it too. All of it.
Thank you Kip for the reassurance.
I haven’t even got the strength to do anything about divorce yet but I’ve been advised to as I’m due to come into some money possibly (my estranged father recently passed away) and it might end up half my unemployed abusive ex husbands apparently!
Anyway I digress. I totally relate. Keep strong. Keep looking forward. I’ll say the same to myself.
Xx
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9th July 2018 at 8:23 pm #61238
Poodlepower
ParticipantI thought I’d found the love of my life when I met my partner. I remember saying to friends ” he’s so perfect for me, it’s as if I made him up!” Ironic, as in a way I did make him up.
I was head over heels in love with him and he seemed to feel the same. We celebrated the date we met every month with silly little gifts and home made cards or a nice meal. He would put little notes in my lunchbox and we were in this happy little bubble. I really thought that he was the man I’d been waiting to meet my whole life.
But all that was fantasy, fuelled my his knowing what to do and say and my silly , romantic self. I got swept away with the romance of it all and his apparently loving nature.
The 1st time he was violent, I could hardly believe it had happened. The second time, I told him it must never happen again. I repeated that the 3rd time. And so on…
I needed my lovely, beautiful man so much, and even now, when I know it wasnt real, my heart aches for him.
I was living with an “escape bag” in the car for at least a year before I left him for good. In case he scared me to the point where I’d have to escape the house. And that seemed acceptable to me at the time.
The last time I saw him I was locked safely in my car as he begged me to come back inside. 10 minutes earlier he’d been shaking me violently, had me trapped in a room. Told me he wanted to kill me. This had happened before and I’d gone back inside with him, to be pinned down and screamed at. This last time, I knew it was too risky and I drove to the police station.Even after all this, I miss him. I find myself crying for his arms around me, his voice telling me he loves me, that I’m beautiful and that we belong together. I repeat “please come home, please come home…” over and over again.
I have to keep reminding myself that he didn’t really love me. That he took advantage of me, used me. The loving relationship was faked to get what he wanted- a rent-free place to live with meals and taxi service thrown in. Oh, and treats that I could hardly afford but that kept him happy. Well, to a point.
It’s so bad for my mental state to remember him in a loving way. I have to keep reminding myself of the reality.
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9th July 2018 at 8:50 pm #61240
freedomtochoose
Blockedpp lovely just read this post and so sorry you had to experience this
thinking of you
ftc
x
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