Missing him feeling sick

[Bluebirds]

It’s been a while since I’ve left but I guess still early days.

I’m really missing him at the moment and it’s getting me down. I’m fighting urges to contact him. I’m also in a really bad mood and very irritable. He’s on my mind from the moment I wake up. It can be good or bad.

I felt OK for the first few weeks but i feel so miserable now with not much appetite either. I feel like i havent got any energy and everything seems a huge task. Please say this gets better… I’m so worried about my future. Currently off work due to stress and living with my mum and feel a bit of a failure.

[Hawthorn]

Ah Im sorry but it’s unfortunately completely normal what you’re going through. It takes time for us to feel safe enough to begin to process the trauma we’ve been through, it was months after leaving before the sadness and despair hit me. It will pass, I promise, but will take time. Try to be gentle with yourself during this time; you are not a failure. It takes so much strength and bravery to live with abuse, and so much courage to escape it. This feeling will pass, and you will feel happiness and joy again, but I know that feels a long way off right now.

Try to focus on taking it one hour, even one minute at a time. Just concentrate on the basics; 3 meals a day even though the food may be like ashes in your mouth, some gentle movement and some fresh air, and as much sleep as you need. Processing trauma is so exhausting. Reach out for support if you can, here or to specialist services. It might not feel like it but by feeling your feelings you really are healing. Try to remain no contact with him if you can, like breaking any addiction you are suffering withdrawal. I found watching YouTube videos about abuse validated my experience and gave me the strength not to contact him when the missing him hit.
Breakups are hard at the best of times, even when there’s no abuse. Imagine what you’d say to friend who was going through what you are, and take that kindness and advice for yourself.

Sending love and light x

[Karisqq]

I’m sorry that things are hard. It’s normal that you miss him and feel like a failure since you did invest in the relationship. It’s frustrating when it doesn’t work after huge investment, but it’s okay, things just do not work out all the time, and it’s okay, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to fail. Accept your emotions, give yourself a break since you have gone through too much, and be patient with yourself, all will past and everything will be alright, truly.

[Indeepindance]

Excellent advice above and I can confirm this will be a matter of time unfortunately before you start to see even tiny improvements. Following a basic self-care routine I found so important despite not wanting to move from my bed. I too was off work for a while, living in a stranger’s house and unable to see any future or life for me ever again.

I noticed and started to focus on those little senses that felt familiar and comforting, drinking a cup of tea, taking a bath or shower, splashing my face with cold water,  having a change of clothes, going for a walk or just sitting outside. Really simple basic stuff but I just spent time ‘feeling’ them and trying not to think about anything else for a minute.

I get that feeling of failure, but what you’ve done shows incredible strength, and you’re now going through the shock and have the space to do it. It isn’t wrong, it’s normal, and it will slowly ease but with backwards steps along the way.

It’s sink or swim and you’ve already chosen, you just don’t realise it yet. Trust yourself and your body to repair itself, you will get there.

Xxxxx

[Bluebirds]

That comment really hit me. It’s sink or swim and you’ve already chosen, you just don’t realise it yet. Thankyou means so much x*x praying for that moment of swimming.

[Texas]

It does get better.  I went from crying every day to just feeling a bit sad during key dates, and the sadness is more about him feeling he had to treat me so appallingly when I did nothing wrong.  I too thought it would never end, but it does get easier.  I find it helpful to look back and see how far I have come.  Stay strong 💪

[Bluebirds]

Ladies I’m welling up reading all your comments. It means so much and knowing that all you have gone through this and things have got better for you does share some light. I’m getting teary alot 😢 what a whirlwind of emotions.

I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. However very far away  I know Its there and I cannot see it right now.

Thankyou for the advice and tips. I’m trying to do as much self care as possible. I need to get out more though. I know there isn’t any time frame for healing but I was with him my whole adult life double figure in years. Seems a life time ago! I just wish I knew when I’d feel better. I don’t even know who i am without him.

 

[Indeepindance]

I’m so glad you reached out on here because this forum is what made me realise I wasn’t going mad in what I thought had happened to me, that I’d done the right thing, and that everything I was feeling was recognised and normal. It really kept me going and I still read everyone’s posts.

And I really felt you, just wish I could give you a long hug as I know how impossible everything must seem right now.

Also as you’ve said, this forum is a great demonstration that people do come through it. I found it hard to believe for my situation initially as I think I was feeling it was too unique and no-one will truly understand, but it does come and you will realise there’s so much wisdom and experience from these ladies and that they can see you, from a vantage point you haven’t quite reached yet, but you will as you’ve already taken the biggest step.

My advice would be when you come across material that makes you doubt your decision, remember you will be easily triggered by anything that appears to not exactly fit your experience or situation. I still have moments like that when my blood drains and I think oh no, he never did that to me so I must be wrong! But again, I left and made myself homeless for some reason, that’s all I need to know.

That is a long time to be with someone, you’re even stronger than I thought. You slay!

And you’ve given yourself a chance of a real happy life back. And with everything you have learned and are about to over the coming months.

Yes it will take time, and it resonated when you said you don’t know who you are anymore. Such a sickening and terrifying experience, it took me a few weeks to feel ok going to the shops alone, we had done everything together and I was in a tailspin despite craving doing those things alone whilst I was still with him.

I was so angry with myself for not seeming to know what I wanted and messing with him, and convinced I’d walked away from the best thing I ever had, it’s so effed up. I still have a long way to go, but I have no opportunity to go back, so may as well keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Your emotions will be like a washing machine, all over the place, and you may feel like you have a split personality at times- ride it, allow the tears and the anger, let them flow and eventually they will lessen and you will find yourself reintroducing things into your life.

A few months out and I’ve just joined a gym for the first time in my life, and I don’t care what he’d think about that! I would’ve before as he’s still in my head.

I couldn’t even get out of bed in the beginning even though I wasn’t sleeping. Write your little victories down so you don’t forget, it’s really easy to take them for granted and not notice signs you’re healing.

There will still be things you can’t face (I still can’t watch TV or go into certain shops, listen to music) but all in good time. You will emerge from this a different person but harness it for the good it can bring. Give it purpose. You’re doing great.

Xxxxx

 

 

 

[Happybelle]

It does get better xx

i miss mine too…. but I’ve moved through that phase and now I’ve realised the missing him was just guilt at how it all ended and feeling bad about that bit.  Now I’ve realised that, the missing part has pretty much gone away and I’m just thinking about other things now… like where to string my fairy lights this Christmas!!!

Hang in there x

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