Missing the old site and members

[Starmoon]

I’ve had to change my name and it’s taken me over a month to be able to even log in and post… I’ve missed the support of you ladies and have very much needed it. I don’t know now if anyone will read this or reply where as I know on the old site I always received replies. My baby is here now, she’s beautiful but I can not appreciate her in the way I’d hoped because I’m lower than ever and I didn’t think it possible to be any lower than I was before.
I took him back because I truly believed I was the problem, I literally begged his forgiveness and found myself so broken that I have the mental health team perminanly involved in my life. He had me back and I opened myself up to him more than I ever had, believed I was not capable of making any choices and trusted his mind over my own. I felt like a child being looked after by him and bizarrely- I felt same and happy like that… Yet still the abuse continued, he became physical… Nothing huge, he punched me in the back a few weeks before our baby was born, punched me in the arm not long after she arrived. Pinned me up against the wall by the throat on a number of occasions and threw a glass of water at me.
All of which I accepted because I believed I was a nightmare and imposible to be with. He recently intimidated me so much that I recorded him but he found out and left me again.
This time he’s really gone for good which is killing me! Usually he sends me endless emails telling me how it’s all my fault but this time there’s nothing at all. I can’t help myself emailing him… It’s like he’s a drug I’m addicted to. I find myself daily sobbing to the point of not being able to breath because I feel I can’t live without him. This time around he made life so utterly perfect that I couldn’t fault anything when his switch flipped

[Falling Skys]

Hi starmoon xx

Welcome back and sorry it’s taken you si long ti get back on. I to have had lots of issues with the site but we are her now 😁

These abusers make us so low, that we believe it our fault it isn’t. You and your lovely child (congratulations by the way) will be a lot better with out him.

Get all the help you can and become a strong woman again. Be the best role model for your child.

[Savingmyself]

Hi Hun
I miss the old site too it was easier
Please call the helpline 0808 2000 247 and talk with someone who can help you
Yes they are like a drug and we have to stay away from it and go cold turkey
If you just give your self some time and space away from him you will see how abusive he is
Their actions show us exactly who they are !Their words mean nothing
Please go no contact on him do not email him come on here instead or call the helpline . Delete his email and phone number so you can’t contact him that helps
Hitting you when pregnant and after you gave birth is horrid
Abusers do not care about us only themselves
Please let him go and keep him away from you and babies they mean us no good
Concentrate and focus on enjoying your children
it will help you to take your mind off of him .
You have been through so much and he is no support to you
It’s now time to take care of you and enjoy a life of no more pain and abuse from him
Big hugs x*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi starmoon,

Well done for persevering and getting your supports gathered around you by coming on here. I’m so so glad you posted, I do remember you and I’m so pleased your beautiful, healthy baby girl arrived safely. I remember all your other previous posts from the last forum.

He has just done what all the other abusers do ‘the discard’. Its a 3 step process they carry out. The idealisation phase, the devaluing phase and now what he is doing to you is the ‘discard’ phase. It is abuse. It is cruel. He has just tossed you aside, when you are vulnerable (you have just had a baby). He is staying true to his pattern because you first posted when he had ‘discarded you’ when you were very vulnerable (you were pregnant).

So his pattern is discarding you. Your pattern (like nearly all of us ladies on here) is going back into the relationship when they decide. He really won’t be gone for long, you are his source of supply. He needs to have someone to abuse. If you implement strategy of ‘strict no contact’ he’ll be back. Unless he finds another ‘vicyim’ to abuse, but that takes work and you’re easier to abuse because he’s already done the hard work (its hard work for him to charm, and pretend to be nice) of breaking you in.

Keep posting and reading the posts. At the moment you are emotionally hurting badly from the abuse (the cold, callous, brutal discard) so no wonder you feel as you do.

Just take it an hour at a time. Spend time reading the other ladies posts for strength. You do not have to do this alone. We’ve been where you are now. It hurts like hell. Mind and emotions in a mess. But you will get through this, for you and your baby.

[Starmoon]

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and to recognize me from before.
Things are so so hard now. Last year I moved in temporarily with my parents after I had the brake down. I convinced myself and them that all the problems previously had been down to me and not because I was in an abisove relationship. I felt so sick that I’d ever considered it could be. I begged his forgiveness and promised I’d change. And now I’m left in a state of utter confusion. I believed myself to be less of a person, unable to think normally.. Second guessing everything that happened. I would constantly call my mum and ask her to mediate between us so that I could be sure I was making the rite choices.. But then he would be angry that our life was like the Jeremy Kyle show (his words). The thing is- I felt if I didn’t involve someone els, it would escalate and he’d leave me like he had in the past.. And I’d never understand why because I’d think my behavior was normal. I can reflect on things now and realize that in the past i probably took things too far and didn’t drop things when he’d maybe upset me.. And I should’ve just let it go. This was something I was learning to do but still it seems I was getting it wrong. This pattern of events it’s so new to me. Before he would leave and bombard me with messages of how I’ve destroyed his life, he’d either do this until I backed down and accepted it or he had a change of heart. But now there’s nothing from him at all and its me who’s sending all the messages… Am I the abuser??

[Savingmyself]

Hi Starmoon
No you are not the abuser he is please call the helpline 0808 2000 247
And they will assure you that he is the abuser and help advise you
He will never change and if you take him back when he is ready he will keep on hurting you like they all do it only gets worse
If you look up trauma bonds it will start making sense
Big hugs xx

[Confused123]

hey hun

congratulaions on baby first. again hun its not u , his just using another technique, u r experienceing trauma bonding , think i told u before, we have to wean ourselves of them, i just have to hear ex voice and am pull in, i had no contact finally for three month, was doing so well, my eldest is now in contact with him again, i heard his voice at new years eve and have been pulled in again, in sense am always checking when he was last on whats app, sad but true, his vocie when i hear him chatting with my eldest, mentally unsettles me, u have to be so strong whilst de attaching yourself, remind yourself why u left, u and your child both better off without him. u explain as last few incidents as not that bad, they r bad hun, no guy has right to hit us, intimidate us , focus on your main points life was perfect till he flipped, he did flip so life is not perfect, its good he has walk away, put things inplace to protect yourself, he did those things not u , his in wrong thats why his gone silent

[I want to break free]

Hello – sorry for the late reply but this is my first day on this forum. I wanted to say congratulations and how are you feeling now?

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling low, its such a vulnerable time after giving birth.

I wanted to echo what the other ladies have said. Its not you.

Please trust us when we say its not you. Try sometime apart. The longer the better, and you will start to see things a little more clearly. For me I could not see the wood for the trees when I was in the situation. I trusted the DV people I was speaking to as I knew I could not go on as I was and i took a leap of faith to get out. It was not until months later that I began to understand what had happened to me.

What you describe as “nothing huge” sounds huge enough to me. It is NEVER acceptable to hit and not when you are pregnant. You deserve better and better days will come if you leave him behind and focus on your lovely baby.

Sending you lots of hugs

[Serenity]

Hi Star moon,

I recognise you now- I k ow you from the old site, sweetie.

I a, sorry to hear things haven’t I proved and Confused is right, the problem isn’t you – it is him. I know you wouldn’t believe that before.

Truly, you aren’t. He is a self-absorbed and demanding a user, incapable of putting other people first.

We are all here for you x*x

[Starmoon]

I’m so so glad to see you back serenity. I hope you’re well x*x

[SaharaD]

I supposed I’m old-ish. Been on the forum for almost two years. Left my abuser over two years. Every day is a struggle but things are better than before.

[Author]

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