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    • #139374
      roadtohealing
      Participant

      Why are some people so cruel to others? I’ve asked myself this question for over (detail removed by Moderator) years. How can hurting someone make another person feel better about themselves? Over and over I have asked this question, I’m trying to find answers, trying to make sense of it all, but I just can’t.

      I don’t remember the month or year when the old Me slipped away and I became the person I am now, I didn’t even realise I was changing, I just kept focusing on getting though a moment, another day, another week, then another month, and gradually those months turned into years and the years tuned me into someone I now no longer recognise both emotionally and physically. How can someone even make your posture change without you ever realising?

      I miss being Me, the old me, I miss the person that looks back at me in old photos, the person that used to smile and laugh, the Me that used to buy new clothes and wore makeup, that used to look people in the eye and talk instead of down at the floor. I miss having friends, having someone to talk to, I miss watching TV and sharing a meal with someone. I miss the confidence I had, I miss having an a whole nights sleep, I miss affection, a touch, a hug, I miss hearing a kind word, I miss hearing my name and feeling as though I exist..

      The loss of You occurs and builds up without you realising, when you’re preoccupied with being a mum, school stuff, homework, parents evening, after school activities and so on. The hurt is there always in the background, but you push it away because you don’t want to look weak, you hide the shame you feel towards friends and family so you put on the ‘Happy Family’ act, you don’t want your children to see you sad, you try to fit in with the norm because you can’t face other people’s pity or tackless words. You lie to friends and family and mostly to yourself, and the years go by, and one day your children leave home, and what are you left with? Emptiness, you’re left with a great big sense of emptiness, and you realise that the You is no longer You. You have become something that he has created. That’s where I am now and it’s a really lonely scary place, a place that is actually worst than where I was in the past, and the more I struggle to find a way out, the deeper I seem to sink.

    • #139375
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi, @roadtohealing

      I miss her too.
      Your post is so beautifully heartwrenching. Just wanted to thank you for your words, and wish you a healthy recovery where you again find yourself, and more joy in life.

    • #139378
      TrappedButterfly
      Participant

      Hi roadtohealing… Your post has literally got me in tears. Your words are so powerful and has touched me in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing this because right now you have truly stropped me in my tracks… I can see me, in you, and what my future could possibly be.

      I wish there was a magic button so you were able rewind back to your old self. But other than this present moment in time, there is also a future awaiting…. One which I hope you can own and create. One where I hope you will begin to find the old you and take all those experiences to create an even stronger and happier you.

      Please keep reaching out so you don’t feel so alone. Sending you huge hugs. Xx

      • #139382
        roadtohealing
        Participant

        Thank you for you kind words.

        I too wish there was a magic button that would take me back to my old self, it’s something I wish for everyday, but sadly there isn’t one. But I have my thoughts and memories of good times with my son that I have inside my mind, I’m never ever going to hand those over to him, they will always be mine. As for the future, all it ever does is frighten me because it never has been something that I have ever been able to look forward to or plan for, I’ve always been kept in ‘limbo’, always kept off balance and made to feel insecure.

        I too hope I will one day find the strength within myself to find Me again, the Me that he has chipped away at into nothingness. I also sincerely hope your future will not be where I am now today, because although the future seems a long way away it creeps up on you without you realising, and before you know it you too will be wishing you could grow wings and fly the nest just like your children have..

    • #139380
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi roadtohealing

      Its one of the biggest question, asking why people who they are, whether good or evil, what made them that way and how they can even be that way, is what some of the best psychologists and psychiatrists have asked over the decades.

      Even if we knew, entirely, about one person, would it change who they are? Could we help them? Should we even want to? The closest people to those that perpetrate such devastating harm, are not those best placed to help, they need professionals, but rarely seek them. Nothing we can do.

      Waking up each day, and being awake, is not living, and having nothing left inside of who you are is not living. Eating, drinking, and some washing is not living.

      Being a refugee, miles away from your home, and not getting help, is not living.

      I get what you say, totally, I am also gone, and I don’t know if anyone gets it, even if they do, have no idea what to do about it. For a long time, too long, I have only existed because of children.

      yes, I hear that, the more you struggle to find a way out, the more you seem to sink.

      Can you write out what things you need help with, or the ways in which you struggle that could be eased with some help?

      There may be resources you’re not aware of that could make a huge difference to your life?

      Are you children still in your life? Doing ok?

      Keep posting, especially when you feel youa re sinking.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #139580
      AllAdrift
      Participant

      I feel for you so much with this situation.
      You will find yourself again but I think it means breaking the rules you have been “trained” into. Things you don’t even think about.

      For example, there are a lot of women now in the UK who have followed their dreams and bought a campervan and drive around beautiful parts of the country and go to meet ups together. Allsorts of women, all ages, each with a need for liberation and freedom. It’s these kinds of things that you may never think of anymore that may be just waiting for you – one small step at a time. There are womens travel and holiday groups, volunteering jobs can be fun and self-validating.

      I remember someone saying to me once: “Just peg your nose and jump”, scary but something interesting will happen!

      Best of luck xx

    • #139588
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I am barely hanging on its just all too much for me right now everything just is wrong feels wrong is going wrong.
      I hate me I hate my life Im so lost.
      This is one beautiful post that i have read over and over again. I dont have any answers Im right ghere with you sweetie lost alone and i just dont know how to find her again either.
      All I can say is try and hold on reach out talk and keep talking dont let ghese feelings fester and rot away, let them out. Talk shout scream and cry whatever you need to do to get you through this.
      Sending you so much love xxxxxxxx

      • #139594
        roadtohealing
        Participant

        Thank you nbumblebee, I too am barely hanging on, I keep waking up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep and then feel so drained during the day. Things are really bad for me too at the moment, and I just can’t see a way out. I’ve screamed, shouted, cried myself stupid, but nothing changes, my life is just stuck in this horrid rut which gets worse by the day..

        One thing I’ve really noticed though recently is that the nicer I try to be to him the nastier he gets, it’s like he seems he he thinks he has the upper hand, the more I try to talk to him, the more he withdraws, so now I’m playing him at his own game, I too have stopped talking to him. I know it sounds childish but when you have tried everything and nothing has worked, when there is no reasoning with him, no logic or sense, you end up thinking ‘well if I can’t beat him, I might as well join him’, and so now I’ll see how this goes because I’m tired, tired of everything and nothing is making any sense to me anymore.

        Hope things get better for you too, keep posting it really does help.

      • #139595
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Hugs 💜

    • #139607
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      🌻🌷🌹🌻🌷🌹🌻🌷🌹just taking a moment to enjoy the flowers and thought of you.💐 Picked you a bunch to enjoy too💕

      • #139622
        roadtohealing
        Participant

        Hazydayz, you’ve made my day, that’s so sweet. Thank you so much ☺️

      • #139732
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        roadtohealing, thankyou for bringing sunshine to my window too☀️🌻🌻

    • #139613
      liftingthefog
      Participant

      This post has me in tears. So poignantly and beautifully written. Also so absolutely true.
      I too don’t recognise myself after just (detail removed by moderator) with him. I know many of you have suffered for so much longer and my heart goes out to you.
      Unless one has been in the situation there is no way to articulate what it does to your very soul, and the very essence of you YOU once were.
      They take literally everything.
      Keep going on your healing journey, like you I am try to resurrect myself from the wreckage that I once believed to be ‘love’ …. I have finally accepted that there is no love involved on their part, only use and abuse.
      xx

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