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As the title says, I miss the old me, I miss how I felt when I first met him and thought he was a good man…
I’ve done some progress since the last time I logged in – I read the book “Why He Does That” as a member suggested here in the forum. It helped me a lot, but I still have questions and bad days.
I still wonder if he misses our good days too, or has completely moved on since he’s been dating someone new. And I know it’s leading me nowhere, this kind of thinking. He was abusive and probably will continue. But I miss him. It’s a bad day. 🙁 -
Wasitme the beginning phase of an abuser is usually over the top love bombing adult grooming and rushing things at a very fast pace so it doesn’t give you a chance to know them before the mask slips, abusers don’t move on as in find someone to love , they find someone to parasitise for different things they need , they’ll never be happy because they are like children who get bored with toys once the newness has worn off , you sound like your really really vulnerable at the moment and I feel for you , think about what you deserve and was this man ever good enough for you? They switch their behaviour to keep you hooked and confused, I remember what missing and feeling so vulnerable and dangerously low felt like but now I think why did I miss abuse? The beginning is an act they put on , they are wired differently to normal people , keep the focus on yourself and your healing , do what you can to support you in a healthy way , it’s gonna hurt , your trauma bonded , we’re all here for you , women’s aid will support you in any way they can , maybe offer you a counsellor, ok lovely , take care 💛💖💛💖💛
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Hello @Auriel, thank you for replying… ❤️
I can see my trauma bond clearly. Because even if there were good moments, there were many negative feelings also, and I try to remember these as well. The feeling of loneliness in a relationship, the fear of talking things out, the hopelessness when I saw no change but couldn’t leave.
It was my first long-term relationship, and I treasured our cuddles, our supermarket visits. You know, the small things. I often wonder how can a relationship feel so normal and abusive at the same time?
I can’t picture me doing everyday things with someone else and it is sad. Worse, I am afraid of relationships altogether. I am afraid someone will be able to gain my trust and then change. I have yet to see a healthy interaction in a couple close to me. Most men are abusive.Any words of advice or experience are welcome.
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I know it’s really hard when it’s your first , my first was abusive , my 2nd long term also abusive I couldn’t understand why I put up with such horrible teatment but I was trained at a young age to accept it as normal and to put others needs above my own , have you done the freedom course ? It’s really handy to know what normal/ abnormal relationships are supposed to be be like , no one deserves to be abused , give yourself time it’s gonna take a while it’s had a profound effect on you which is understandable ,you recognise things now , that’s a really good thing, and your right there are lot of abusers out there, mine reinforced my already poor self esteem , all of us on this forum deserve so much better than what we’ve had, just take some time out and do things you love, feel everything you need even the painful feelings , the missing him days will lessen I promise , take care sending love and a big hug 💖💛💖
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Hi @Auriel. I understand what you’re saying, in some ways abuse has been introduced to us during our upbringing. Also us being women, we are expected (by society) to put up with a lot of abusive behavior because “good girls” and “boys will be boys”…
I haven’t done the Freedom Program, no. As I saw I have to pay for it and I can’t at the moment. Do you know if there is something similar for free download? My first language isn’t English and I don’t live in UK. But I can understand the language well enough.
I also posted about him getting married, I feel devastated. He must be treating her so good in order for things to move so fast. He had proposed to me as well, but I wanted to get to know him better. How does she not see a red flag in this behavior? So many questions…You, us, we all deserve better as you said. Thank you so much for the love, I’m sending you virtual hugs. ❤️
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@was-it-me I feel the same as you. I miss the man I thought I knew the good man I first met and it’s so hard to remember the bad times. It’s so hard to think of them with somebody else too, mine was cheating for months and it’s heart breaking! I feel like I’ve been destroyed by both him and his new partner, it’s hard to see better days.
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@Stressedandalone his cheating had nothing to do with you, it was his fault and you deserve trust and love.
I can feel your heartbreak. My thoughts are all over the place. If they weren’t charming in the beginning they wouldn’t have a chance with women though, right?
Why do you feel destroyed by his new partner, is she the one he cheated on you with? It is unethical to nurture this behavior, but are you sure she knows the truth? -
She keeps contacting me rubbing it in that they are together, she is the one he cheated with and he’s told me so many times he doesn’t want to be with her but let’s her answer his phone giving me abuse, swearing at me. Yeah he’s super charming. I hate that I trusted him and that I let him abuse me for so long. But yet I still miss him and I miss my life
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@Stressedandalone I’m so sorry. You need to cut them off your life, block their numbers so they can’t reach you.
I understand how chaotic and hurtful this is. I sadly have no other good advise on how we will completely get over their abuse except for therapy.I am searching for a therapist to help me cope, but their prices are so high… I feel worthless, like a stepping stone he used to get to his ideal life and wife. I suffered multiple physical illnesses due to stress and sadness after the breakup, while he was out there (during covid) searching for his next romance. I was strong, I didn’t get back with him, but that’s all I accomplished and in what cost?
At least you know she is a toxic person as well. In my mind, my ex’s wife is an angel for all I (don’t) know. The comparison hits hard when all you see is happy Facebook photos…I miss him too. I hate myself.
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@was-it-me please don’t hate yourself. I know exactly how you feel and I’m sure a lot of women on here do. You wonder what she had that you don’t have but at the end of the day we never deserved the treatment we got. I’ve spoken to my ex’s ex partner and she had the same treatment I did and I wish somebody would have told me the true him as o knew a stranger for a long time! His new wife will get the same treatment too and let’s hope she is as strong as you to walk away. Facebook only ever shows the good stuff not what’s going on behind closed doors.
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@Stressedandalone you spoke to your ex’s ex? Oh wow, I wish I could do that… My ex never spoke about his past relationships and he didn’t have any of them contacts on his facebook. At least that’s what he used to tell me – that past is in the past.
The only thing I know is that he was engaged for some years, and that he felt “selfish” back then. I took it for good that he didn’t blame his ex for the breakup… Then again, not being able or want to (or keep secret) to pinpoint why an engagement ended is kind of a red flag.I wish I knew how he behaved to other women. Maybe then I wouldn’t try and take all the blame.
You are in luck of knowledge.
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