30th June 2020 at 6:19 am #108215
Hi, I have an telephone appointment to talk to someone tomorrow from my local woman’s aid for some legal advice and help as I’m not sure what my next step is and how to potentially ask him to go ( it is not his home).
He has been on best behaviour for last few weeks while I’ve been sorting out what I need to do, but yesterday evening I think I have fallen into a charmer trap, on and on he went, nicely, about he knew there was something not right and how worried he was etc etc and I cracked and spoke a bit to him about how I felt. He appeared to listen, he didn’t get cross he talked about getting help as he doesn’t realise he is like this or it happens so often. But I think I may have really messed up, I’m so rubbish at this, even now I don’t want to hurt anyone even if they have hurt me. I still don’t really think he “got” it or the gravitas of how for example swearing at me would have an impact on our child. Will this have just given him ammunition if he chooses to use it? I’m So confused, I think that it may have been the first time in years that I spoke to him about something I was unhappy about without him blowing up at me, but that in itself is odd? Do you try and talk it through ever and then give up on it because they just don’t get it? Or wa this a massive mistake?
30th June 2020 at 6:54 am #108217KIP.Participant
Hey, nothing is a mistake when you learn from it. Wait till you speak to women’s aid and they will guide you. Abusers are liars and manipulators. There’s no point in trying to talk to them about the abuse because I’m sure you’ve done it hundreds of times and yet his abuse continues. It’s not your job to make him non abusive. Google the cycle of abuse. He knows he’s hurt you and you’re backing off so he will pretend to be and do anything to hook you back in then round and round the abuse goes. The fact you know it’s a charmer trap is great but it won’t last. You need to get him out and go zero contact until your head overtakes your heart.
30th June 2020 at 8:24 am #108225LottieblueParticipant
Speaking from my own experience only, but you might find it helpful anyway… I had this situation, before I woke up to the fact that my husband was abusive. I was very upset about the way our lives were and the role he expected me to play in it. I poured my heart out and he seemed to listen. Instead of telling me that I had to man up and get on with it, or getting cross and leaving the room, he listened. I felt so much better. He was kind to me.
Since my great awakening towards the end of last year, I have thought back on that moment several times, asking myself what was happening there. Was I actually getting somewhere? But I think that the conclusion I have come to is that he figured that being kind and attentive was the way to calm me down in order to get me back in my cage. Nothing changed.
So the answer from you question is… as long as you understand what was going on, don’t beat yourself up about it. He might (just might) use what you said against you to belittle you, but if you are expecting this, just put up a shield against it. He might also be bricking it, realising that you are serious, and continue to charm you for some time in order to lull you back to where he wants you (in your cage), but you need to be really clear in your head what he is really like. And hold on tight to that.
In a way, it’s a good thing to have done, because now you know you tried that avenue too.
I know that, when it comes to it, I will be able to tell my husband that I did try, again and again, to tell him I was unhappy. And that it is he who has chosen not to make it better.
Keep talking to people, stay on track, and don’t let him take control of your head.
30th June 2020 at 7:10 pm #108295
Hi thank you for your replies, very helpful. Ok, really weird and not sure if anyone has come across this before……tonight he has just sat down and asked me to tell him everything again as he can’t remember the conversation properly but realised it was important? I said I didn’t understand as we sat for an hour while I told him so how can he not remember? I have refrained from repeating it at the moment as not sure what is going on? Any thoughts? Thank you so much.
30th June 2020 at 7:23 pm #108296Wants To HelpParticipant
Well that just proves he either wasn’t really listening to you, or he’s thought it over and now wants you to explain it again so that this time he can turn it around on you and ‘monopolise the perception’ of what you think is the issue.
Either way, don’t explain again. A man who was genuinely interested in what you had to say, a man who is sincere and concerned about your thoughts and feelings, would not ask you to explain it all again, he’d have heard you the first time. He had his chance, he blew it. You’re wasting your breath.
2nd July 2020 at 6:59 am #108451
Thank you for your replies. I haven’t told him again. I would always have tried to be ‘helpful’ previously, it’s my nature so Hard to stop. Ive been in touch with my local woman’s aid and I kind of have a plan but I’m so tired. My brain feels frazzled and I feel frozen to the spot, is this usual? The questioning ones self ? The doubting? All while trying to maintain a sense of joy and balance for my little boy? That seems highly important, I feel I’m fighting my partners negative view of my parenting ability whilst knowing I’m doing ok, watching my child play in the woods yesterday on a distance play date having a wonderful time, I think I’m doing right by him but the lack of confidence that overtakes me sometimes is hard.
2nd July 2020 at 7:26 am #108453EggshellsParticipant
If you’re planning on getting out, then you are doing right by your son.
Someothing is definitely not right about him asking you to explain it all again. Well done for not doing that. I suspect he either wanted to be able to give you excuses for his behaviour or he possibly wanted to record it for some reason.
I agree with previous comments. You tried telling him and you’ll find out that in the end, it makes no difference at all to how he behaves. At least you’ll know you tried.
His behaviour is very typical. When I spoke to my ex, he admitted everything. He even admitted to some very serious crimes against me. Now he denies everything.
By chance I had secretly recorded the conversation when he admitted everything. I’d just heard about gaslighting and wanted to be able to have the opportunity to listen back on our conversation to see if he was gaslighting me. He was. I recorded all of our conversations after that. My sister bought me a voice recorder which looked just like a memory stick and fitted easily into my pocket. I caught everything, the hoovering, the gaslighting, the lies, the anger, the denials, the lovebombing, the manipulating, the threats, everything that is coercion. I found it really helped in those moments of self doubt. I could listen back for a reminder of why I was leavnig and by chance, I also now have a recorded confession.
2nd July 2020 at 8:43 am #108462LottieblueParticipant
WantstoHelp has said exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t quite find the words! “Monopolise perception” is a brilliant way of putting it. He has gone away, thought about what you said and realised that he hasn’t turned it all back round on you so he’s going to have another go.
Stick to your guns, you’ve got all of us at your back. X
2nd July 2020 at 6:22 pm #108554
Thank you again. ok, so if i manage to get him to go, in a calm way so it doesn’t cause distress to our son. Even if it is under the guise of breathing space initially. What happens next? How does it work regarding our child and stuff like that. Is it possible to organise contact etc in a way that stays out of solicitors and things or is that a pipe dream? we are not married.
Would all decisions have to be agreed from both of us ? as an example our son has not really been doing any of the work set at home for lots of reasons, including what is going on and because i just find my confidence in dealing with this kind of stuff has dropped enormously. The head would like him to come back in for the last few weeks just so he has some time in education before they break up and also to give me the support of him being in school and safe. I just don’t even know how i talk to my partner about that as he would then surely find out that it was school who i originally spoke to as I “cracked”. It all feels so terribly complicated and i think because I’m continually jumping to the next step and worrying about the hows, whys and whats I’m finding it very hard to actually make the first leap.
2nd July 2020 at 6:41 pm #108557[email protected]Participant
Hi there – try to take one step at a time. He is trying to manipulate you by being nice that’s when lots of women get sucked back into the relationship. It took we years to realise his tears were crocodile tears 😭 the child contact stuff can be sorted. You’ve lost your confidence down to him criticising you xx this is what they do to undermine our authority as a mum. It’s very very common. Get advice from WA about a plan to get him out XX the best option is for your son and yourself not to be there. Let the officials deal with him xx verbal and emotional abuse are criminal behaviours so you are within your rights not to be subjected to any more abuse xx your child sounds happy when he’s out with you. So there u go kids are very resilient xx
2nd July 2020 at 11:12 pm #108605
Thank you. Do I need to prove anything? I guess I’m worried he’s going to turn it all around on me, not sure how or why. I’m just nervous about the whole situation, I always feel so powerless. If there is a thread I should be reading re children etc I’m very happy to be directed.
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