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Hi, I have an telephone appointment to talk to someone tomorrow from my local woman’s aid for some legal advice and help as I’m not sure what my next step is and how to potentially ask him to go ( it is not his home).
He has been on best behaviour for last few weeks while I’ve been sorting out what I need to do, but yesterday evening I think I have fallen into a charmer trap, on and on he went, nicely, about he knew there was something not right and how worried he was etc etc and I cracked and spoke a bit to him about how I felt. He appeared to listen, he didn’t get cross he talked about getting help as he doesn’t realise he is like this or it happens so often. But I think I may have really messed up, I’m so rubbish at this, even now I don’t want to hurt anyone even if they have hurt me. I still don’t really think he “got” it or the gravitas of how for example swearing at me would have an impact on our child. Will this have just given him ammunition if he chooses to use it? I’m So confused, I think that it may have been the first time in years that I spoke to him about something I was unhappy about without him blowing up at me, but that in itself is odd? Do you try and talk it through ever and then give up on it because they just don’t get it? Or wa this a massive mistake? -
Hey, nothing is a mistake when you learn from it. Wait till you speak to women’s aid and they will guide you. Abusers are liars and manipulators. There’s no point in trying to talk to them about the abuse because I’m sure you’ve done it hundreds of times and yet his abuse continues. It’s not your job to make him non abusive. Google the cycle of abuse. He knows he’s hurt you and you’re backing off so he will pretend to be and do anything to hook you back in then round and round the abuse goes. The fact you know it’s a charmer trap is great but it won’t last. You need to get him out and go zero contact until your head overtakes your heart.
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Hi Seaglass,
Speaking from my own experience only, but you might find it helpful anyway… I had this situation, before I woke up to the fact that my husband was abusive. I was very upset about the way our lives were and the role he expected me to play in it. I poured my heart out and he seemed to listen. Instead of telling me that I had to man up and get on with it, or getting cross and leaving the room, he listened. I felt so much better. He was kind to me.
Since my great awakening towards the end of last year, I have thought back on that moment several times, asking myself what was happening there. Was I actually getting somewhere? But I think that the conclusion I have come to is that he figured that being kind and attentive was the way to calm me down in order to get me back in my cage. Nothing changed.
So the answer from you question is… as long as you understand what was going on, don’t beat yourself up about it. He might (just might) use what you said against you to belittle you, but if you are expecting this, just put up a shield against it. He might also be bricking it, realising that you are serious, and continue to charm you for some time in order to lull you back to where he wants you (in your cage), but you need to be really clear in your head what he is really like. And hold on tight to that.
In a way, it’s a good thing to have done, because now you know you tried that avenue too.
I know that, when it comes to it, I will be able to tell my husband that I did try, again and again, to tell him I was unhappy. And that it is he who has chosen not to make it better.
Keep talking to people, stay on track, and don’t let him take control of your head. -
Hi thank you for your replies, very helpful. Ok, really weird and not sure if anyone has come across this before……tonight he has just sat down and asked me to tell him everything again as he can’t remember the conversation properly but realised it was important? I said I didn’t understand as we sat for an hour while I told him so how can he not remember? I have refrained from repeating it at the moment as not sure what is going on? Any thoughts? Thank you so much.
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Well that just proves he either wasn’t really listening to you, or he’s thought it over and now wants you to explain it again so that this time he can turn it around on you and ‘monopolise the perception’ of what you think is the issue.
Either way, don’t explain again. A man who was genuinely interested in what you had to say, a man who is sincere and concerned about your thoughts and feelings, would not ask you to explain it all again, he’d have heard you the first time. He had his chance, he blew it. You’re wasting your breath.
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Thank you for your replies. I haven’t told him again. I would always have tried to be ‘helpful’ previously, it’s my nature so Hard to stop. Ive been in touch with my local woman’s aid and I kind of have a plan but I’m so tired. My brain feels frazzled and I feel frozen to the spot, is this usual? The questioning ones self ? The doubting? All while trying to maintain a sense of joy and balance for my little boy? That seems highly important, I feel I’m fighting my partners negative view of my parenting ability whilst knowing I’m doing ok, watching my child play in the woods yesterday on a distance play date having a wonderful time, I think I’m doing right by him but the lack of confidence that overtakes me sometimes is hard.
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If you’re planning on getting out, then you are doing right by your son.
Someothing is definitely not right about him asking you to explain it all again. Well done for not doing that. I suspect he either wanted to be able to give you excuses for his behaviour or he possibly wanted to record it for some reason.
I agree with previous comments. You tried telling him and you’ll find out that in the end, it makes no difference at all to how he behaves. At least you’ll know you tried.
His behaviour is very typical. When I spoke to my ex, he admitted everything. He even admitted to some very serious crimes against me. Now he denies everything.
By chance I had secretly recorded the conversation when he admitted everything. I’d just heard about gaslighting and wanted to be able to have the opportunity to listen back on our conversation to see if he was gaslighting me. He was. I recorded all of our conversations after that. My sister bought me a voice recorder which looked just like a memory stick and fitted easily into my pocket. I caught everything, the hoovering, the gaslighting, the lies, the anger, the denials, the lovebombing, the manipulating, the threats, everything that is coercion. I found it really helped in those moments of self doubt. I could listen back for a reminder of why I was leavnig and by chance, I also now have a recorded confession.
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Morning Seaglass,
WantstoHelp has said exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t quite find the words! “Monopolise perception” is a brilliant way of putting it. He has gone away, thought about what you said and realised that he hasn’t turned it all back round on you so he’s going to have another go.
Stick to your guns, you’ve got all of us at your back. X -
Thank you again. ok, so if i manage to get him to go, in a calm way so it doesn’t cause distress to our son. Even if it is under the guise of breathing space initially. What happens next? How does it work regarding our child and stuff like that. Is it possible to organise contact etc in a way that stays out of solicitors and things or is that a pipe dream? we are not married.
Would all decisions have to be agreed from both of us ? as an example our son has not really been doing any of the work set at home for lots of reasons, including what is going on and because i just find my confidence in dealing with this kind of stuff has dropped enormously. The head would like him to come back in for the last few weeks just so he has some time in education before they break up and also to give me the support of him being in school and safe. I just don’t even know how i talk to my partner about that as he would then surely find out that it was school who i originally spoke to as I “cracked”. It all feels so terribly complicated and i think because I’m continually jumping to the next step and worrying about the hows, whys and whats I’m finding it very hard to actually make the first leap. -
Hi there – try to take one step at a time. He is trying to manipulate you by being nice that’s when lots of women get sucked back into the relationship. It took we years to realise his tears were crocodile tears 😭 the child contact stuff can be sorted. You’ve lost your confidence down to him criticising you xx this is what they do to undermine our authority as a mum. It’s very very common. Get advice from WA about a plan to get him out XX the best option is for your son and yourself not to be there. Let the officials deal with him xx verbal and emotional abuse are criminal behaviours so you are within your rights not to be subjected to any more abuse xx your child sounds happy when he’s out with you. So there u go kids are very resilient xx
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Ok I am building the courage today to ask him to go ( initially temporarily to ease any agro). He must sense something as now asking if something has happened in last 24 hrs, has he upset me, do I like him and the c*****r that is ‘is it something to do with the menopause!’. This is the pattern isn’t it? Playing the desperate part now so I feel guilty?
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Hi seaglass, I see you are particularly worried about the child access side of things. I was too. I initially didn’t go through court or anything, and for a while things seemed to be going reasonably okay with the timings. But he kept wanting more and more, and threatened to isolate the children with him during lockdown, (detail removed by Moderator). Now that I’ve allowed contact for so long, he is in a better position to ask for more and I’m in a worse position for allowing what I did. I can’t say whether or not you will be able to work it out amicably, there may be people on here who have managed (detail removed by Moderator). I just wanted to share my experience of it, and that in a way I wish I’d formalised it all from the get go.
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Not sure if this is actually helpful or not reading back through your posts and the responses. I think people are right, just take one step at a time. If the first one is just getting him out the door then all this access stuff can come later. I realise that me saying about my experience might make you think that you need to wait, but really you don’t. I just wanted to be honest about my experience with it. I hope that makes sense and I haven’t done any damage :/ xx
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sorry only just saw this coming back up – when dad hurts mom is on amazon it covers everything including how they manipulate the kids how to deal with it. what to teach the kids ie how to deal with their dad. how this works. the last few chapters cover dealing with professional people like caffcass maybe a therapist for your child. womens aid can help with this too xx
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Sorry I have only just seen these replies. Thank you so much. He is still here, I will look at the book and that chapter and also, thank you Balloons that is helpful. I have delayed slightly but that is me bucking up the courage, Im just not sure what to say, which sounds daft. He’s being well behaved so I don’t have that opportunity when he says something terrible to respond.
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