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    • #33876
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Before the weekend began I was set on my plan. How I need to leave and move on with my life, how this isn’t working isn’t going to work. I was looking at rentals and getting my out plan sorted. Now today I am feeling so sad about all of this, how can my marriage be over, how can this be it? We’ve only been married a year and this is it? All my strength seems to have left me and I am just left with sadness….

    • #33878
      Robin
      Participant

      It’s really hard. I feel the same and I’ve been married (detail removed by moderator). I think we will be sad regardless of time together. I read somewhere that really it’s a type of mourning. I never wanted to be a divorce statistic but equally I wouldn’t have the chosen the man I’m with now, the bad times out weigh the good.

      I’ve read that most abuse starts when they they know they have you, marriage, kids…ring any bells. I now recognise the signs I saw before and after marriage but I really noticed the abuse after childbirth.

      I feel lost, sad and really low. I know I will miss the life I thought I would have had and I know my kids will be sad. But, I want to be out of this pressure cooker. I want to see my family. I want to have friends. I want to be loved. I want to feel the gentle caress of some who loves me and expects nothing in return. I want to have healthy disagreements and debate where my view is not a ‘stupid’ one because it is valid because I am a valid individual. I want to be me.

      Liliaclady – try to let go of what you perceive to be defeat. I’ve read your other posts and have seen you’re not happy – go back and re-read them to remind yourself why you’re posting on a site for those fighting abuse. Be strong. You’re not alone. Big hugs x

    • #33881
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi HUn

      Take it as a blessing u was only married a year and you saw through him, i wasted two decades of my life hoping my ex would change, it really doesnt matter the marriage didnt work, we get so worked up about that, what really matters is how much heartache you are going to save yourself long term

    • #33886
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I just feel so confused again!! The weekend was not great (not as awful as previous but not great) we ended up “talking” last night about things which was full on him saying
      How he feels and me saying how I feel…this morning telling me why can’t you just smile and stop killing our relationship. And today being really nice to me…I hate feeling this confused!!!

      Robin- I so get what you say….it totally increased for me after having my son. Had happened before but very on and off. And I just want to be me too!! I’m going to re read my posts. Good idea. I just feel utterly defeated today.

      Confused123 – thinking of it that way has helped. What doesn’t help is him being all nice and over the top lovey dovey like nothing is wrong! He’s done such a good job of invalidating how I feel!

      Tomorrow is a new day… hoping I get my strength back to proceed with getting me and my life back!!

    • #33888
      bunsandcakes
      Participant

      I am sorry to say this is all tactics of abuse. Leaving you feeling like you are the one being unreasonable or difficult… making you feel confused.. keeping you on your toes so you dont know if its Mr Perfect today or Mr Hell. This isnt a normal relationship. You shouldnt have these terrible ups and downs. Focus on the plan and get out. Its emotionally exhausting but it is possible. I left a (detail removed by moderator) ago and there were days when I thought ‘what the hell am I doing I should win him back’ before leaving but since I left I have not once regretted that decision. They make you feel like it’s fixable or like they can change.. they cant. Be strong, sending you so much strength to get through this period. It will be better on the other side.

    • #33930
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thank you bunsandcakes I needed to read that. I am starting to look at places to rent and I’m now in a state of disbelief that this is what I have come to. I know this can’t go on this endless cycle I just need to be strong now, stronger than I have ever been and see it through. Never before have I been so fearful of a next step just feels HUGE and what if I am making a terrible mistake. They do make it feel like it is fixable and change can happen….. I know it can’t. But yet still I feel so mixed up!

    • #33948
      EeyoreNoMore
      Participant

      Hey Lilac, I think what you’re going through is totally normal.

      We do have to grieve for the life we thought we were going to have with him; we have to accept that it was a facade and that moving on is hard and scary. However, life after, as a survivor is infinitely better than living with the abuse, the self doubt and the false hope. xx

    • #33968
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Still feeling the same 🙁 doesn’t help that he is being nice at the moment would be easier if he was being awful! Just want to get my strength back…

    • #33973
      Serenity
      Participant

      He’s sensing that you want out, so he’s quickly back-tracking.

      These abusers like being the one to leave. Their ego can’t take being left.

      I nearly left my ex soon after having my youngest. I wish I had. He ruined my health.

      KIP used to say in her posts: they are showing you who they really are- believe them. They can back-track and try to pretty it up by being all nice again, but I believe a person capable of being so unkind can easily be so again.

      I have a friend who recently gave her partner a second chance. He hadn’t hit her, it was mental and emotional abuse. He refused to let her give up on them, he apologised, kept leaving presents on her doorstep… now she’s going through the extreme anxiety all over again, because the abuse had re-started.

      X*x

    • #33982
      lilaclady
      Participant

      The back tracking definitely makes sense, I feel also that he sense me wanting to leave so he wants to be able to say but I’ve been so helpful and caring to you the last few days why are you still unhappy with me, why are you still not giving me any love or kindness. He is almost doing it so he can add fuel to the fire that I am the one not giving the relationship a chance and killing it. His ego won’t take being left and also he won’t want other people to know. Today I have just had a series of really nice texts asking how my day was, let’s see how long it takes for that to stop and for something to anger him or make him explode.

    • #33984
      KIP.
      Participant

      The series of nice texts are pure manipulation. He doesn’t actually care or is interested in your well being. It’s all part of the bigger game to him. Why wait for him to get nasty again? You’re stuck in the cycle of abuse and you know it’s going to get worse. I needed help from women’s aid to get out. Can you contact your local women’s aid and speak to one of their workers. It’s great to have that support whilst trying to get out. It’s the mind games and manipulation that’s keeping you there. Ask yourself if all his bullying and coercion and mind games stopped, what would be keeping you there? It’s ca confidence and self esteem problem which he has whittled away over the years. You were strong happy and healthy before you met him and you will be again ❤️

    • #34016
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thanks KIP it’s all so weird he’s being really nice and normal at the moment. And I have a feeling that when he snaps he will definitely be saying how I have wound him up because he has been trying and I haven’t as I am very withdrawn from him and snappy at the moment. I don’t have a local womens aid as I am not in the UK (wish I did!) . But this forum is helping me HUGELY and I have read a lot a books which has also helped. I certainly feel like I am stuck in a cycle here and I hate it now!

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