Mixed messages

[TeaTeaTea]

I’d be grateful if somebody with experience of DA and getting out could help me with this. I’m aware that you don’t have all the details, but any insight, ways to work this out, steps I could take, etc. would be appreciated.

I called WA a few weeks ago, they suggested a DA support service local to me, who I have recently contacted. I had an assessment with them today, which I scored really low on, which I guess is good, but I was hoping for more support to navigate leaving my partner. They did advice that I makes moves towards finding somewhere else to live, suggested a few ways to go about this, like zoopla, and wished me well.

When I phoned WA, they advised leaving first and telling my partner afterwards, whereas the local service thought my reluctance to speak to my partner was due to nerves. To be honest, I really don’t know! My therapist wants me to log stuff with the police, like rough play, whipping with tea towel, so I’m getting very mixed messages. Is it sbuse or not? Should I hide the fact I’m planning to leave or not? My therapist says I normalised the abuse, and don’t see it, and I’ve never been sure. I am confused!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, the fact you’re confused wanting to leave and not tell him says what we all know, yourself included, your partner is abusing you. Yes you’re nervous about leaving him, but why are you nervous. What has he said or done or implied he’d do to make you nervous about leaving. It’s a very very lonely place being in an abusive relationship but there is a way out. There’s always a way, just sometimes it takes a long time to actually get up the courage to leave. I’d love to be able to say to my oh, we’re over, I want a divorce, and he’s always said I’m not stopping you from leaving,, he’s very good at telling me he’s been put out of better places than this. But I’ve seen his temper, I’ve seen the devil inside him, I’ve seen the way he treats my dogs, I’ve seen how he treats people he thinks have done him wrong, that’s what stops me leaving. As to logging things with the police, I too haven’t done it, too scared things would be taken out of my control, what I would advise is logging down what he’s done previously in a journal and in future include dates and times who was there or if in private. Have you spoken to your doctor at how his behaviour is making you feel, that you want to leave but are scared to. It’s another outside professional view to abusive behaviour. Keep posting and reading others posts, you’ll gain so much information and knowledge is power as they say. Ask anything and soneine will have some insight into it. Welcome to the forum, I just wish you didn’t need to be part of this club 😪
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi TeaTeaTea,

I’m sorry to read that you’re getting mixed messages, which is not helpful in an already confusing situation. Speaking for Women’s Aid, we always advise planning to leave and doing so without your partner’s knowledge. It’s the safest approach. If your partner were to know you were planning to leave he may change his tactics or increase his abusive behaviour. From your previous posts, it sounds like your partner is behaving in an emotionally abusive, controlling and threatening way.

I understand it can feel uncomfortable or over the top planning in secret, but it is always what we advise. You never know when abuse can escalate. If you are worried about how he may react, whether in a physical or emotional manner, then that’s another reason to plan to leave carefully.

If you have been seeing your therapist for some time, and they say you have normalised the abuse, I would suggest that is most likely the truth. In general women normalise and minimise as a way of coping.

I hope this helps a little,

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you, Lisa.

That is helpful.

[Author]

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