2nd July 2020 at 12:44 pm #108504
Hi ladies, looking for some more advice on child contact.
I’ve arranged a FaceTime call for my child with his aunt and cousins. But his aunt has now come back and asked if his nan can also have a FT call. My ex is bailed with her and I haven’t liked how she has handled the situation so far.
My child was with her when (detail removed by moderator). when I went to pick them up the next day, she had told them that (detail removed by moderator) and she wasn’t going to hide this from them. I think that was a really inappropriate way of talking about the situation, not her place to do and not in the best interests of my child. The minute I picked them up they were asking questions so I had no opportunity to sit them down and properly talk about what had happened.
(detail removed by moderator) she text my child, unbeknownst to me, and said she would try and pop over (detail removed by moderator). She then emailed me (detail removed by moderator) and said when could she come over – not was my child ok? would it be ok to come over? etc. I genuinely wouldn’t have had a problem if she had done it in the right way. But she’s another controller. And I’ve had enough of being controlled in my life!
So I was thinking of texting back my sister in law and explaining the above and that parameters need to be set. Or do you think I should handle it in a different way? I don’t want to give them any ammunition against me.
Any advice greatly appreciated xx
2nd July 2020 at 1:36 pm #108513Wants To HelpParticipant
If your abuser is living at his mum’s house and you allow FT call with your son and his mum I can bet you that your abuser will pop up on it. His face will either appear, or his voice will be in the background having something to say that is unlikely to be positive. If you see him or hear him it is likely to have an effect on you and everything you have achieved.
I really think that you just have to hang on in there until the bail date and avoid contact with the abuser and abuser household. Tell the aunt that this ‘lack of contact’ with paternal grandparent(s) is only temporary until the bail date and you are not doing this out of spite or anything, you just want to make sure the legal procedures are followed without any chance of further allegations being made from any party.
I know how everything appears to be dragging on at the moment, and is seems like it’s going on ‘forever’ but it won’t be forever.
Is your son missing his Nan? Is he asking to speak to her or see her? Is he showing signs of withdrawal or upset? If he is then I can understand your urgency for him to have some contact with her, but if he’s not, then don’t feel put under pressure by the family. You have done so much in this past few weeks to protect you both and make a difference for your future – don’t let anything get in the way of that and take the wind out of your sails at this stage. Stand firm with what YOU want now and don’t give in to the whims of anyone else. Often it is these needs that we feel that we must be ‘fair’ with people that are our downfall in these situations. We really need to find the resolve to stay strong.
2nd July 2020 at 1:46 pm #108514iliketeaParticipant
Yes, I agree with WTH, I had a question mark when I first read your post and couldn’t work out what it was and so didnt reply, couldn’t work out what I wanted to say. But that is it. It has to be led by your son. Child led. Always. It seems they’re putting on a lot of pressure, and you have to ask yourself why? Would they FT if you went on holiday for 3 weeks?
Stay strong. You are being reasonable. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re protecting your son and you. You have been living in an abusive household for a long time. xx
2nd July 2020 at 1:51 pm #108515iammeParticipant
If you’ve already agreed to FaceTime calls, you could make it so that the children have a designated area to make and receive calls or use a computer. With my ex, the children were just a way of getting to me. He didn’t really care about them. He eventually gave up because he didn’t want cafcass knowing the things he did and what the children thought. He also couldn’t be bothered to spend money on seeing them. He wanted unsupervised but he had never been alone with them before. He was planning on brainwashing them but my children were old enough to tell social services how they felt.
Don’t worry about contact, if he’s not getting to you, he’ll give up. And in the event that he is actually interested in his kids, it’s a good thing. The rules you’ve set out are sensible and keep you safe in the contact process.
I hope all goes well x
2nd July 2020 at 2:43 pm #108526
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I don’t want my child to have FT contact at this stage (and nothing has been agreed) with his dad or anyone where he’s living. And my child hasn’t asked about it. They did ask when would they see their dad, would it be not for a month? I said probably not for a month as legal stuff to sort and they said ‘oh ok’. So no pressure from home just from paternal family.
So WTH I’m going to reply as you suggest. I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and they basically said I can do what I think is best. Of course I’m a fair person so I always want to do the right thing. But not right for them. Right for me and my child. The last thing I need is for them to get in my child’s ear about poor daddy.
As always you all are here when I need you.i thank god I found this forum and you x*x
2nd July 2020 at 3:44 pm #108533
I’d agree don’t do anything until you know what’s happening legally. Even if it takes time always do this the safe way. Emotional abuse happens through child contact so u sound like I’ve got it sussed. Take yourself out off the equation now. The list the the last lady made was a good example to follow. You see if your out of the equation (the true target of his abuse) u will see his real I tension- he might give up. I know lots of women want their kids to have a relationship with their dad but he is abusive. Why does he do that is on pdf not sure if it’s chapter ten that describes how these men tick as parents
. These men see us and our kids as less than them xx it’s horrible but it’s also true xx
2nd July 2020 at 3:45 pm #108534
Uve not I’ve sorry 🙃😘
2nd July 2020 at 6:35 pm #108556
I know it is horrible [email protected] but we’ve got to cotton on to their way of thinking. I would be delighted if he lost interest but on the other hand I’d feel awful for my child knowing his dad isn’t bothered.
Sent the text saying no contact. I’m the bad guy, firstly with having him arrested and now with no contact. Gotta stop worrying about people pleasing though. These people don’t give a hoot about me. And have not acted in my child’s best interest.
Keeping strong with your support 💕
2nd July 2020 at 7:51 pm #108571Wants To HelpParticipant
Well done LB, it’s hard I know, but I really believe you are doing the best thing for now.
A sentence from your last post really struck a chord with me, you wrote:
I would be delighted if he lost interest but on the other hand I’d feel awful for my child knowing his dad isn’t bothered.
This reminded me of the efforts that I went to trying to make up the short fall in my ex’s failings as a father. My ex wasn’t bothered, and I took on the hurt and pain and abandonment that I assumed my son would be feeling and I tried even harder to get my ex to maintain some contact after we’d left and to help facilitate that contact order. My case was quite unique, so I can’t quite go in to details, but I remember a time before Facetime and WhatsApp Videos, my son was only having telephone contact and not much visitation due to distance. I went out and bought a webcam with my son and on the way home from the shop he was all excited about setting it up and having a webchat with his Dad. When it was all set up I said to him “Go on then, ring Daddy and tell him to get on Skype and he can see you.” My son rang his Dad and his Dad’s reply was along the lines of ‘I’m in bed, you’ve just woke me up, go away I’m not interested right now’. I was so upset. My son was upset. He was under the age of 10 at this point. I felt really bad and that this was all my fault, but it wasn’t. It was his Dad failing him, not me.
Your ex now has the time to reflect on his behaviour, think about what has led to this current situation, how to handle it going forward, how can he be a good father and make amends in some way and provide for your son, how can he change his behaviour for the better. I’ll bet he’s not thinking along those lines though. I bet he’s still angry that you’ve gone and ‘got him arrested’ and now because of you he’s having to live with his mum and he can’t see his son! At any point has he held himself responsible or accountable for what is happening right now?
2nd July 2020 at 8:02 pm #108574
One thing I can say is never trust what an abusive person says xx they’re opinion isn’t reliable I fact the least reliable actually!! 😘we’re here don’t worry ! Keep to your mind set it dosent matter what they think xx your doing what is right no one in their right mind could dispute that xx hold your truth hun xx
2nd July 2020 at 8:29 pm #108581
You must’ve met my ex WTH! That’s exactly what he’ll be thinking. Nothing in his life is down to his behaviour. It’s everyone else’s fault. God forbid they don’t charge him…but I’ll have to cross that bridge if/when I come to it.
And your right [email protected] He’s a pathological liar. And he’ll be spewing plenty of lies about me and minimising what he’s done. Just hoping he will be exposed for the abuser he is xx
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