more financial abuse

[lover of no contact]

My abuser (ex husband) wants to get me upset again and arouse my anxiety and worry, maybe provoke me into taking on extra paid work and stress by getting me to take on his financial responsibility and he wants to cause dissension and conflict between myself and my children.

Well thank goodness from being a regular user of this Forum I know what he’s up to, and I’m determined he is not going to take away my peace of mind and I’m going to try and move on as quickly as possible from the ‘flak’ my children are giving me about not taking on his financial responsibility to one of the children.

My abuser’s new primary victim of his day- to -day abuse is my daughter. Unfortunately this happened when I escaped from living with him and I was no longer his primary victim. She has been his secondary abuse victim since birth but he now targets her and she is his main source of ‘power and control’ supply. And he’s enjoying the effect he is having on her because her mind, emotions and life have been a mess and he is getting a high’ from her emotions being all over the place due to his abuse of her. Luckily, she saved and saved (part-time jobs) while at college to escape for a year abroad to study. It took every ounce of energy (despite being abused to the hilt by him) from her to raise this money to support herself financially for the year.

Now her abuser dad (my ex) has said he is unable to pay her college fees due to his debts. He earns a huge salary, and he has always had debts (on paper) which discharges him of his financial responsibilities to everyone (me, his solicitors, his family, mortgage, school fees), he then can spend his huge salary on himself and his needs and wants and desires.

My children are angry I cannot pick up the tab, they feel sorry for him (poor dad can’t afford it). Why can’t mum take on more work and more responsibility? My daughter’s anxiety around finding the money for her college fees is aroused and it’ll be hard enough for this not to effect her trip and the year out there worrying where will she find the money fro college. My children worry about money and downplay their needs as it is due to having a selfish, tightwad abuser dad.

This has always been his pattern. When we met he had debts, I paid them off as I had a full-time job (silly, naïve me). My parents and I paid for our wedding. He and his family did not contribute anything. My parents and I sorted out a house for us to live in. My parents contributed a lot of money for that. The first decade of our marriage I paid off his huge credit card debts by going without, scrimping and saving and working at part-time jobs despite having lots of babies by him, I just felt if the debts were paid off then we could start to manage. But I paid the debts off only to have him run them up again!

Then into our second decade of marriage I put my large sum of money (my inheritance) into developing his business. At that time when I received it I thought overnight about not telling him about it and putting it into a separate account but then I didn’t listen to my gut, felt disloyal and declared the money to him. That decision of mine left me vulnerable financially when he stopped all my financial support when he decided to separate (discard me).

Also if I had kept my inheritance I would be in a position to pay my daughter’s college fees.

I know there is probably not one lady on here who is not being abused financially in one way or another by her abuser, its part of the course of having a relationship with an abuser. I would appreciate any sharing’s with me on financial abuse because I can’t let his decision to financially abuse my daughter and I, take away my peace of mind and upset me. This I can control. He shall not ‘win’ in that way. Any thoughts and sharing’s appreciated ladies.

[KIP.]

My ex stole tens of thousands from behind my back. He’s lied about this all the way and even accused me of stealing his money! My son is an adult now and I have kept out of his finances but my ex is throwing money around (funny that because his lawyer says he has none). It’s in his nature to buy people. He cannot keep money. He will just spend till there is nothing left. That is not my problem now. And his finances are not yours. I would be honest and say you’re not in a position to help financially. Perhaps she could put off college for a couple of years. She sounds like she is a hard worker. We want to give our kids the things they want but sometimes that is just not possible. She may even change her mind after taking a year out. Sounds like your ex is using her to still hurt you. True monsters. Don’t let him. Your daughter will find out for herself. She will see his lifestyle and work it out for herself x

[lover of no contact]

Hi KIP,

I’m not the only one. You too have experienced the loss of huge sums of money, like me. I suppose abuse is a serious of losses, loss of money, loss of self, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-confidence, loss of relationships (with in-laws, children, mutual friends), loss of reputation, loss of homes, loss of mental health, loss of physical health, loss of career etc, etc. And all we gain from them, the abuser is a few crumbs (love bombing initially then crumbs of niceness, which aren’t even real, crumbs just to keep us from leaving, to keep us in the relationship). We lose all that and gain a ‘loser’ (the abuser).

I have to let the loss of money go, you win some, you lose some. My marriage was like a bad business deal, I lost a lot of money by marrying an abuser. But that’s life and it happens to so many. I’m not alone in that.

Yes my abuser knows my ‘weak spot’. I hate if anything is not right in one of my children’s world. I want life to be a fluffy bed for them where they don’t have to experience pain or loss or let-down. My abuser knows this and uses my children as weapons against me still. What hurts them hurts me. When they are upset, I am upset. But I can’t protect my daughter from her father’s financial abuse of her. She’s not the only one. He has abused me financially, a former girlfriend and a list of others. She is just his latest victim.

I will not rush to fix this situation for her. I will wait and look for guidance. Thanks for your supportive reply.

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