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I’ve moved onto this area now as I’m actually in the process of getting away from it all. So (detail removed by moderator) my husband made a veiled threat that if I accepted an offer of letting him have more of the equity in our joint property he would ‘go quiey’. The alternative is he will go after me for half the house I had before we met and maintenance payments because I earn double what he does. This is a short marriage btw. He will also have more than enough to buy a similar property to both the one we own jointly and the one I have just bought with the sale of my house so that is equal.
So after making this threat that wasn’t a threat only, that same night he cuddles up to me in bed. And again the following morning. Yet when I get up to go to work he’s (detail removed by moderator) and barely acknowledges me when I say see you later. Where do they get off with their non stop mind games?!?!
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🙂 at least you’re aware of what he’s doing now. Just don’t listen,its hard, but he ain’t a lawyer so how can he tell you what is the law and what he’s entitled to. i give non- committal replies now, Bugs the hell out of him too.did you write all his behaviour down in your journal? He has no intentions of going quietly, my oh says he’ll not put me out the house, cos my ex did that. Yet always tells me to go if i don’t like how we are. Its just so blo..y exhausting.
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Nothing is going to change until you make it change. He’s happily abusing and Gaslighting and probably hiding money and plotting to take your home while acting like he’s done nothing wrong. Thats continued Gaslighting. Nothing will change while you share a house and a bed. He’s hoping you will just give up and continue to be abused.
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He knows I’ve had a divorce petition drafted but I haven’t issued it yet. I want to be staying somewhere else before I do that which I soon will be. I’m also concerned once he sees my grounds for divorce he will become even more unreasonable and up the games and threats. My solicitor said it’s likely he would be awarded the 60/40 split and tbh I just want to move on with my life and rebuild it without anyone being able to take anything from me. I feel trapped and like I could be stripped of everything I’ve ever worked for in the blink of an eye. I told him I agreed with his split. Now he’s suggesting mediation. Why suggest that, we’ve reached an agreement, or rather I’ve given in to his demands! Isn’t mediation for when you can’t agree? He’s also now saying he didn’t want any of this and that it was me who went to see a solicitor months ago to see what I was entitled to in a divorce. I did no such thing! I went to a solicitor recently yes, purely because he told me he was going to see one to see what he was entitled to. Is he actually mad? Accusing me of doing the things he’s done? All of this is me reacting to his threats of solicitors and being entitled to half. Who in their right mind wouldn’t go and get legal advice and help in those circumstances?
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Gaslighting Gaslighting Gaslighting. You will never be able to work him out or keep up with his mind games. That’s why total zero contact is so important. Conversing with abusers will leave you confused and exhausted. They simply just keep moving the goal posts. He’s enjoying this. Watching your distress. A 60/40 split may not be that bad if you can walk away with your mental health. 60/40 of what was accrued during the marriage I assume. Yes mediation is where you can’t agree but he’s playing games it’s you. That’s how he gets his kicks. He probably thought when he told you he was going to see a solicitor that you could beg and plead with him to save your relationship. Then when you went ahead he didn’t expect that. That’s kind of what happened to me. My ex tried to rub my nose in his affair, thinking I’d come running back. He got a real fright when I went straight to a solicitor. Then he back pedalled but by then I was desperate to end things. That’s when the violence began. When he knew I was serious. So probably best you’re elsewhere when you petition.
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Hi Goinginsane, He is playing the game and will continue, my OH picked a fight with our son, this time my son spoke back, I backed him up then OH thought he would call my bluff by saying he would move out and leave half the house to me, I said on you go. I see a solicitor, advised her the situation hoping he would moveout over the summer, unfortunately (detail removed by moderator) I gave to move out he squirreled money away. After I set the wheels in motion for separation he did not reply to my solicitor for three months then he said we would be going to marriage guidance as there was nothing wrong and we shouldn’t be too hasty in throwing away our marriage, when you see them write stuff like that you just see the “£” signs in their eyes and their little empire crumbling.
I will say the day my solicitor sent the intents of separation letter to him, a weight did lift off my chest. Im still fighting to get out, I do not contact in the same house,I do not make conversation or eye contact and yes, it boils his blood (as does my scented candles)
Don’t let him see that he is getting to you, the mind games will get ridiculous, childish and petty and yes, write, record or video everything and try to keep your own sanity, it’s not easy but some of the things my OH does makes us laugh, it stupidly keeps us going!:-) -
Oh honey, he is so gaslighting you. I could scream for you. He’s projecting onto you what he’s done, that’s all. If you can act as noncommital to anything he proposes, tape it if you can get the time to set it up, but in all honesty that’s not really going to happen. I recorded my oh but it was a pure fluke. Believe in yourself, you can own his a*s.
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@iwantmeback I could scream too! My head is so tired. I’ve got enough on what with organising moving house without all this. He’s now suggesting marriage guidance. I’m not entirely convinced that marriage guidance removes the fact he threatened my financial security by arranging to see a solicitor to see what he was entitled to! Even if counselling did work I’d still spend my days anxious that at some point in the future I’d be left having to start all over again. I can’t live like that, the damage is done. He didn’t even just threaten it, he actually arranged and went to see a solicior to see what he was entitled to and then insisted on a higher split or he’d go for my earnings. How can anyone think there’s any coming back from that?
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There isn’t @Goinginsane. Once the line had been crossed that’s it. He had shown his true colours every step of the way. Once we get our heads around its never going to get better, then its time to go. Until then we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
IWMB 💕💕
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He’s now saying he never said he was going to see a solicitor to see what he was entitled to claim. Cleverly it’s not in text, he said it to me on the phone. He says he went to see a solicitor to see how to get divorced, which completely contradicts what he was saying only yesterday in that I instigated the whole divorce thing! He’s also claiming that it was not a threat when he suggested a 60/40 split to ‘go quietly’. Who would say that if it’s not a threat? He’s claiming it wasn’t his intention. He’s even emailing saying he’s checked the times the various texts were sent! Not once has he considered how I might be feeling – I’m changing jobs, selling my home that I loved, moving over (detail removed by moderator) miles away to an area where I don’t know anyone and wasn’t originally going on my own and now this and not once has he said he’s sorry, he hadn’t intended to make me feel threatened. He’s suggested marriage guidance granted, but he’s also stated at the same time that if money continues to be an issue then we won’t work. The money issue he’s referring to is me complaining that he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket unless it’s to his benefit!
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Gaslighting again. He can’t help himself. I bet if you look back on your relationship you will find lots if it went on. You just didn’t recognise it at the time. You need to work out exactly what you want and stick to your plan. He will simply change the goal posts. He’s feeling around, fishing for your weaknesses. Testing your vulnerability. Making statements and reading your response. My ex was great at it. Firing outrageous questions sitting back to read my body language. Thinking he could catch me out. Took me a long time to work that out.
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GoingInsane, there’s an aweful lot in your posts about what he wants ,because he’s bombarding you ,that’s part of the abuse and it’s so time and energy consuming but I would say , it’s not just about what he wantswhat’s so much more important here is for you to shut this out for a while as much as you can and think about your needs, what you want, your free from abuse life and then to use your strength for moving forward safely with that not getting caught up, going round in the endless circles of his nasty GameStop x*x
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I must admit, when I see the lengthy emails/texts listing out who said what when I just feel exhausted. I am starting to lose the conviction that he’s been threatening my financial security. He hasn’t even once tried to have a sensible conversation with me about things.Or rather, I’m starting to lose the sense that I’ve responded to being threatened by going to see a solicitor and wondering if I’ve blown things out of proportion. then I realise that the day he said to me he was going to see a solicitor, I wasn’t sure if it was an empty threat or not, so I asked him when he was going. sure enough the day he saw the solicitor was the day he’d told me. I had no contact with a solicitor until that conversation. I just want a peaceful life now tbh. to stop being told I’m twisting things or making things up when I’m not. I’ve reached the point where I actually don’t want contact with anyone at all, I just want to be alone. and yes @KIP, if I look back it has been there all along. I can’t remember specifics but I do remember not long after we first met and he denied something I knew had been said, I looked at him and commented I hadn’t realised he was a liar. There was even one occasion where he was smirking as he was locking the door as we went out. I asked him what he was smirking at to be told he wasn’t smirking. He categorically denied he’d been smirking, told me I’d imagined it. I couldn’t quite believe it and accused him of gaslighting me. He was furious and told me if that was what I thought of him then we had no future.
Thing I struggle with now, and I know it’s not a healthy way to think, the first couple of years of marriage, particularly the first year, his behaviour was just awful and so disrespectful. after I left him last year his behaviour had actually improved a lot and things had been far better than they had been. That leaves me doubting I’m doing the right thing.
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Hi Goinginsane, it’s not the here and now we’re actually dealing with I’m beginning to think. Once we realise what they are, it opens up the flood gates to everything they’ve said and done to us over the years. Renember you are in charge of what you want to happen. Maybe you’re in infirnation overload. Maybe take a few days away from the forum, but still write down if anything happens. Witjout our advice you may see things clearer or you may feel you need us to clarify what’s been happening.
I think the forums great for affirming we’re not crazy(I’ve just had a psychologist tell me I’m categorically not crazy/delusional, but he’s making me feel that way)that these men, any one of them could step into another’s shoes and yes we’d know they weren’t our partners but their actions would be as if they were. I hope I’m making sense. Take care love, you’re doing so well you really are🤗Iwmb💕💕
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Thank you IWMB. it’s not the forum that’s confusing me tbh. My head knows the marriage has never been great. I kept a journal of all the events over the first year, that’s how great it was, some honeymoon period! In fact our honeymoon I was so miserable I text my brother I just wanted to come home! The first year I kept a journal of when he told me to ‘shut the f&ck up’ and was apparently justified in doing so when I pulled him up on it, because I’d repeated myself several times. Same as I now realise that every social event we’ve ever been to where there was an argument or the silent treatment, it was a pattern. anything I might be excited or happy about he has to bring me down. we don’t even live like a married couple, we don’t even eat the same meal! we only eat at the same time because I insisted on it. I also know I went to see a solicitor because he’d threatened my financial stability and there was no way I could sit and wait to see whether it was a threat or he was serious. I also know I can’t have a future with him where it will always be in the back of my mind that I could lose everything I’m working for. I want to change careers and set up a home based business in a few years. when I came up with my plan I was so excited, I’d sat up into the early hours working out my ‘business case’ and how I could go from loads of debt to being able to give up my day job and escape the rat race. He instantly put it down. told me the figures didn’t stack up (they do!) told me it was a hair brain idea. it also turns out he seems to think we’d need 6 times the level of spending money I currently have a month, but that’s another story! but the part I can’t get out of my head at all is that after spending several hours discussing my plans with him and him telling me it wouldn’t work, he suddenly out of the blue was all over me and wanted s*x. I’m pretty certain that was triggered by me saying towards the end of the conversation that I’d be able to generate enough money for both of us to escape the rat race. It just sticks in my head that that’s when he suddenly changed towards me.
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