My biggest mistake

[surviveishall]

Hi

I am new to the forum – and my story is actually quite hard to tell. When my eldest daughter was (detail removed by moderator) she told me she had been abused on two occasions by her own father. My gut reaction was of course to call the police – but she literally begged me not to and said she still wanted her Dad at home. Stupidly I let her make the choice and he remained in the family home – but things were never quite the same again.

(detail removed by moderator) my girl finally found her voice and spoke up about the abuse at school to the counsellor – leading to them immediately contacting social services and he was arrested. My girls arriving home with social services and the police was the first I knew that this had finally come out.

Since then my head has been full of black clouds, I need to support my girl – but I have also come to realise that in (detail removed by moderator) years of marriage – I have been controlled so so much – and I do not know why I did not see this at the time. I was made fun of, and then told I clearly just could not take a joke, he had things that were “his” and heaven forbid we used things without asking him first. I felt as though I continually walked on eggshells. He was the big earner – but I never got to know what he got paid or what was in his bank account (including a substantial inheritance from when his Dad passed away). I had to often ask for money to do the shopping to feed the family as I earn very little. He knew I needed a new car – but instead of us sorting something practical out – he spend a fortune on a new flashy(detail removed by moderator) – and I got his cast of car – which now needs so much work on it. He would spend hours looking at porn – despite knowing how I felt about it – but again that was down to me as I clearly wasn’t good enough.

I just don’t know which way to turn – he is not allowed to contact us or come near us due to bail conditions which is good. I feel so so bad for ever giving my daughter the choice – I did confront him and he promised it would never happen again (my daughter assures me it didn’t) – but again I think he played on the nice secure family line knowing how badly my own parents separating had affected me as a child.

I would love to just hear from anyone who can tell me that there is light at the end of this – I know it is going to be a long road – but I need someone to talk to.

[Lisa]

Hi surviveishall,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting here. I’m very sorry to read what you and your child have been through. I’m sure other forum users will be able to share their experience of living through domestic abuse, and encourage you that life can become lighter with time. I just want to say that you have done nothing wrong, you have not made a mistake. You did not cause this. This has been caused by her father’s actions and it is his fault solely.

It is testament to your parenting that your daughter felt able to talk to you and, when she was ready, to the counsellor. I hope that you have some local support in place, if not you can find the details for your local domestic abuse service here. Please be aware you can call the 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 at any time to talk to an experienced female support worker in confidence; it may really help you to talk to someone who understands the complexities of domestic abuse.

Keep posting when you can,

Lisa

[surviveishall]

My daughter does have support in place, and I am waiting for a counselling appointment to come through. We are taking one day at a time. Social services are involved because of my younger daughter – but thankfully all the signs are that she has not been harmed. It’s just so hard realising what my life had become, all the lies that are now apparent and the manipulation and control. He could make a nasty comment to me and if I got upset I would simply be told “oh why can’t you take a joke” – but the other way and all hell would break loose.

We are taking one day at a time right now – bail conditions are likely to be extended again at the end of the current period which is good for us as it gives us added protection. Social services are being very supportive, but I need to do a parenting assessment which is justifiable given I did not report the abuse at the time.

My main focus right now is my child who has an important school year coming up – and I do not want this to impact on her and her future long term.

[Author]

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